Nothing Can Harm You
by Neocolai
Summary: Kili was little more than a child when he was captured during a Goblin raid, and Fili believes that his brother is dead. In the darkness of the Goblin Caverns a glimmer of hope is born, and one who was thought to be lost is returned. No slash.
1. The Lost One

**NOT a Deathfic! (At least so far. Knowing the Original Muse, I am taking no chances.)**

**Inspired by Tolkein's quote from Over Hill and Under Hill: "(The Goblins) get other people to make (tools and implements of torture) to their design, prisoners and slaves that have to work till they die for want of air and light."**

* * *

**I do not own The Hobbit or anything related to Tolkein's works. **

* * *

Searing white light blinded Fili momentarily and he raised his arm to shield his eyes against the garish blast. Thorin shoved him to the ground as though to conceal him from further harm as the towering figure raising his beaming rod high above his head.

"Take up your weapons and fight!"

Gandalf's thunderous voice resonated in the mines, goading the dazed and listless to scramble for their arms and press forward as one against the Goblin hoards. D_i_s slid to her knees to avoid being trampled, scooping up her battleaxe and tossing one of Fili's swords back to her son. Her eyes were livid with an inborn fire as she swung around and severed the head off a Goblin sneaking behind Fili, a thrill of satisfaction bringing a twitch of a smile to her face as the mutilated corpse slipped over the cliff's edge.

They would not take another son from her this night.

Twin swords flashed in the light of torches, black Goblin's blood tarnishing the steel blades as Fili twirled and parried, his own plight forgotten as the lust for vengeance rose within him in renewed furor. He had a debt to repay this night, and neither wounds nor fatigue would sway his cause.

As one Fili and D_i_s fought back to back, the penalty of death a petty nuisance in light of their purpose. The fought neither for blood nor for their own lives, but for those whom they guarded and the one whom they had failed to protect.

Thorin led them forward with a war cry that echoed for miles in the bottomless mines, his blue eyes blazing with icy fire as Goblins melted before his wrath. Strengthened by his Uncle's courage Fili renewed his efforts, blocking a notched sword that would have sliced the back of D_i_s' neck and plunging his other blade deep into the stomach of another Goblin. Instinctively he ducked as D_i_s' axe whirled over his head, a decapitated runt of a Goblin crumpling at their feet. There was no pity in Fili's heart for the wretched creature. The only emotions he held for their kind was the hatred he nursed for the murder of his brother.

Ori's sling caught a Goblin square between the eyes and Nori's slit the throat of another as it bore down on his sibling. A pang of longing and anger struck deeply against Fili's wishes as he watched the elder protect the younger, and with a shuddering effort he forced himself to concentrate on the task at hand. Images of Kili's terrified, pleading eyes flitted through his mind against his will, however, and the shame of failure encompassed him as memories long buried rose to consume him once more.

_Forgive me, brother._

It was a plea for retribution that resounded from the depths of a broken soul. A cry for solice when hope is cast to the four winds like a handful of ashes. He had condemned his own brother to death, and Fili knew he deserved nothing less than judgement. He welcomed the pangs of loss and sorrow that rent his very being until he no longer recognized who he was. They were justice compared to the atrocity he had been too late to prevent.

_I vowed to protect you, and I failed._

He could still see the terror in his brother's stricken gaze, hear Kili's screams as he was torn from the safety of his family and his home. He could feel the Goblin's spear stabbing through the back of his knee, his throat raw with screams before Thorin thrust him into Dwalin's arms and ordered the warrior to run. He could still remember the panic he felt as he struggled to escape, shouting his brother's name until his voice was hoarse and he had no more strength left to fight.

He could still feel the crippling anguish that had plunged him into a black pit of despair for years after Thorin returned empty handed.

Fili had killed his little brother, and nothing in the world could ever bring Kili back.

* * *

_"Fiwi?" _

_No answer forth came, only mumbled gibberish before Fili turned over and began to snore. Dark eyes pouted and Kili jabbed his brother harder in the arm. "Fiwi!"_

_Fili grumbled as the warm curtain of sleep was ripped from his grasp. In the lingering effects of his dream he recalled a giant spider creeping out from under the bed and poking him in the arm, testing whether he was a succulent morsel worth its time and poison. With a yelp he smacked away the monster, bolting upright in time to watch Kili tumble to the floor._

_"Owwww!" Kili whined, rubbing the back of his hand against his forehead and glaring reproachfully at Fili. "You hit me!"_

_Now fully awake, Fili stumbled out of bed and helped his little brother to his feet, scanning him quickly for injuries before questioning, "What's wrong, Kili?"_

_Nightmares, imaginary "globlins", shadow monsters, lightning storms and the very thought of being "alone" often had Kili pattering to his big brother as soon as the darkness set in. Fili was accustomed to the nightly interruptions, though he would not be held accountable for the occasional whacks to the head Kili earned for disrupting his wild dreams. Just as always the child recovered swiftly, however, and without a word Kili leap-frogged onto the bed and snuggled under Fili's covers, burrowing in and twisting around like a puppy until only his eyes and nose could be seen peeking out of the blanket cave._

_"I hadda bad dweam," Kili whispered, using the "very, very scared-ded" hush he reserved only for his worst night terrors._

_Fili sighed quietly and clambered back into bed, tugging a corner of the blanket free from his caterpillar of a brother and shuffling around until he was more comfortable. From the sound of things, it was going to be a long while before he had a chance to go back to sleep._

_"What did you dream, Kili?"_

_Kili wriggled closer, tiny hands darting out from the impossibly knit cocoon and wrapping around Fili's arm. "I dweamed there was a dwagon, an' it ate Mewy." Tears filled coal bright eyes at the thought of losing his favorite kitten. "An' then it wanted ta eat me, an' I was scared, but you weren't there."_

_He hunkered into his blanket cave and blinked back rivers of saltwater, looking up at Fili with a pitifully heartbroken expression. "What if it comes ta eat me an' you're not here, Fiwi?"_

_Fili smiled and reached into the blanket fortress to ruffle his brother's hair. "I won't let the dragon eat you," he played along. "I'll be right here when you need me."_

_"Pwomise?" Kili pleaded, his gaze uncannily penetrating and fervent._

_"Promise," Fili assured, holding back a grin. As though the Dragon Smaug would ever come and attack the Blue Mountains. _

_"An' the globblers? An' the evil trolls? An' Mummy's spoon?"_

_"Even Mum's - what?"_

_Kili ducked down in horror as he realized he had been caught. Furtively he glanced around and then cupped a hand around his mouth to whisper loudly, "I ate her cookies an' I wasn't s'posed to." Instantly he clapped his hands over his mouth and was silent, a flush of shame betraying the 'completely innocent!' plea in his eyes._

_Fili took a deep breath and released it slowly, contemplating the matter and formulating a plan. Perhaps he could say __**he**__ ate the stolen sweets, and then at the worst Mum would dole out a few extra scribes with Mister Balin or ban him from practice for a couple days. Then again, Kili could never endure a guilty secret, and he would blurt out his sins the moment his little heart could take no more of his brother enduring his punishment for him. He really was a terrible liar. Mum was getting better at guessing which criminal was responsible just by peeking at her youngest son's face._

_"I'll make sure Mum doesn't smack your hand with a spoon for stealing," Fili agreed with a roll of his eyes. His efforts would hardly be neccessary; Kili managed to weasel his way out of his punishment nine times out of ten just by looking up at D_i_s and Thorin with that mournful, puppy eyed expression._

_"An' you'll keep Mewy safe, too," Kili determined with a satisfied nod._

_"Yes, Mewy will be safe from the dragon," Fili agreed languidly, watching the shadows flit on the walls and counting down the minutes before his brother fell asleep._

_Kili snuggled closer and curled up at Fili's side, yawning cavernously and smacking his mouth. "Fiwi?" he murmured, pulling his brother's side of the blanket a little tighter around him, "Will you be here if the dwagon comes back?"_

_"I'll be right here beside you," Fili assured with a nod._

_"An' you'll keep it back until Unca Thorin kills it?"_

_"If I have to fight it off with Mum's wooden spoon," Fili agreed. _

_Kili sighed in quiet content and closed his eyes. He cuddled closer to his brother, sticking his thumb in his mouth despite his Mother's hopeless attempts to have him break the habit. Fili grinned and shook his head, vowing not to speak a word. _

_"I'll always be here to protect you, Kili," he whispered, wrapping an arm around his brother and pulling him close. "I won't let anything ever harm you. No matter what happens, you'll be safe as long as I'm around."_

* * *

He had never spoken a crueler lie to his brother.

Tears filled Fili's vision as he remembered Kili's infallible trust, his unshakable belief that his older brother would never lie to him and he would never come to harm if Fili was near. How desperately Fili wished he could have taken back that day in the sunlit grove, when joy crumbled into despair and the light was plunged into a night without end. He would have given everything in the world to have that one day with his brother again.

With a ragged howl of anguish Fili quenched his sorrow, channeling the guilt and heartache into an endless throe of rage. He thrust his blades into the back of another Goblin, ducking below a second one's hatchet and driving his sword into the neck of a third. The only face he saw was that of Kili's, the only voice that of his brother's screams.

Crimson hazed his vision and the Goblins became a blur of foes, the lust for blood overwhelming Fili's thoughts until neither foe nor friend could be discerned. Gloin cursed when Fili's swords almost nicked a vein in his neck, shouting for the boy to watch what he was doing even as he staved off his own onslaught. Bofur's hand might have been swiped off by a careless strike on Fili's part had not Dori shoved him out of the way. Fili was blind to his actions in the commotion, caught up in the throes of battle and the insatiable _need _to repay in Goblin's blood the debt he owed to his brother. He had sworn that Kili would be avenged for the tragedy that stole his young, innocent life, and Fili always kept his word.

He had broken but one promise in his life. He would not fail Kili again.

D_is_' sharp bark of warning shattered Fili's thoughts and he glanced up in time to catch a Goblin's scimitar glittering on the edge of his vision. Whirling to block the killing stroke, Fili did not recognize until too late that he was bordering the edge of the walkway. The Goblin leered in triumph and shoved against Fili's cross swords, catching the Dwarf off balance and driving him a step backwards to teeter on the edge. Panic overwhelmed Fili and he threw out his arms to prevent his fall, instinctively grasping for the first handhold within reach. His fingers closed on the Goblin's wrist, eliciting a yowl of surprise just before Fili lost his footing entirely.

D_i_s scream echoed above the Goblins' screeches, her battleaxe twirling in the flickering light of torches as she battled to reach the crevice where her son had disappeared. Remorse flooded Fili anew as he realized he was depriving her of her only remaining child. He longed to give her a last farewell, a smile, anything to comfort her in his parting. Endless darkness swallowed him alive, however, the glint of fire and freedom winking from sight before the ground rushed sickeningly to meet him and a different kind of blackness filled his vision.

* * *

"G-get up..."

That same spider was prodding him in the shoulder again, and Fili wanted nothing more than to squish it under his boot and banish it from his nightmares for the pitiful remainder of its creepy-crawly life. Pain spiked in his temples and he let out a low groan, slapping away the persistent creature as it shoved him in the shoulder once more.

A sharp gasp was drawn from his assailant and there was a clamor of stones and metal as something scrambled away. Harsh, rapid breathing sounded in the darkness and warily Fili opened his eyes. Blackness surrounded him and Fili blinked hard, passing a hand over his eyelids to ensure he was truly awake. Slowly the realization filtered in that the blackness surrounding him was no dream, and panic set in as Fili wondered if he had been struck blind.

"W-who ... You're not ..." The tremulous voice was cut short and Fili whirled upright, clapping his hands to his head as the the world spun momentarily.

Who was it that slunk in the darkness close by? It was not the voice of a Goblin so far as Fili could tell, nor did it belong to any of the company. The thought of Goblins struck him with icy chill and he drew a knife from his boot, searching the blackness for the creature he had dragged down with him.

The faintest glimmer of light shone off Fili's blade and the unknown voice shifted with a whimper, shale clattering across the rugged path as it drew further back. Whatever it was, it appeared to hold the same fear that goaded Fili to action, and with a frown of uncertainty Fili lowered the knife to his side.

"Who are you?" he asked in a low voice.

A hiss was given in response. "Y-you're not one of - of them."

As his eyes adjusted to the dim light Fili could barely make out the crouched shadow of the one who was speaking. Ratted, tangled hair curtained its - _his _- face, judging by the voice, bony limbs jutting out from a small frame as he shrunk deeper into the shadows. Several feet away the crumpled corpse of a Goblin stared wide-eyed at the ceiling, limbs askew in the throes of a violent and sudden death.

Vaguely Fili recalled the manner of his fall and wondered that he had not met a similar fate. He had the impression his collision had been broken somehow, first by the smaller crags he remembered striking on his way down, and then cushioned by something other than unforgiving stone. The brush with death brought a flash of humor against all reason, and with a snort of mortified amusement Fili inquired,

"I suppose I fell on you during my little 'unanticipated adventure?'"

The shadow cringed and retorted with a light growl. He was clearly favoring his left shoulder, and a flash of guilt caused Fili to bite his tongue against any further comments.

"Are you hurt?" he questioned, concern overriding self-preservation as he took a step towards the shadow.

The clink of iron was a sound Fili knew well from the forges, and he could not mistake the heavy drag of manacles as the shadow flitted away. A cold wave of revelation slammed into him as he recognized the implications. A slave of the mines, then, trapped in the darkness to carve away stone and precious metals until his hands broke under the chisel and he wasted away for the brokenness of his spirit. Grim tales of the Goblin mines still caused Fili to shudder in horror, for few ever escaped the pitch darkness and those who did were never the same.

"D-don't ... don't come any closer!"

Frantic bursts testified of the shadow's terror and with a start Fili backed away a few steps. He raised his hands to imply he meant no ill intent, however, in his haste he neglected to think about the knife still brandished in his grasp. The subsequent reaction haunted him for months afterwards.

"No - no wait - please!" Haunted eyes were captured by the glittering blade poised in the air as though to strike, and with a yelp the shadow stumbled back and pressed against the wall, thin arms flung over his head to ward off a blow. "I'm sorry!" he garbled, his words tumbling in a flood of panic as he curled up tighter to make himself appear less of a target. "I won't - I won't do it again! - I-I'll get back to work! - I won't slack off anymore! - I - I d-didn't kill him, either, I swear! I wasn't trying to escape! - I - I'm sorry! I - I won't do it again! - Please! - I'm sorry! - Just don't - "

His pleas broke off in sobs of terror and he shuddered in apprehension of whatever punishment awaited him. The blood drained from Fili's face as he watched the pitiful display. Never before had he envisioned himself as such a monster.

The knife slipped from his slack fingers and clanged off the rugged stone floor. The crumpled form quivered at the sound and let out a soft keen, shuddering in agonized horror as the suspense dragged on. Compassion warred with reason in Fili's heart, and he wondered if it would be a merciful act on his part just to put the slave out of his misery. He was small enough that he could not be more than a boy in Man's years, far too young to be suffering such a cruel and inescapable fate.

An image of Kili, so vibrant and carefree before the Goblins took him away, brought a lump to Fili's throat and he realized he could not seal the boy's death sentence even for the sake of mercy. No slave deserved to be cut down in cold bloodshed in a tomb he had hewn with his own hands, never to see the stars or the sun emblazoning the mountains in a wreath of flame or to feel the wind calling his name.

_Kili loved those things,_ Fili remembered with a pang. It was then and there that his mind was made up. He was too late for his brother, but perhaps this one slave could be granted the chance to live. Fili had no idea if he could even find his way out of the darkness, but if he escaped it would not be on his own. No one deserved to die alone in these wretched caverns.

Cautiously Fili approaching the cowering slave, wincing at the soft scuffing his boots made on the floor. The shadow flinched at the sound but did not run. Fili knew not whether it was because he was incapable of flight or because he knew it would be futile. He forced the thought from his mind and banished the anger that accompanied it, kneeling in the dusty grime of the tunnel to meet the slave's eye level.

"I am not here to hurt you," Fili promised in a muted undertone, speaking carefully so as not to frighten the boy further. "I am not one of the Goblins, or in any way allied with them. My family... they are out there looking for me right now." Or so he hoped, for if they had given up on the search it would only mean they had been captured or killed.

"I need to find them," Fili implored gently. "I am trying to escape this place ... the same as you." He added the last part tentatively, waiting for the shadow's response.

The boy had cautiously raised his head while Fili spoke, but at the word "escape" a shudder jolted through him and he shook his head frantically. "No - Not escape - Can't escape - They'll brand me again!" He pressed his hand against his left cheek, scrambling away like a skittish animal that has been caged and tormented until it grew wild from fear and pain.

"They said they would take an eye next time!" he pleaded, the frenzied pitch in his tone begging for Fili to leave him be and cease to tempt him with half-forgotten dreams that would only render him further agony.

The implications smote Fili with a wave of revulsion and he could not speak for a long moment. This slave had tried to escape on his own, perhaps more than once if such drastic measures had been taken. Goblins were hideously cruel, however, and even if he had made the attempt but once they might have determined to quench the spirit of rebellion before it had a chance to take full flight.

Again his little brother flitted to his mind and Fili could not batten down the image. In the darkness it could be Kili begging for his life in the suffocating darkness of the Goblin mines. It could be Kili cowering at the slightest sounds, dreading the opportunity to flee his prison for fear of worse punishments that could follow.

Kili was dead, but in this moment an overwhelming protectiveness rose up in Fili for this one that his mind coupled with the face of his kid brother. He would not leave him to suffer further torment at the hands of the Goblins. Fili had been unable to rescue his brother before, but he would not fail to do so now. Whether by cajoling or by force, he would not leave the caverns without him.

"They will not capture us if we escape together," Fili encouraged. He glanced behind him, striving to make out the pale sheen of his swords dropped during his fall. "I have weapons." The knife, at least. "They will be distracted by the others right now; they will not notice us."

"No," the shadow whispered, trembling as shrank away. "They'll find us. We won't get far. I don't ... I don't _want_ to go!"

"You said you tried to escape before," Fili pointed out. "You must know your way around the tunnels. I _don't _know where I am going. I need you to show me the way out."

"They'll bring me back!" the shadow sobbed in despair. "They'll bring me back again and they'll do it again - worse this time! They never forget their threats!"

"I won't let them harm you," Fili assured with grim fervency. "You'll be safe as long as I am here."

The shadow stiffened with a sharp breath and Fili's mouth went dry as he realized he had spoken almost the exact same words to Kili decades before. A cold shiver coursed through him and he sat down hard, an invisible hand clenching around his heart so tightly that for a moment he could not breathe.

For an instant Fili had been so caught up in the illusion that he half believed it was _Kili_ he was speaking to, that it was _Kili _he would guide out of the darkness and back into the arms of the family who had lost him so long ago. For a minute it was _Kili _he comforted in the pitch black of the tunnels, offering the same terrible lie that he would protect him when it was true they might never leave this horrific place alive. The thought brought a dry sob to Fili's lips and he pressed the back of his hand against his mouth to choke back a cry of longing.

Then the moment was past and it was the unnamed shadow he spoke to once more. For an instant the slave seemed to draw closer, the slightest glimmer of hope reflected in the straightening of his bony shoulders and the lifting of his head. A second later he drew back into himself once more, wrapping thin arms around his knees and tucking his head into the pillow of imagined security.

"_No_," he determined in a tremulous gasp. "_No_."

His heart sank as Fili was made painfully aware once more that this was not his brother he was trying to assist. Kili was _dead_. It was only a wound to his memory to imagine him being cooped up in these garish tombs until he wasted away just like this slave. Even so Fili _could not_ let go of his resolve. He could not abandon the boy to his torment until death mercifully stole him away.

"If you stay here," Fili explained hesitantly at first, and then with grimmer firmness, "You think they will not notice the body?" He glanced back in the direction of the Goblin's corpse, the shadow instinctively following his gaze. "I will try and make my way out, whether you come or not. You will be the only one left in the tunnels. Who will they blame for their comrade's death?"

It was a low, brutal tactic and Fili felt like a bully for resorting to such measures. He could not afford to take any chances, however. There was always the option of knocking the slave out and carrying him through the maze, but Fili had no idea where to go and the extra weight would slow him down. If he could gain the shadow's cooperation they both stood a better chance of breaking for freedom.

The knowledge of what must be done did not make his task any easier, however.

The shadow began to breathe faster, horror racing through him in convulsive shudders as he tried to defend himself. "But I didn't kill him! He - h-he fell! I nev-never t-touched him! I-I didn't do it!" He let out a high pitched keen, raking his hands through his hair and bending his forehead down to his knees. "_It wasn't my fault!" _he pleaded.

"They will not listen if they find you," Fili responded, forcing himself to appear calm and in control. He loathed himself for what he was doing to the boy, but he could not stop now. "It could be more than an eye this time. They could take both eyes, or even a hand - whatever they feel you can afford to lose."

Harsh, racking sobs coursed through the skeletal frame and the shadow rocked back in forth, terror as Fili had never witnessed or experienced driving the slave to his knees. He could stand the piteous display no longer. Gently Fili laid a hand on the boy's shoulder, almost driving him into a panic attack at the unexpected contact.

"It will be all right," Fili reassured softly, imploring the slave to trust him. "Come with me. I will not let them find you. Show me the way out, and they will never harm you again."

"Y-you're lying," the shadow stuttered desolately. "Just like - like the other one... Baldor. Y-you'll t-t-turn me in a-and run when you have the ch-chance."

"I could have run long ago." Foolishness without a guide, but had Fili not run into the slave he would have had no other choice. "Or I could have taken my knife and forced you to show me the way out."

The muffled cries stilled and Fili knew the shadow was listening. "I _won't_ leave without you," he vowed. "I will not let them hurt you any longer; not while I am still alive."

The boy's shoulders slumped in defeat and he reluctantly nodded. Fili closed his eyes momentarily in relief and rose slowly to his feet, taking care not to move sparatically and lose the slave's confidence. He swept his feet around the floor of the cavern, grimacing as he kicked the Goblin's stiffened corpse. Whether or not it may have been true, his threat regarding the body had been a cruel trick to pull on the boy and Fili despised himself for stooping to _their_ level to get what he wanted.

His boot scraped over the steel and Fili bent to retrieve his swords, relieved to find both relatively close to one another. He thought he could make out a notch in one blade and chided himself for his carelessness. _Your weapons are your life_, Thorin would tell him over and over in the forges. A flawed blade could determine whether or not the wielder survived; there was no room for error.

Nothing could be done to resolve the issue now, however, and with a sigh of resignation Fili sheathed his swords and returned to the shadow's side. The slave had risen to his feet and Fili was struck once more with how young he must be. Slumped with exhaustion and dread, he appeared smaller than he really was, but even had he stood ramrod straight he would barely have reached over Fili's head. How long had he been trapped in this endless nightmare, with no hope of ever seeing his family again?

Once more Kili was brought to Fili's mind and he forced himself to concentrate on _anything_ save his brother. He could mourn for Kili at a later time, but at this moment he could no longer allow himself to be distracted with the dark memories of the past.

Gesturing to the open passage with a wave of his hand and pretending he did not witness the boy's flinch, Fili stepped back and allowed the shadow to guide the way.

* * *

**Mini-muse points to Original Muse and holds up a sign stating 'I is not with It!' **

**'Sigh.' Those two have been bickering since the second to last chapter of A Prince's Disgrace. As some of my readers may have already guessed, food alone will satiate the rabid monsters and inspire them to type more frantically for this story. So, without further ado,**

**Feed the Muses! **

**(Or else they will collaborate against a certain author and her attempts to preserve the remaining lineage of Durin. Shame on them!) **

**A Little Side-Note: ****Yes! D_i__s _is officially a member of the company! Kili is gone, after all, and since they needed a 13th Dwarf for the count (or else not invite Bilbo along) I slipped her in to avoid the painful progress of scrounging up a random Dwarf or inventing a passable OC. (Which I hate adding to my stories. Other people can pull it off well enough, but me? Eh, I tend to hate my characters eventually. Unless they're intentionally aggravating to the readers, the other characters and myself. That part can be kind of fun, actually...) :/**


	2. Grief

"Oin, Gloin, Bifur..." Gandalf paused in his count and drew back to avoid a collision as the latter ran past, "... Bofur, Bombur, Ori, Nori, Dori, Balin, Dwalin, D_i_s..."

Gandalf frowned sharply and scanned the line, dread filling him as his suspicions were confirmed. Two were missing.

"Where is Fili?" he questioned Oin in alarm. "Did you see him come out?"

Near the front of the company Thorin reeled to a halt, scanning the group for his nephew's shock of blond hair. No trace of Fili was to be seen and he pushed his past the front of the line, anxiously searching the faces as he fervently prayed his worst fears had not come to pass. The moment Thorin set eyes upon his sister his heart sank, for he knew he needed no further answers.

D_i_s shoved past Gandalf and stormed up to her brother, her eyes lit with grief that she could scarcely contain. Before Thorin could speak D_i_s' gauntlet struck his face, his sister's anguish driving her to lay the blame on the only one she could imagine responsible for her loss.

"You promised me you would look after him!" D_i_s shouted, fully aware of the company's stares but no longer finding reason to care. "You swore to me that you would bring him back alive!"

Thorin's face went white and his lungs stubbornly refused to draw in air. "I thought he was with you," he stated in horror, the implications of his nephew's fate sinking in like a great weight crushing his soul.

D_i_s released a cry and lashed out once more, Thorin's hand catching her wrist before the blow could make contact.

"You gave me your word he would return!" she screamed, furious tears sparkling in her gaze. "I never wanted him to accompany you on this madness! I told you not to lure him away with lies of honor and glory. Was Kili not enough, that you had to take Fili from me as well?"

The lancing words were aimed with cruel accuracy and Thorin faltered as an old scar was rent anew. Self-condemnation morphed into bitterness and he retaliated coldly, "You would hold me responsible for what the enemy did? For the deaths of Nahon and Olan and all who were slaughtered defending our people? Am I one of the Goblins now, that you demand repayment for what happened to Kili?"

It was an unfair accusation brought about in the furor of her emotions, but D_i_s could not take back her words no matter how undeserved they were. "You could have left me Fili!" she spat, wrenching away from her brother's grasp and stepping away as the urge to strike _something_ rose up in her once more. "You could have spared my eldest! He was all that remained to me, Thorin! He was my only child!"

"He _asked_ to accompany us!" Thorin retorted, spreading his hands out helplessly in his frustration. "He knew what he was getting into, the same as everyone who signed the contract."

His voice faltered slightly and Thorin knew that if this argument continued it would not be long before he or D_i_s broke completely. Their grief was too fresh, too close for this blame-game to continue. D_i_s had lost her son, but in this moment all she saw in Thorin was the loss of his prized heir. Had she distracted herself from her sorrow long enough to notice the sheen in his far-off gaze she would have instantly silenced her claims.

On the other hand, if D_i_s had seen her own agony reflected in the eyes of another she might have crumpled instantly, with Thorin not far behind. Neither could afford to lose themselves to mourning at this moment; not with the pressing threat of the Goblins seeking vengeance for their slain king.

Dwalin sensed the need for interference and pulled D_i_s away, enduring her kicks and struggles before she released a wail of loss and slumped against him. No tears were shed, no further cries uttered. In spite of D_i_s' pain the sense of duty driven into her during the days of Erabor consumed her, the knowledge of their plight rising above her turmoil and staving her grief. She remained motionless for a short while longer, drawing on the strength of another until she could continue on; a wraith fighting for a war that was not her own; a shadow constantly looking back for that which had been hers until this moment.

Only now did Thorin wish he had heeded his sister's foresight while he had the chance.

* * *

_"You are __**not**__ dragging him along on this suicidal quest of yours, Thorin."_

_"He is no longer a boy, D_i_s. He is an Prince of Durin and one day he will be heir to the throne. You cannot hold him back from his future."_

_D_i_s barked a laugh, her words lethal as a viper's poison as she retorted, "He will do the throne no good if he is dies during your half-brained scheme. What in Durin's name has possessed you, Thorin? Twelve Dwarrow, few of which have seen battle; you expect __**these **__to cross the wilderness __**and**__ face down a dragon? You're mad, brother!"_

_"If I sought advice I would have consulted Balin," Thorin fired back, his voice rising at his sister's claims. "I beseeched our people to gather their courage and fight for what was rightfully theirs, and only these have responded. If I had but half their number it would be enough. I asked for their loyalty and their willingness to follow no matter what fate transpires. Only these eleven responded when I called for their help; I would ask for no greater warriors."_

_"Warriors? Or phantoms of the dead?" D_i_s spun away in frustration, slapping a rag onto the table and scrubbing at a stain that had resided in the oak for years. "He is __**not**__ accompanying you."_

_"You cannot decide that for him." _

_His sister reasoned by the life she __**wanted**__ her son to have, but Thorin knew that Fili's path would lead him in a direction none dared to trek. The birth of a king was preceded by a road filled with trials, the rising of a leader twice the hardship. Fili would have to carve his own way if he wanted his people to follow him, and he could not forge a name for himself hiding away in the Mountains like a commoner._

_"I will __**not**__ lose another son!" D_i_s snapped, her eyes flashing with vehement determination as she whirled to face Thorin. "Fili is all that I have left; you will not take him from me, as well!"_

_For an instant Thorin froze, the memory of Kili a jagged knife lodged deeply in the wound carved by Frerin, Thrain and Thror's deaths. He could not answer his sister, words abandoning him as his heart told him that she was right. To tear D_i_s' remaining son from her was to demand she surrender her life and soul for a quest which in her mind could never succeed. In Thorins' eyes Erabor was as surely within his grasp as the axe sheathed at his belt, but he knew D_i_s could not share his confidence of a hope yet unseen. _

_He could not convince her that he would guard Fili with his life; that he would not allow himself to falter a second time and lose another who was more precious to him than all the gold of the Mountain. He could swear that he would sooner take an arrow than allow his nephew to come to harm, prove his word true time and time again, and still D_i_s would never fully trust that her son was in safe keeping. She had seen the devastating aftermath of Moria; she knew how easy it was to lie when you thought victory was within your grasp._

_For the sake of the debt he felt that he owed his brother, however, Fili had personally volunteered to accompany them. Thorin would not deny him this request._

_"He has __**asked**__ to go," Thorin stated with gentle firmness. "You cannot hold him back, D_i_s."_

_Though her shoulders slumped marginally at the announcement D_i_s refused to back down. With her head held high in the mirrored stubbornness of her grandfather, she replied with eerie serenity, "No__**.**__"_

_Thorin took a deep breath and closed his eyes, forcing himself to react calmly. Only his little sister had the ability to irk him so, and now was not the time for petty quarrels. Fili had determined to follow after them one way or another, threatening to make the journey alone if he could not find any other way. Thorin only wished that D_i_s would be rational and see that her son was no longer a child. After his brother was taken, Thorin had watched Fili grow from a boy to a man in the space of three short summers. Suddenly childhood held no purpose for him as he threw himself into his training and studies with the fervency of a Dwarf three times his age._

_Kili's death had changed him; had changed them all in ways Thorin could never have imagined. _

_"Mum?"_

_D_i_s spun around at the voice, her anger vanishing under a mask of calm as she regarded her son fondly. "What is it, Fili?"_

_Fili watched cautiously from the doorway, pale blue eyes taking in Thorin's aggravated posture and the glint of antagonism hidden in D_i_s' gaze. Respectfully, but leaving no room for discussion, he implored quietly, "I want to go."_

_Though she tried to appear strong Thorin caught the flicker of desolation in his sister's gaze; a quiet plea that her son was only jesting and had no desire to leave her._

_Fili noticed the same flinch in her expression and he stepped into the room, approaching his Mother and taking her hands compassionately as he explained, "This is not Uncle's quest any longer, Mum. This is __**my**__ quest; for __**my**__ people. It is not just a chance to prove myself, or my loyalty to Uncle Thorin. You told me once that a leader must be prepared for all manner of risks; that only a coward shirks in the face of duty."_

_D_i_s cringed ever so slightly as she recognized her own words being used as sound reasoning against her. Fili smiled softly and continued,_

_"This is __**my**__ opportunity to prove myself to my people. To show that I can lead them no matter how dangerous or futile our circumstances appear to be. How can I hold my head high when Erabor is reclaimed - how can I prove myself to be worthy as their future king - if I cannot fight for what is rightfully ours? Let me go with him, Mum, knowing that I will have your blessing and that you shall not be disappointed with me for leaving."_

_Her resolve wilting, D_i_s' eyes softened and she took her son's face in her hands, observing him closely and shaking her head in wonder. "You've grown so much," she murmured, smiling in mingled pride and sorrow for the loss of her little boy. _

_Memories flashed through her mind: A blond child running pell-mell through the streets, hacking sticks at invisible enemies and tracking mud, leaves and other debris all through the house. An older child, still rambunctious and if possible even more devious, following his brother into all manners of mischief and melting her heart with his crystal blue gaze as he invented clever tales to cover their antics. A young Prince, still __**her **__little boy even though the ways of childhood were far behind him, training with Thorin or Dwalin to battle the foes he might one day encounter, pouring his heart into his studies for the day he might rule, sitting beside her in quiet comfort every time __**that day**__ passed and Kili was not there for her to hold tightly and remember._

_D_i_s__ knew when she had lost a battle, but that did not make surrendering any less difficult. Her heart felt like it was torn in two; half already buried with the soul of her youngest and the other rapidly vanishing from her sight. Ducking her head to conceal the tears that sparked her eyes, D_i_s hid her reluctance under a poorly attempted jest._

_"Not in that tunic are you going anywhere," she determined with a deep sigh. "And look at your hair; have I raised a Prince or a wharf rat? At least make yourself half-way presentable if you are to be tramping across the countryside with your ragged numbskull of an Uncle."_

_Fili grinned and swept her into a hug, squeezing D_i_s' breath from her momentarily in his enthusiasm. "I will come back, Mum," he promised fervently. "I'll be sending for you from Erabor before you know it."_

_"Not if you can't even make it out the door," D_i_s pointed out dryly. She waved him out of the room, adding in a fond afternote, "Your Uncle and I have to talk. Go discuss this with Dwalin or get those boots replaced; I will not have you crossing the Mountains in ruined leather - you would be lame before you ever set foot in Erabor."_

_With a fleeting grin Fili bolted out the door, a hint of his old enthusiasm bringing a lump of nostalgia to D_i_s' throat. Decades had passed since Kili had been taken from her, and still she expected a rumpled shadow to pelt down the hall in her eldest's wake. Thorin's hand rested on her shoulder and she clutched it instinctively, drawing comfort from his presence as she listened for the joyous laughter that would never fill the house again._

_"He will be fine," Thorin assured, associating his sister's far-off gaze with her concern for Fili alone. "I will watch over him, D_i_s. I promise; I will bring him back to you."_

_D_i_s turned around and regarded him with a cool expression, her mind set as she announced, "I am coming with you."_

_Thorin started at her response, struggling to grasp the words that had flown from his sister's mouth before he rebuked, "The wilderness is no place for a woman, D_i_s. Stay here where you belong."_

_"The wilderness is no place for __**my son**__, either" D_i_s retorted emphatically. "Do not bother to argue the point, Thorin; if he goes, so do I." Under her breath she added, "Besides, someone has to make sure you two don't walk around in sodden boots and give yourselves foot rot or set up camp near a hornet's nest."_

_"Fili is more than capable of taking care of himself," Thorin rolled his eyes. "Did we not discuss this already? How is he expected to prove himself if you mother him constantly?"_

_"Do not bring my 'mothering skills' into this," D_i_s retorted, emphasizing each word with a wave of a wooden spoon she had retrieved from the table. "If you are so anxious to have someone as young as Fili at your side, then there can be no further harm if your sister accompanies you as well. I witnessed the destruction of Erabor and I have had to defend myself against Goblins the same as you and Frer- " D_i_s stopped herself a moment before speaking the name of her deceased brother. "The same as you," she finished quietly. _

_Earnestly she __concluded, "You and Fili are all I have left. Do not ask me to wait here with no knowledge of whether or not either of you are still alive. I will not sit quietly and count the days until your return."_

_Slinging the spoon over her shoulder she declared with a mischievous grin, "I will ask no special treatment because I am your sister, Thorin; you know I shall follow your every command just as I did during our journey into exile. Do not entertain the notion that you can sneak off early without me, however; you know I am as stubborn as you are."_

_Perhaps her claims were true, but it did not mean that Thorin would have to agree. Once D_i_s made up her mind about a matter she would not be swayed from her decision, however, and it would be less trouble to humor her than to argue the matter further. _

_D_i_s' reasoning for the fierce protectiveness she held for her son was clear, but in this case Thorin felt it was unnecessary. He would bring Fili home alive by whatever means necessary. He had sworn to it, and Thorin never once backed down from his word._

* * *

Thinking back to this time, Thorin wondered if he should have been less attentive to the needs of an heir and taken more considerate regard of the supplications of his sister. If he had listened to D_i_s' plea; if he had ordered Fili to remain behind; would his nephew have obeyed his commands or would the outcome still have been the same? Thorin would never know, and now it was too late.

Feeling as though he had aged far beyond his years, Thorin forced himself to turn away. His steps were heavy and lethargic as though a mountain had been laid to rest upon his shoulders. He had thought he could endure no more death after Kili had been taken. The loss of his youngest nephew, not even twenty-two summers when the Goblins raided their village, had been a crippling blow which even now waged war in his heart as Thorin debated what he might have done to prevent it. Fili's death was like the final stroke, proclaiming to all the futility of their mission and the wasted efforts to reclaim the land of their forefathers. For what use was Erabor to Thorin now, if it had come at the cost of his greatest treasure?

All that was left to him was the burning vengeance that captivated his thoughts; for the murder of Kili, of Freren and his father and grandfather, and now for the death of his only remaining sister's son. They would reclaim Erabor; not for the glory of an age long past, but for the sake of those who had been slain in the wake of its destruction. Thorin would not rest until the Dragon smoldered in its own inner flames, until Orc and Goblin alike trembled at the very mention of the name _Durin_, until the corpses of the enemy were piled high for all to see in remembrance of those who had been lost along the way.

Even then Thorin would never be satisfied, for nothing could erase the sorrow branded upon his heart.

A short distance away an unseen figure paused behind the cover of a fir, apprehension battling with the need to confirm that all was not lost. Quietly Bilbo slipped the ring back onto his finger and slipped away, his feet silent in the whispering tall grass as he padded up the mountain slope and prepared to re-enter the darkness.

Gandalf alone detected the slight swish of an intruder that was no native to the mountains. His eyes tracked the faint crumpling of grass under light footsteps, the brush of a leaf bending against the direction of the wind. Perhaps he knew something; perhaps he suspected. Without a word he turned away, however, ordering Thorin to continue on before night fell and the Goblins returned in droves too great to number.

* * *

**Mini-muse is not pleased with the author. Neocolai wants to save the next arc for her birthday on Sunday, and Mini-muse wanted Kili to be in this chapter. The author wins this round and the Mini-muse sulks and swears to convince all the reviewers to procrastinate. Clearly we will not be speaking until chapter 3 has been posted. **

**Meanwhile, the Original Muse will take all reviews and sip the double-shot chocolate mocha which hyped it up for the next dramatically emotional chapter on Kili's part. (A rare beneficiary factor of coffee.) **

**Please remember to feed the Muses (and console Mini-muse) so that the next chapter can be posted as soon as possible. ;)**

**A Little Side-Note****: "Dwarrow" is plural for Dwarves. This is my first fanfic to have the correct conjugation.**


	3. Fear in the Darkness

The darkness was either a foe or a friend; a comfort or a torment; a hiding place or a terrifying realm of the unknown. He knew the darkness; lived it; breathed it. It was as much a part of him as the stone; the anxiety; the never ending reel of pain.

This stranger did not understand the darkness. He spun at every shift of rock sliding down crevices, unable to discern the tread of a Goblin's foot from the stirring of the mountain. He avoided touching the walls of the corridors, not understanding that deciphering the varying textures and the openings of tunnels was the only means of finding his way.

_He _knew his way. He was rarely lost. Only Goblins knew their own tunnels better than he. Baldor had realized this; had used threatening words and the promise of "unfortunate accidents" to blackmail him into leading the way out.

_"There are many caverns where the Goblins dare not go. I could take you to the creature they whisper of - the one who devours its victims alive, who sneaks out of the darkness and leaves only dried bones in its wake. I could do that right here and now and no one would notice you were missing."_

_"No... no, you wouldn't...!" _

He knew Baldor would, though. Even by Men's standards Baldor was massive, and thanks to the "willing donations" of food rations by those he threatened, his strength only increased by the toil in the caverns. More than once _he_ had been on the receiving end of Baldor's fists, and after his jaw was broken he had not dared to stand up for himself again. Better to be seen a coward and live than to lie broken and helpless in one of the corridor until the death mercifully claimed him or the Goblins finished the job to ensure the preservation of fresher meat. He had seen that happen before, and the image still made him shudder.

Baldor had betrayed him in the end, however, shoving him into the wall so that his head spun and shouting for the Goblins the moment they cleared the entrance. The traitor had escaped and he had been left to the wrath of his captors. He could still feel their spidery hands clenched about his throat, smell his own flesh burning as the marks were etched into his face.

He whimpered deep in his throat and instinctively rubbed his fingers against the scar, tracing the outline and shivering in remembrance. He had not tried to escape since that time. The imaginary pain still assaulted his mind as though in cruel reminder, and he did not want it to happen again. He could not stand another branding.

_"Next time it will be an eye, filth."_

He shuddered and glanced over his shoulder to where the other one was still bumbling through the dark. Survival instinct told him to flee while he had the chance, to go back to the darkness and not trust his life to yet another who would betray him. Something deeper, like an old whip scar that had long healed but could still be keenly felt, lured him to trust the stranger.

Faint images rose to mind whenever this one spoke; tall green grass waving in the cool, crisp breeze; the sharp scent of apple wood and pine, tantalizing him with dreams of far off lands as he watched the world go by from his perch on a tall limb; security and warmth, a fire crackling and a woman's humming as she held him close; stern blue eyes in a grim visage, signifying either a reason to fear or to feel safe - he could never decide which; the clack of wooden swords and the thrill of racing away from the enemy, the cobblestones warm under his bare feet from the late afternoon sun; the arm of an older blond child wrapped around him, his expression patient and teasing as he ruffled his hair and started reading aloud from the book in his lap.

Only a taste of the images was allowed before they flitted away, and he was left wondering if it was all a dream and longing for it to come back. He had a name associated with the memories, a name known only to himself; one he had never told the Goblins or any of the other slaves for fear they would scorn him or punish his belligerent yearning for identity.

_'Kili_.' The word rolled off his tongue and he sounded it silently, the images returning for a scant moment before they drifted through his fingers like a handful of silt. He did not know where he had learned the name. He liked to pretend that it was really _his_ from another time, and not some conjuration of his mind to allow him to imagine that at one point he had belonged to someone.

In the end it did not matter, for now his only name was that which had been inscribed onto his face. The lowest of the low, he had heard a Goblin translate. A victim; a target; the one to be held to blame for any petty accident or rebellion. He knew he had caused them trouble, and they said he deserved no less. He was beginning to believe it himself.

But then this other one had come along. This stranger did not act as though Kili was to be held accoutable for his fall, or the limp he tried to hide as he hurried through the darkness. He had said he would not harm him, and Kili thought perhaps he might be trustworthy after all. He was not like Baldor; he had put away his knife and promised to set him free. Common sense told Kili that he should not rely on any save himself; no one cared for anything but preserving their own life, after all. Even he knew better than to interfere with another slave. That deeply ingrained need to _belong_ pleaded with him to give this one a chance, however, to see if this one would really help or if he, too, would cast him aside like the useless weakling he had become.

_"Next time it will be an eye, filth."_

He could not risk being caught again, but more terrifying than the prospect of escape was the knowledge that he _would_ be blamed for the Goblin's death, as well as for the deaths of those whom the stranger said had been battling against his family. More deaths; more reasons for them to despise him; further anguish until he could bear no more and he begged for mercy, only to hear their triumphant cackles as they renewed their torment. He could not stand the thought and he leaned against the wall for a moment, gasping for sheer terror as muddied patches of grey overlapped his vision.

"Are you ... Are you all right?" There was hesitation in the stranger's voice before a hand clasped his shoulder.

Kili almost screamed at the sudden contact, instinctively lurching away and reeling as the tunnel spun around him. He was breathing too fast; driving himself into a panic attack. He had to regain control _now_ or else they would consider him a sick one and take him away ... The sick ones never came back, not except in smaller pieces to keep the others alive...

Fear at the thought drove him to his knees and he moaned and wrapped his arms around his head. The stranger shouted in concern and tried to pull him upright but Kili could not _think_ save that his shoulder hurt and his back was a mass of agony, and his legs would not support him right and they would consider him _weak_ and _useless_ and they would slit his throat and drag his body away and the gods help him, _he did not want to die_!

"K - I mean- whatever your name is - _look at me!_"

Hands grasped his shoulders and shook hard, the barking command snapping him back to his senses with a tremor of apprehension. The stranger was breathing harshly and Kili knew he was angry; furious that Kili was acting pathetic and useless and would never be able to show him the way out if he kept behaving in this manner.

With a gulp Kili forced himself to swallow back his fear, steadying his breathing and stammering that he would be all right. Perhaps this one would betray him, too, but right now anything was better than what lay in store for him if the Goblins found out what he had done. He did not want this one to leave him behind. He wanted to show that he was a good guide even if he was weak and pathetic, and maybe if he proved that he could be useful in a small way the stranger would allow him to follow along and escape this torment.

Maybe, just maybe - he did not dare to hope - this one's family would let him stay with them and not send him away to fend on his own. He did not know how he would survive in the wild by himself, but he could work hard and he would do whatever they asked from him if they did not send him away. He did not have to eat much, after all, and he did not care what scraps they gave him was as long as it kept him alive, and he would not be a burden to them - he promised! He would do any task they asked of him, however burdensome or menial it was, so long as they took him away from these dark caverns.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, raising his head and stumbling to his feet to prove that he was _not_ weak and could stand on his own. "I - I won't falter again. It - It's not far - the entrance. You - you'll be with your family s-soon."

"Are you _sure_ you're all right?"

The concern in his voice seemed so genuine that for a moment Kili almost broke down again for the sea of memories that overwhelmed him. The feeling of being loved and wanted, protected and cared for ... for a moment it was so _real_.

Then the moment was gone and he remembered who and what he was. He was only the lowest of slaves, not even worth having a name save the curses rendered to him by anyone who stooped to take notice of his existence.

"I - I'm fine," he assured hastily, desperate not to dissapoint this one and lose his chances at freedom. "I - it was s-stupid of me - w-won't happen again."

The stranger was not convinced and Kili gulped nervously, pressing one hand against the tunnel wall and hurrying along before the stranger could change his mind and leave him behind. A hand grasped his elbow and Kili gasped for an instant, forcing himself not to defend himself.

With an awkward shrug the stranger muttered, "You look ready to fall over any minute."

He w_asn't_. He _wouldn't._ He would prove he was stronger than this. The hand did not move away, however, and Kili tried not to think of how close the swords were, and how easy it would be for the stranger to restrain him and run one of the sharp blades straight through his heart.

"It's all right; I will not hurt you."

Kili paled and focused his eyes on the ground, shivering at how well the stranger had read his thoughts. _I'm not weak, I'm not weak. See how well I'm guiding you along? You can't afford to lose me yet; I'll prove that I'm useful somehow._

Nightmarish shrieks rang in the tunnels before them and panic surged through Kili as he realized the footsteps were _too close_. He had been too intent on restraining his fear to catch the faint scuffle of the Goblins who were approaching, and now it was too late.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" he shouted as the stranger cursed under his breath, pushing him behind him and against the wall as he drew his twin blades. Kili curled into himself and wrapped his arms around his head, trying to protect his face and hoping that the sharp edges would not slice apart his hands and render him truly useless.

The blow never came, however, and Kili dared to peek as the pained shrieks of Goblins filled the tunnel. In the dim light he could see the stranger parrying and weaving, swords waving around blindly as he trusted instinct to guide him in the darkness. A Goblin lance gashed his shoulder and the stranger bit back a cry, striking back at his attacker and half-severing its neck. Kili scrambled away from the mayhem and watched with wide, horror stricken gaze as the stranger began to stumble, unable to fight off an enemy that was unseen.

_He_ could see, though, and Kili's breath quickened as he realized he finally had a chance to prove he was invaluable to this one and his family. Skittering forward on his hands and knees he grabbed the fallen Goblin's lance, grunting at the unfamiliar weight and trying to hold it steady as he lurched to his feet. Awkwardly he swung it towards a Goblin approaching the stranger's back, and for an instant he recalled large, calloused hands holding his grip steady as the blue eyed warrior showed him how to properly swing a blade. The lance struck the Goblin in the ribs, black blood gushing from the wound as it screeched and gurgled, falling to the ground in a death knell.

Suddenly Kili's hair was grabbed and he was thrown to the side, a second Goblin hissing and spitting in his face as it brandished a knife towards his neck. He whimpered and it cackled, and he knew that it recognized him and the mark etched onto his face. The troublesome one. The one who was beneath all notice unless a victim was desired to torment. The knife teased on the edge of his vision, sliding towards his eye before the Goblin changed its mind and grasped the fingers of his right hand. He cried out involuntarily and writhed to get away, earning a kick to the head that left him crumpled against the wall, helpless to evade the razor thin edge that would cripple him forever.

Light sprang into being and Kili yelped and raised a hand to cover his eyes, shrinking away as a blue-white blade lashed downwards and sank into the Goblin's skull. The blade bobbed and jabbed, uncoordinated attacks giving the Goblins no clear target as hands were severed and weapons were blocked. The enemy now visible in the bluish light, the stranger had no difficulty disposing of the rest. Kili looked on in awe as the Goblins seemed to melt away, realizing too late that he had done nothing but cradle his hand and watch _uselessly_ as he waited to be rescued by someone. A sob broke free and he ducked his head, knowing that the stranger would be disappointed and now he would never have a chance to stay.

"What in Durin's name - Bilbo, where did you come from?"

"I've always been here," a newer voice said dismissively. "... You must have missed me among the Goblins."

A second figure seemed to appear miraculously beside the stranger, and for the first time Kili had a glimpse of the one who - so he wanted to believe - was saving his life. Fair hair gleamed in the pale sword light, and for a moment Kili recalled light-hearted dares and laughter, the wind tearing through his hair as he raced another through a forest glade. The image faded and he knew not whether it was a long forgotten shard of his past or yet another illusion his mind conjured to escape the trauma.

The stranger was shorter than Kili expected; a Dwarf like himself, perhaps. He was clearly _not_ a slave of the mines given his well-fed appearance and elegant clothing, and Kili allowed himself to envision for an instant what it might be like not to feel hollowed out by hunger and wracked with convulsive shivers for just one day. It was foolishness, for even if the Dwarf's family allowed him to accompany them they would surely not waste their good clothing and supplies on a worthless slave, but to pretend for even one moment that it was possible gave him more hope than he'd had in a long while.

The stranger's expression showed irritation and exhaustion, but not the anger that Kili had anticipated. He had learned how to read the atmosphere by the voices of his captors alone, for more often than not the only times he was dragged into the light was when the forges were lit in the upper levels; where more smelters were crushed under slabs of red-hot metal than those who died from the blasting heat. Rarely had Kili had the opportunity to actually _see_ the expressions of any other save the Goblins, however, and he could not understand how the stranger's loud exclamations did not accompany the livid fury he associated with the sound.

He did not have time to contemplate the matter further, as the one called 'Bilbo' anxiously waved for them to move along. "Come on; we need to get out of here. There's likely more coming this way."

Strength and determination in his bearing, the stranger took several steps forward only to pause and glance back to where Kili still watched the duo apprehensively. Kili realized he should be moving and scrambled to his feet, only to swallow back a yelp of surprise when the Dwarf hastened forward and pulled him upright, firmly grasping Kili's right arm to support him.

"_Durin's Bane_, you look half-dead," the stranger muttered with a grimace. "When was the last time you ate something?"

He hissed a few dark curses in an language Kili did not recognize, and he was left to wonder what he had done wrong now. Perhaps the Dwarf was angry because he thought he would have to feed Kili extra since he was too weak to move quickly by himself. It was far from true, of course; Kili could still hammer a chisel as well as any of the other slaves, and he could run at any moment if he had to. This one did not know that yet, however, and Kili was swift to reassure him,

"Y-you won't have to f-feed me much... I don't need a lot t-to go on ... I'll keep up."

Bilbo shot him a worried glance and for a moment Kili lurched to a halt, wondering if he had fallen into a dream and forgotten to wake up. There was such open _compassion _in that one's eyes, as though he really _cared _what happened to a useless, wretched piece of filth that did not deserve to even look upon the light of the blue sword that pierced the darkness around him. Kili did not know what to do or how to respond and he hastily looked away, terrified that he might break down again for the agony of knowing he would wake up soon and realize that this was all just another vivid dream that would never come to pass.

Without his knowledge the Dwarf and Bilbo exchanged a horrified look, the same thought running through each of their minds. _What has he endured to incite this manner of terror?_

The stranger released a terse sigh of anger, setting forth with renewed vigor for the distant burst of sunlight ahead. Bilbo's mouth was set in a firm line, his hand clenched in a white knuckled grip around his sword though he frequently sent a concerned glance in Kili's direction. Neither spoke and Kili drowned in his uncertainty, wondering why they continued to bother dragging him along when the exit was straight ahead and they surely did not need him any longer. He felt the faintest stirring of hope and swiftly quenched it, knowing it would only make the betrayal worse when they cast him aside and went on their own way.

The moment they stepped out of the tunnel blinding rays of sunlight sent Kili crashing to his knees, his hands clapping over his face as knives of agony lanced through his skull. _Sunlight_. Glorious rays caressing his skin, lifting his spirits as he breathed deeply of sweet, pine scented air. He had lost count of the days since he had last attempted to escape of his captivity, but it had surely been years since he had last experienced the beautiful warmth and light and _freedom_ of the wild.

"No, wait..." he distantly heard the stranger speaking to his companion, "...Give him a moment."

He should be moving, Kili realized. His rescuers had no time for him to laze around when they were still in danger of recapture. Relishing the last moments of sheer bliss he forced himself to open his eyes, blinking rapidly as his eyes watered in the glare. For an instant he did not recognize the simplest works of nature, and his eyes filled with tears of wonder as he gazed upon the tall firs and pines that had once been only the remnants of his dreams. Sparse tufts of grass were more brown than green in the mountain heights, but to Kili they were more vibrant in color than the most perfect emerald. Overhead the sky stretched in an endless sheet of celadon mingled with magenta and fiery orange, the rays of the setting sun only adding to the majesty of the mountains rising in the distance. Kili could not take in the magnitude of what was before him. The sheer beauty of a world waiting just outside the darkness he had known all his life stole his breath away.

Bilbo shifted in place and awkwardly cleared his throat, stating apologetically, "The others already have a head start down the mountain. We really should go."

Reluctantly Fili nodded, bending to carefully jostle the slave's shoulder. He looked like he was falling asleep already, and Fili could not imagine what he must have suffered during his captivity. The boy's face was thin and pale, his bony wrists jutting out from tattered sleeves to testify a severe lack of proper nourishment. His hair was ratted and tangled in more snags than Fili had seen on a pony left to run wild in the brambles for days on end. He was absolutely filthy, his face covered with grime and his clothing the same dull slate color as his hair. Blood, both fresh and dried, encrusted his tunic and leggings and seeped from the open gashes on his torn, calloused feet. Raw skin looked agitated and infected around the unforgiving metal encasing his wrists, and Fili did not know if the boy was ever given a moment's respite from the heavy chains.

More pitiful than all of this, however, was the desperate joy shimmering in the slave's expression as his fingers dug into the earth, his eyes closing initially for protection against the sun and then for sheer relief as he lifted his head to greet the wind. Fili was struck by the boy's fervent longing for the simple matters he often took for granted, and he had to look away for shame that he had even considered ending the slave's wretched life rather than granting him his freedom.

At the touch of Fili's hand boy startled, his coal dark eyes shining like a frightened deer as he searched rapidly for a weapon that might be used against him. Sensing no immediate threat he rose to his feet without complaint, his gaze pleading as though he suspected that at any moment Fili would react as Baldor and throw him back into the hands of his tormentors.

How many years of torture had this boy endured, to regard every living being as someone who would only cause him further harm? Had he ever learned to trust, or was that a security that had always been denied him?

The thought brought with it a haze of rage at the atrocities of the Goblins, and with this reminder came the plunging guilt as Fili recalled the burning coals of his little brother gaze, beseeching him to get up and rescue him from the screeching hoards that tore him away. Kili's eyes had always been so expressive and uncertain, conflicted with second guessing as he tried to please his Uncle and prove that he was just as good as his brother.

Looking into the dulled, lifeless eyes of the slave he had rescued, Fili had to fight back a wave of remorse. For an instant he could have sworn he saw the broken, downtrodden gaze of his little brother, and the mental image was enough to shatter him. He could not imagine Kili, cheerful and exuberant, whose laughter could set any heart at ease, being dragged into the heart of the mines; never again to taste the fresh air or feel the grass under his feet, or gaze upon the endless horizon and listen to the warble of a robin's song.

Fili knew that if he even allowed himself to dwell on such a notion any further it would break him, and with an effort he forced himself to turn away. The slave followed without a word and Fili could not bring himself to speak and reassure him that all was well. His mind dwelt only on Kili, and he could not face this fear-driven wraith who bore his little brother's eyes.

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**Mini-muse is still not speaking to me ... probably because it is too busy racing around in a party hat and blowing on noise makers as it demands more and more CAKE! (I think it is addicted to sugar. Too many chocolate chips from my last fic.)**

**Original Muse wrote this chapter (Mini-muse was too busy looking for my birthday cake) and it actually turned out fairly non-tragic for once. Wonders never cease... Maybe I should give it more coffee? :/**

**This chapter is posted a day early since I will be gone most of tomorrow, but Mini-muse thinks that the reviews are presents for it to open and it will be haunting my email notifications this entire weekend. Do leave a comment or two (and a piece of cake) so that it will not be disappointed. ;)**


	4. Trust

**I am a conniving little monster and I am going to kill myself from sheer angst one of these days.**

**Whoever donated those chocolate covered coffee beans should know that they started a war between the Original Muse and the Mini-muse. (Mini-muse wants to nibble off all the chocolate coating first, Original Muse wants to devour everything.) Still, they and all others who offered the Muse coffee do have my eternal gratitude for this chapter.**

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Shadows devoured the glade in wraith like claws, leaping forward as though to swallow alive those who fled the Goblins' clutches. Night was swiftly enveloping the land, the pale light from Bilbo's sword increasing as their pursuers drew closer. Distant howls echoed in the hills and Fili lengthened his stride, glancing furtively over his shoulder as he estimated how long before the enemy overtook them. Surely the rest of the company was not far off; Gandalf would know how to fend off the Wargs.

The slave was gasping for air as he dragged behind, nigh incapable of running yet unable to stop for the firm grip Fili had on his wrist. He limped heavily, lurching with every stride as his torn and blistered feet bled freely from new rents dealt by thorny brambles and jagged stones. Even if he had not been injured running would have been difficult, for the chains fastened around his wrists snagged on bushes and fallen limbs, often sending him crashing to the earth with a keen of anguish before he was forced to stumble to his feet once more.

Fili looked back once in concern and wished he hadn't, for the boy's face was drawn with agony and his dark eyes glimmered with tears of pain. Even so he never once asked to rest, his gaze fixated ahead with a reckless determination Fili could not comprehend. In spite of his fear-driven compliance, it appeared that once freedom was within his grasp the slave refused to let it slip free. He would kill himself in the endeavor if he must, but he would not relinquish this small taste of liberty.

It was a poor example of liberty that Fili had to offer, however, for if they did not catch up to the others soon they would all be wishing for death. No Goblins were fabled as Warg-riders. It was Orcs that were close on their trail, and if any of the rumors Fili were heard were true the slave would have been better off left to his fate. Fili knew that he himself would sooner exchange his life for one of toil and hardship than die in slow torment at the hands of something far worse.

If Fili had understood the horrors reserved for those who were enslaved, however, he would have realized that any manner of death paled in comparison to a lifetime of agony. For death, though it may take weeks to come to pass, at last brings relief and finality to the one who suffers. To live for decades, dragged to the brink of death's warm embrace over and over before one is yanked back to further torture, was an existence so bleak and hopeless that slaves oft leaped from the brink of the chasms to put an end to their misery.

It was not merely for the sake of his own life and freedom that Kili fled, however. He knew well of the allegiance between Orc and Goblin, and though the two rarely agreed upon the fate of a prisoner they were known to rally over a matter of sport. One glimpse of the brand on his face and the Orcs would know to whom he belonged. The other two might be killed at once, spared from their anguish after a few short hours, but he would not be granted the same mercy. Weeks might pass and they still would not let him go, for only after they had their fill of amusement watching him writhe in agony would they return him to the Goblins for whatever petty sum a damaged slave was worth.

Kili had seen it before, and those slaves had lasted only hours before fading away. To be released from the brutal torture methods of the Orcs, only to find themselves back in the endless reel of darkness and screams was too much for them to bear. Many of them simply let go of life and slipped away. After watching their mutilated corpses being dragged off to the cooking fires, Kili readily admitted that there was one exception where he would rather die than be captured again.

Death seemed inevitable at this point, for the eerie howls drew ever closer until they sounded less than fifty feet beyond Kili's line of sight. He froze in place, staring in unblinking horror as snaps and crashes in the underbrush hailed the Wargs' approach. The blond stranger skidded to a halt and peered into the gloom, cursing vilely in his own tongue as he reached for his swords.

Metal rang and Kili hastily stepped back, fear coursing through him as twin blades glittered in the pale moonlight. A lump clogged his throat and he shook his head beseechingly, tears springing to his eyes as the implications set in.

Surely he had not brought them this far, only to be slaughtered as bait to delay the ravenous monsters.

Kili suddenly could not breathe. He gasped raggedly for air that would not come, a tear trickling down his cheek as he realized he was about to be betrayed by those he thought he could finally trust. He trembled in foreboding, wondering how long the pain would last before blackness suffocated him for eternity.

Would they slay him quickly, or would they chop off his legs and leave the Wargs something to play with to buy themselves more time? Would they secure him to the earth with a knife stabbed through his wrist, or pin him high in the tree so that the Wargs lost time scrabbling higher to snag their enticing prey, or would his captors be merciful and run him through the stomach so that _hopefully _he could bleed out before razor teeth crunched through bone and tore him apart?

The stranger turned and Kili squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the unforgiving bite of metal. _Just make it quick ... Please, just make it quick!_

"Bilbo, get him into that tree and then follow! I'll cover for you!"

Kili dared to peek, flinching as Bilbo's glowing sword swung on the edge of his vision. A hand grasped his arm and for an instant Kili stared into the blue light in mute terror. He lifted his anguished gaze to the eyes that had seemed so harmless and gentle in the caverns, and he nearly crumpled as he saw the same compassion reflected in the sight of his would-be murderer.

The curt command from the stranger was unmistakable; they would not show him mercy. They would skewer him high up in the fir, allowing his screams to alert Goblins, Orcs and Wargs alike for miles around while they themselves escaped. Attracted by the scent of blood, the enemy would surround him like moths drawn to flame. Death might come in blissful seconds, or it might be days before they dragged his slashed, bloodless corpse from the branches.

A sob broke free and Kili stumbled to the massive trunk as he was ordered, his heart sinking under an unbearable weight as he realized he was climbing to his own cage of torment. He had nothing left in him to fight back, and tears streamed down his face as he wondered if Bilbo would still be kind and use rope to secure him or if the wracking agony of a sword driven through his shoulder would be inevitable.

His manacles caught on a small branch and Kili nearly lost his balance, clinging to the tree's rough bark as the weighted metal pulled him down. Perhaps he should give in now and allow himself to fall, hoping that the collision would break his neck instead of merely snapping his legs like dried tinder. Before Kili could fully consider this option Bilbo reached up and carefully snapped the branch, nodding for him to continue climbing. Unable to comprehend anything else, Kili swallowed back his panic and did as he was told.

"Stop... I think this is far enough."

The branches here grew thinner and more sparse, and Kili risked a look below. His head swam from the height and dread filled him as he realized how long it might be before the Wargs gave up and their riders climbed themselves to retrieve him. Of course, perhaps the hybrid wolves would see fit to uproot his perch and finish him off on the ground, but that would ruin their sport. Orcs like to prolong their victim's death knell.

Bilbo marginally shifted his weapon and Kili lowered his head in defeat. Compliantly he laid his right wrist against a knothole in the trunk, already feeling the wide blade sinking between the bones and fastening him in place. He shivered uncontrollably, lisping a plea for Bilbo to complete the deed and cease taunting him with this dreadful waiting game.

"It's all right," Bilbo spoke up, his voice laced with trepidation despite his attempt to sound in control. "They can't reach you up here."

The hobbit bit down on his lip and wriggled to find a better position, momentarily switching his sword to his left hand so that he could firmly grasp the weathered trunk. Kili watched the shining blade and stifled a whimper, knowing that now was the perfect opportunity for Bilbo to drive it up to the hilt without losing his own precarious balance.

No such blow arrived, however, and Kili was distracted by the crackling of branches as the stranger haphazardly climbed. The blond Dwarf's swords had been returned to their sheathes and he rose swiftly, grasping for the higher limbs in less than half the time it had taken Kili and Bilbo to reach that point. With a gasp of exertion the stranger swung himself onto a limb just below the two, his light hair flinging back in the moonlight as he inquired,

"Are you both all right?"

"Fine," Bilbo answered shortly, "Though he looks ready to launch into another panic attack." To Kili he assured once more, "I told you, it's going to be all right. Wargs can't climb trees..." With a sharp glance below he added, "They can't, can they?"

"We never tried it before..." the stranger responded flippantly, attempting to be light-hearted about the matter.

Bilbo cast him a dour glare and rolled his eyes. "Well, that's encouraging to know."

Kili's gaze shifted rapidly between the two, realizing for the first time that they intended to stay in the tree until the Wargs came. "You - you're not... You're not leaving?" he asked in a breathless whisper.

"We cannot outrun them," the stranger responded darkly. "Our best course is to remain here and hope they pass by." Below his breath he muttered, "_If _we should be so fortunate..."

"But ... you - you're not ..." He was afraid to voice the question, but Kili _had_ to know or else he would go mad from the suspense. "You're not ... going to ... t-to kill me?"

Bilbo gasped and the blond Dwarf's head swung up at the accusation. Kili ducked his head and refused to meet their eyes, wishing they would tell him the _truth_ for once and get it over with.

"What makes you think we're going to kill you?" Bilbo asked in a horrified voice.

"I - I ..." Kili could not bear to look up, realizing with a wave of self-revulsion that he had once more drawn the wrong conclusion and made himself appear weaker in their eyes. How pathetic he was, assuming that every act on their part was carried out with the intent of taking his life! How uselessly _stupid _of him to make such a blatant mistake! There was no point in hoping they would allow him to stay now. He had blown his chances entirely.

"Listen," the stranger spoke up quietly, tapping Kili's shin to get his attention. "Is that what you were afraid of; that we would turn on you just as Baldor had? I promised no harm would come to you, did I not?"

Numbly Kili nodded, pillowing his cheek against the tree's rugged bark as doubt warred with wistful longing at the sincerity in the stranger's words.

"I saved your life in those caverns to _free _you, not to kill you the moment danger appeared," the stranger continued. "You have nothing to fear. We _will _get through this alive; all of us. I swore no harm would come to you, and I say it again now. I _will _keep you safe. The enemy will have to get past me first before they can ever hurt you again. I ... _I won't let you down_," the stranger finished tremulously, his voice fading as he was lost in his own reminiscence.

His promise stirred a memory deep within that Kili could not place. Wisps of blond hair glowing in the light of the fire; blue eyes glinting like the twin marbles that he and another flicked back and forth on the dusty floor; warmth and comfort on a cold winter night; the fur of an animal, silky and soft under his fingertips. A name rolled off the tip of his tongue, fading from memory before he could fully understand its meaning.

"_Fee_?" Kili whispered, sounding the word carefully and searching his mind for any trace of significance.

The stranger was too caught up in his own turmoil to notice the brief moment of questioning that crossed Kili's face, but the young slave had deciphered enough. Slowly he nodded his head, swallowing back his fear and surrendering to the yearning cry in his heart. Perhaps this was what it felt like to have a family; to know that someone would guard his life even when he was too cowardly to watch out for himself.

Quietly Kili made his own decision; the first determined not by the instinct of survival, but by his own choice. He would allow himself to trust this one. Some inner voice assured that this stranger would not betray him.

Salt water stung his eyes and Fili hastily brushed his sleeve over his face, ordering himself to hold it together. He could not take his mind off his little brother's pleading, wretched eyes, and he chided himself bitterly for the distraction. Thorin would not have allowed himself to be lost to emotion with the enemy so close on his trail. He would have buried it deep and used it to fuel his motives, strengthening himself and those around him.

Apprehension would not release its hold on Fili's mind, however, and his voice trembled slightly as he asked Bilbo, "Do you think the others made it past the Wargs?"

"I'm sure of it," Bilbo was hasty to assure. He was glancing between Fili and the slave in perplexion, noticing _something_ that Fili had obviously missed in the conversation. Shaking himself out of his befuddlement, the hobbit added, "Gandalf is with them, after all. I'm sure he has a plan."

A Warg's lonely wail disrupted Fili's next question and he stiffened against the tree, fumbling at his belt and cursing as he remembered his axe had been taken by the Goblins. The slave drew in a sharp breath and his face drained white as he pulled his right arm away from the tree and cradled it protectively against him. He whimpered softly and sank into the shadows of the branches, cringing as the first Warg scout appeared below.

Cautiously Fili pulled his hood up to hide the gleam of moonlight on his golden hair. Fear trickled like a swiftly rising current within him and he wished at this moment that Thorin or Gandalf was here. Dwalin or Nor, or any of the other Dwarrow (though Fili admitted it would have been a little embarrassing to be rescued by _her_), or even Bifur's presence would have comforted Fili, for though he would have to endure the humility of a rescue, at least he would have had an older, more experienced warrior to look to for guidance.

Fili had no one to look to save himself, however, and he berated himself for his cowardice. Thorin would have much to say of him now; the Heir of Durin, destined Prince of Erebor ... hiding away in a tree and trembling at the first cry of a Warg. He ought to be ashamed of himself.

"There's another one," Bilbo pointed out in a whisper, raising his hand to indicate a second Warg slinking from the line of trees.

The voracious wolves circled the grove, snorting as they caught the tantalizing scent of Dwarrow and something unrecognizable. Their riders scanned the trees with keen eyes, trusting their mounts to guide them to their discovered quarry.

"Only two," Fili murmured, taking a deep breath and adjusting his grip on the limb above him. "A scouting party, then ... But, where are the others?"

Harsh cackles filled the air as one Warg halted beneath the tree where they hid, the Orc which sat astride it throwing its head back in mirth at its cornered prey. It called over its shoulder in its own foul tongue, jerking its head for the other Orc to approach. With a growl Fili drew one of his swords, wavering as the swift movement nearly cost him his balance. Above him Bilbo followed suit, while the slave grew eerily silent and still.

"Three little birds, trapped in their nest," the first scout called in rough Western. "The Master only wanted the One ... What shall we do with these?"

The Orc drew closer and leered up into the branches. Fili snarled, recognizing its crude but effective tactic of using a common language to strike fear into the hearts of its enemies. He wanted nothing more than to wipe the sharp-toothed sneer from the creature's face and he wished he had a descent rock to lob at it.

"I say we deserve a little taste of Dwarf flesh," the Orc called over its shoulder. "Us overtaxed scouts... searching the wilds while the Master taunts his prey ... We deserve a little compensation for our efforts!"

The other Orc did not resort to Western to relay its remark, but Fili could have sworn it purred in satisfaction. Grunting words were exchanged between the Orcs as they indicated the tree and the position of their captives, and Fili knew that if something was not done soon they would not escape alive.

Gingerly the slave lowered himself to a branch closer to Fili, wrapping his arms securely around the trunk of the pine and leaning his head against the solid girth. He quivered as he watched the conversation below, asking in a breathless voice, "W-wh-what do we d-do n-n-now?"

For once Fili had no answers to give. He tightened his grip on his sword and scanned the forest, searching for _any _manner of escape route. Sparks drifted on an errant breeze and a whiff of smoke raised the hair on the back of his neck. The slave shrunk into himself, his eyes obsidian wells of horror as he lisped,

"Th-that glow... F-fire... We - we can't - can't get ..."

Fili's heart sank in dread as he recognized the implications.

_We cannot go down without being torn to pieces, yet if we remain here we shall all burn._

Flumes of crackling orange split the darkness like a wreath of sunset and gales of triumphant laughter erupted from the Orcs as they watched the flames leap through the distant trees.

"Roasted pigeons, crisped and blackened, flick off the ash and suck out the bones!" the one cried. "Too late, too late to fly away! Jump, little birds, spread your wings and leave your nest before your feathers sear! Before your blood boils until your fluttering hearts burst and your brains wither inside your skulls!"

The other Orc jeered and joined into the taunts, the brackish syllables of Orcish grating on Fili's ears until he thought he would go insane. The slave was beyond panic now. His forehead was pressed against the tree, his eyes closed and his hands clapped over his ears as he whispered some sort of endless litany. It might have been a prayer or a half-forgotten ditty for all Fili knew, but it seemed to offer little comfort. Ragged gasps punctuated the jumbled words and Fili was forced to grab the boy's shoulder and hold him in place lest he fall to his death.

At the contact the slave's eyes flew open and he stared at Fili in wild terror, desperation shimmering in his eyes as he begged silently for release from the horror. For an instant Fili saw no half-starved boy who was frightened of his own shadow. It was Kili's dark, pleading gaze that seared through his heart like a white hot blade, and tears sprang to Fili's eyes as he felt the same wrenching guilt that had speared through him years before.

Once more he was about to lose his little brother to a nightmare worse than death. Once more Fili would break his promise, and this time there would be no dream for him to wake from. Kili would be gone forever, and no amount of mourning or supplications to the gods would ever bring him back.

Though his mind told him it was only a nameless slave to whom he reached out, to Fili it was _Kili's _shoulder that he clasped as he drew the boy close and held him tight. Convulsive sobs shuddered through the skinny frame and it was _Kili_ who ducked his head and hid in Fili's arms, seeking shelter from the garish nightmare below. Flames spouted high into the air and caught on the trees close by, and it was _Kili_ who clung to him in absolute trust and waited for the fires to claim them.

Bilbo scrabbled to the lower branches, large feet and clumsy hands fumbling for a secure handhold before he settled himself beside the two boys, his presence a comfort even if he could not save them from their plight. The Orcs' jeers crowed over the roaring of flames as the trees exploded to their right. Fili wrapped both his arms around the boy, covering his ears and blocking out the horrific sounds. For just a moment he was convinced he was holding _Kili_, his kid brother safe and secure in his arms as he was meant to be.

The gale of a hurricane nearly swept Fili from the branches and it was _Kili_ who cried out as he was nearly ripped away. Barbed talons wrapped around his brother's waist and Fili shouted in denial, stabbing at the wicked claws and refusing to relinquish his hold. A startled shriek escaped the beast and it swept low once more, massive wings billowing like sails and extinguishing nearby fires in gusts of wind. A second curved appendage grasped Fili and tore him from the tree limb, yanking him and the slave high into the air before dropping them onto the back of a second majestic eagle.

Fili clenched his fingers around a handful of feathers, eliciting a chirrup of dismay from the great bird of prey. Beside him it was _Kili_ who alternately gasped and screamed in utter hysterics, wrapping his arms around his head and sobbing uncontrollably as he curled into as small a target as he could appear.

"It's all right!" Fili shouted over the wind, realizing with mingled thrill and apprehension the manner of their escape. "These are the Eagles! Just like the legends! They won't hurt us, Kili!"

The name flew from his tongue before he could stop himself. Instantly Fili's exhilaration was quenched as though a flood had swept over the muted embers of his heart. The light died in his eyes and he looked away, unable to bear the sight of those dark eyes that were so like his little brother's. He could no longer hold back the tears, and with a cry of loss Fili buried his head in his hands and sobbed.

He did not see the slave raise his head in mute disbelief, the smallest wisp of hope in his eyes as he whispered faintly, "Fee?"

His call was lost to the wind and no answer was given. With downcast eyes the boy shuffled closer and curled up beside his rescuer, tentatively wrapping his arms around the stranger's elbow and hugging it tightly to himself. Perhaps - just for this moment - he could pretend that in some lost corner of his forgotten past he had once had a real brother. And maybe ... just for a few blissful moments ... he could pretend that his brother had found him and he was going home to a family he belonged to; a family who _wanted_ him back and would never let him go.


	5. Let Him Stay

The ground lurched sickeningly to meet them and Fili groaned in protest as he was dumped unceremoniously onto the hard ground. Though he suspected the Eagle had _tried_ to be gentle, It clearly knew little of the fragility of humans, for a moment later the slave rolled past Fili only to smack into a boulder with a muffled "Umph!" The boy shook stars out of his eyes before lurching to his feet, hastily scrambling away with a yelp as the second Eagle swooped in like a ravenous falcon.

To Fili's relief it was Bilbo who slipped off the mighty predator's back. He could not express the trepidation he had felt when he realized Bilbo had not accompanied him and the slave, and Fili had feared the worst. Although shaken and blackened with soot, the Hobbit appeared to be in one piece.

Gandalf swept forward in a swirl of grey robes, his shrewd eyes sweeping over the two lost members of their company with concern. Convinced Fili and Bilbo were both well, he leaned against his staff with a solemn smile and turned to address the Eagle. "Thank you for your efforts to find them," he said, dipping his head in gratitude.

That was all that Fili could comprehend before someone slammed into him and two arms wound suffocatingly around his neck. Panic filtered into understanding as dark hair fell over his shoulder, and with a strangled rasp Fili insisted, "It's okay, Mum. I'm fine."

D_i_s momentarily released her son long enough to spin him around, nearly shouting in her hysteria, "Don't you _ever _do that to me again! Do you realize how worried I was? I thought I had lost you, Fili! What were you thinking, just - "

Without bothering to finish her lecture D_i_s pulled her son close, clutching him to herself and rocking back and forth as though he were a child returned from a tumble in the river. Tears of mingled gratitude and heartache trickled down her face and she did not bother to wipe them away. Her laughter was intermingled with sobs as she gently stroked Fili's hair back, assuring herself with joyous wonder that her boy was alive.

Fili clung to her for a moment, the tension draining from him as he lowered his head onto his Mother's shoulder. The revelation that they were all here, safe and whole and blessedly _alive_ was more than enough for Fili. A tremor ran through him and he sucked in a reedy breath, all guise of composure forgotten. Thorin might have disapproved such a rampart display of emotion in a future Prince, but at this moment Fili did not care. All he knew was that his family was safe; for him this was enough.

Glancing to the side Fili caught sight of Thorin leaning heavily on Gloin's shoulder, his leg roughly bandaged and his arm supported by a makeshift sling. His face was pale as though he had seen a ghost, and for a moment Fili caught a glimpse behind the mask of stoicism Thorin had maintained since Kili's death. Disbelief, hope and immeasurable relief reflected in crystalline blue eyes, and Fili swallowed hard as he recognized a glimpse of _fear_ in his Uncle's gaze.

Thorin had believed he had lost his only remaining nephew - just like he had lost Kili.

Swallowing with difficulty, Fili nodded to indicate he was well. He happened to glance to the side and abruptly cleared his throat in embarrassment as he realized the general drama had earned him an audience.

"Um... I'm all right, Mum," Fili insisted, glancing awkwardly at the others and glowering at Gandalf who was leaning on his staff with a benign smile. "I'm not going anywhere."

"D_i_s," Thorin spoke up, timely rescuing his nephew from his dilemma.

With a sigh D_i_s pulled away, running her hand down her son's cheek and smiling despite the shimmering veil in her gaze. With a shaky laugh she stepped back and wiped her hand across her eyes, trying to be light-hearted despite her ebbing trepidation.

"You look like you rolled in the ash heap," D_i_s chided gently, flicking a wayward spider off her son's shoulder. Fili noticed the bandage around her arm and he halted her with a look of concern.

"You're hurt!"

D_i_s frowned sharply and stopped him before he could examine the wound further, shaking her head firmly and stating, "Only a scratch. Warg. Your Uncle looks worse, I assure you."

Her expression darkened and Fili sensed there was more she was not telling him. Before he could speak further D_i_s stepped away, calling for Bilbo and distracting herself with the Hobbit's ragged appearance.

"I almost thought you had abandoned us along with the Burglar."

Fili reluctantly turned to greet his Uncle, a flush of shame burning his ears crimson before he realized he had little reason for concern. Thorin's rebuke was gruff, but his eyes held a watery sheen Fili rarely witnessed save on the darkest nights when Kili was brought foremost to mind. He nodded with a twitch of a rueful smile, recognizing his Uncle's unspoken words.

_I thought you were dead. I believed that, save for my little sister, I had no more reason to return to Erebor than to reclaim an empty throne. I feared that, by my own arrogance, I had only led you to your death. Forgive me._

_No forgiveness is needed,_ Fili wanted to assure. What he managed to fumble instead was, "I ... don't suppose the ponies made it out alive?"

Thorin cast him a dour look as though to question his mental stability, and in an instant the awkwardness was past them. Fili breathed silently in relief and Thorin straightened his shoulders with a clipped and satisfied nod, his impenetrable mask once more in place. D_i_s had finished mothering Bilbo in the meantime, snapping at him to ensure he did not disturb the slice across his hand until Oin could bandage it properly. Her gaze was drawn to the rocks by a flutter of cloth, and with a startled exclamation she snatched a knife from her belt and brandished it in warning.

"Thorin, we have a visitor," she stated with deadly calm.

Fili's eyes widened and he darted forward, pushing his Mother's wrist aside and stepping in between her and the cowering shadow. D_i_s cast him a sharp look, demanding what had come over him. Fili's gaze was drawn to the slave, however, and he kicked himself for forgetting to introduce him sooner. The boy had frozen in place like a frightened deer, his mahogany eyes wild and frantic and his breath coming in shallow pants. His attention was rivetted on D_i_s' blade, but the moment Fili stepped into view the slave turned to him in gratitude, pleading for rescue.

"No, wait!" Bilbo called, moving to stand beside Fili and holding his hands out peaceably as Dwalin's axe glittered in the sunlight. "It's all right; he is not the enemy. We brought him here."

"You _what_?" Thorin's voice rose nearly to a shout as he glanced between Fili and the ragged, filthy creature that cringed against the stone barrier. Orcrist shone like a ray of fire in Thorin's hand and the slave cried out softly in dismay. He looked up at Fili in apprehension, tugging on the Dwarf's hand and trying to redirect his attention to the deadly Elvish blade.

"We saved his life," Fili spoke to Thorin, stepping back to better conceal the slave from the fierce glowers of distrust. "He showed us the way out - at the risk of his own life. We could not leave him there!"

"You brought him with you?" Thorin exclaimed in disbelief. "He could be in allegiance with the Goblins, and you brought him _here?_"

"He is no traitor!" Fili defended, astounded that his Uncle would voice such a claim. "He was a slave of the mines - he _helped_ us escape. What could he possibly gain for betraying us now?"

Anxious murmurs drifted through the company at the revelation. D_i_s gradually lowered her knife, her brow still furrowed in suspicion. "You brought a _slave_ here?" she questioned in a low tone.

Though his heart pounded like a hammer in his chest, Fili stood his ground. "I could not leave him there," he implored fervently. "I saved his life; I could not leave him in the darkness for the Goblins to find. They already hurt him enough, Mum; how could I abandon him to a worse fate?"

"So you brought him here." The statement was neither condemning nor accusing, but Fili sensed a tiredness in his Mother's words. Her eyes rose from the manacles binding the slave's hands to focus on his tremulous gaze, sympathy lancing across her features at the pitiful sight. With a sigh D_i_s pressed her hand against her forehead and swiped her hair from her face, taking a moment to unravel her thoughts.

"Thorin...?" D_i_s inquired, casting him a beseeching look fit to melt the coldest of hearts.

"No."

One word shook Fili to the core, and the ground seemed to drop out from under him as he stammered faintly, "W-what? But - he has nowhere to go! I promised I would look after him!"

"Listen to me, Fili," Thorin firmly, holding up a hand for silence. "He may have aided your escape, and for that I shall always be grateful ... but he has no place among our company."

"But - "

"He is a child of _Men_," Thorin insisted. _And I refuse to cast the inheritance of my forefathers before the avarice and greed of their kind. _He could not pass that knowledge on to his nephew, however; Fili would never understand.

"He had no knowledge of our quest or the dangers which will follow," Thorin continued in full honesty. "Orcs shall be considered the least of our troubles should we encounter the Dragon. Do you expect to drag a mere boy across the Mountains and to his death? His freedom would be useless to him; he might consider himself to have been better off as a slave."

It was a harsh statement for his nephew to comprehend, but Thorin spoke the truth. They could not expect a child to understand the importance of their quest, or to be willing to die if necessary to reclaim a home that was not his own. It was a burden Thorin would not force on the boy, for as a former slave he might consider the quest a matter of duty he was _expected _to fulfill whether or not he desired to follow them.

"But, what was I supposed to _do_?" Fili demanded in frustration. "I had to free him, Uncle! Look what they did to him! Look at his face, they...!"

He looked back to emphasize his point, only to slump in dejection as the slave lifted his gaze in horror and shook his head. The boy's cheek was pressed against the wall, his hand raised slightly as though he was prepared to conceal the mark should he be torn away from his sanctuary. The fear in his eyes was so tangible that Fili could not bear the thought of breaking his trust.

At that moment Bilbo decided to intercede. "Now, look here," he piped up, earning a raised eyebrow from Thorin for the Hobbit's breach of his usual timidity. "I know that you think absolutely _nothing_ should interfere with this quest of yours, and perhaps you're right; if we are to find the door by Durin's Day, then we have little time to lose.

"However..." he rebuked as Thorin started to interrupt, "... What is more important in the end? I mean let's face it; Fili almost _died_, and from the looks of things, the rest of you barely escaped with your lives as well. I expect that if any of your companions had been lost, you would have seen fit to hunt down this - this _Azog_ - and his followers one by one."

D_i_s' expression hardened and she assented with a clipped nod. Thorin made no response, his arms folded and his expression stern as he listened in grim silence. Emboldened by the attentiveness of those surrounding him, Bilbo posed,

"Why should _he_ be considered any different? I saw him kill a Goblin in the caverns, and - whether you choose to believe it or not - he was the one who saved Fili's life in the first place."

Fili jolted at the revelation, regarding the slave in a new light as he realized he, too, owed a life debt. The slave would not look in Fili's direction, however, his eyes welded shut as he awaited condemnation despite Bilbo's words of praise.

"All things considering, can you _really_ abandon him now, when he will certainly be recaptured and killed?" Bilbo's accusation cut straight to the point, his sound, nontransparent logic a dagger's edge shearing through Thorin's adamant defense.

"You cannot send him away," Fili implored his Uncle in a hushed tone. "He has _nowhere _to go. They'll only find him again, Uncle, and this time..." He swallowed hard, knowing what would surely happen and unable to voice his horror. "_Please_, Thorin; we _cannot _leave him here."

"You may not have to," Gandalf spoke up. He stepped between Thorin and Bilbo, his calm reasoning soothing the tides of anger before they could simmer to a raging conflict. "Not far from here is the home of one who goes by the name of Beorn. He has no allegiance with Goblin, Orc, Dwarf, or Man, but he is a generous host when he feels so inclined." With a note of finality Gandalf added, "He might have the answers we are looking for."

Thorin silently regarded Balin, seeking his advice. With a kindly smile the elder Dwarf considered, "It is only a day or two's journey from here. The lad will not suffer for our company in the meantime."

Of this Thorin was doubtful. The boy looked ready to fly into a full-fledged panic attack at any moment. He was curled in almost a fetal position against the stone barrier, his arms clapped over his head and his body quivering for fear. The merest hint of conflict seemed to be enough to induce a fit of terror, and Thorin suspected this display would not be the last. The boy seemed to have been bred and raised to cower. He would be no more than a hindrance on their journey, making his ordeal all the harsher for him to cope with. Fili could not seem to understand this, and thus Thorin was forced to make the decision for him.

The boy would not be permitted to accompany them any further. It would be kinder to leave him with this hermit as Gandalf hinted. As it was, until he was accustomed to his freedom and the presence of another living creature who intended him no harm, the boy would likely feel more secure with this Beorn. Better a life of solitude, if nothing else, than to be marched to his certain doom, where the threat of Orcs and Goblins paled in comparison to the thought of incineration by the Dragon.

"Very well, then," Thorin agreed in a grudging tone. "We move out now." He winced as he put his full weight on his right leg, cursing the Warg which had dealt him the blow. "Fili, see to it that he follows. Dwalin, take up the rear. _Dori. Try _not to lose the Burglar this time."

"While you are at it, tell that blasted Wizard to be more careful where he swings that Evlish blade of his!" Dori grouched. "I shall consider myself lucky if he does not cut off my head with Glamdring the next time a Goblin crosses my path!"

"What an absurd accusation," Gandalf grunted, innocently avoiding eye contact with the furious Dwarf.

Fili ignored the jibes and banter, the commotion drifting into the background as he knelt in the dust beside the slave and cautiously jostled his shoulder. "You are safe now," he assured. "I promise, no one here will harm you."

The light tread of D_i_s' boots scuffed the rocky surface, and the boy stiffened at her approach. Frantically he sought Fili's approval, his gaze flickering between the two Dwarrow as he pleaded to know whom he may trust. D_i_s' eyes softened and she paused mid-stride, dropping to her knees and sitting back a moment as the slave hastened to scramble away.

"It's all right," Fili began to reassure. D_is_ lifted the fingers of one hand to indicate she would handle this alone, and with an anxious swallow Fili complied and backed away. The slave cried out as his rescuer abandoned him, drawing back with a harsh whimper as the one with the knife inched closer.

"I will not hurt you," D_i_s promised in a soft, gentle voice. She raised her hand slowly, hushing and drawing back marginally when the boy flinched.

Kili pressed himself further against the cold stone of the boulder, his eyes never leaving the calloused hands that he knew would be accustomed to wielding an axe or sword without effort. Desperately he searched for Bilbo, an icy chill spiking through him when the Hobbit did not miraculously reappear to help him.

The gods help him, Kili longed for the darkness of the mines where he could hide away and escape these nightmarish visions which pressed in on all sides. He had half-believed the stranger - Fili, they said his name was - had been taking him to a place of refuge; to the family he said was looking for him. Instead Kili was surrounded by brutish warriors wielding swords and battleaxes almost his own size, and this time he had nowhere to run. Behind him was the sheer drop-off of the cliff; before him the malevolent glowers of the enemy.

A cry of terror was ripped from him and Kili collapsed to the ground, ducking his face into his knees and wrapping his arms securely around his head. He closed his eyes and tried not to panic, thinking of everything except the razor edged knife which could plunge into his unprotected back at any moment. Tender hands stroked through his hair and he shivered at the light touch, relaxing against his will and growing all the more fearful for that reason.

What did they want with him? They had made it clear he could not stay. Why did they not throw him over the cliff and be done with him? He could not _understand_! Kili trembled as the woman continued to run her hand through his hair, soft words flowing over him like the lilt of a brook carrying his worries far away. Unwittingly he leaned into her touch, starved for the affection yet unable to comprehend why he was no longer afraid. She could hurt him; cut off his hands with the axe in her belt; gouge out his eyes with her silver knife; slam her boots into him again and again until he could not breathe for the agony stabbing into his lungs. Why was he allowing himself to trust her?

_Because the other one let her come near._

Fili had said that anyone who wanted to harm Kili would have to get past _him _first. He would surely have held this "D_i_s" back with his swords if she wanted to hurt him. The woman's touch was gentle, though, and her kind words indicated nothing of the violence Kili anticipated. Something in her voice jolted a fragment of a dream that Kili _knew _he should remember...

_"Mum, Kili's sleeping in the kitten's bed again."_

_"But ith's cold! An she's sweepy an' I wanna sthay!" _

_It __**was**__ warm and cozy in the little wooden box that had been set up by the fire, and although black and white fur tickled his nose and made him sneeze Kili loved to bury his face in his kitty's soft fur. The fire snapped and danced in the hearth, so delightful and cheerful that Kili wanted to jump into the flames and dance along. Mummy had said no, though, and Kili decided he was going to stay in here and look sad and pitiful until she relented. He would only be here a few minutes, after all - he wasn't being naughty and hiding when he was supposed to go wash up for supper._

_The clang of pots and the waft of delicious smells from the kitchen accompanied the melodious voice he knew by heart. "Leave your brother alone, Fee - " _

The memory faded and Kili fumbled to hold together the shards, whimpering for loss as he failed to gather the lost strands. The image had been so _real_, so tangible and wonderful like a dream that had stepped beyond the borders of reality. He longed to return to its warm embrace and with a destitute sob he buried his head in his knees, wishing with all his heart that the image would come back.

"Thorin, give him a moment," D_i_s chided as though from a distance. "Can you not see that he is frightened? He only escaped captivity yesterday; he hardly knows where he is, let alone if he is safe with us."

"We cannot afford any more delays," Thorin sighed. "Are we to expect this manner of behavior every time one of us approaches?"

Guilt crashed over Kili in a physical wave and he cringed at the leader's words. Fili had called this one "Uncle," and the other one "Mum." He had taken Kili to his family, just as he had promised, and Kili was only becoming a burden to them. Why did he have to be so weak and _useless?_ Already the leader no longer wanted him around, and it was all Kili's fault. He had to pull himself together before they all decided he was too much trouble to keep around.

Blinking back tears, Kili forced himself to untangle and rise to his knees. "I - I'm s-sorry," he said tremulously, inwardly begging,_ Please, please don't send me away._ "I won't - won't lose it again, I'll..." He risked a glance at Thorin's towering form and shied away, leaning closer to D_i_s as she placed an arm around his shoulders protectively.

"I - I won't hold you back," Kili insisted in a fluster. "I'll c-catch up... I - I won't fall behind - Y-you won't even know I was there."

"No one is leaving you behind," Fili insisted, casting Thorin a glare. "I promised I would not abandon you, K - " He stopped himself only just in time, biting down on his lower lip as the forbidden word nearly leaped from his mouth.

The slave shot him a curious look, his eyes filled with uncertainty as he silently lisped a word, trying to place it. For an instant Fili recalled little Kili staring at one of Balin's scrolls, scrutinizing it until he was nearly cross-eyed from the effort of deciphering a sentence or two in the flowing script. A cold wave of anguish crushed his spirit and he could only offered a numbed smile of reassurance to the slave, leaving the boy to D_i_s' gentle guidance as he turned and followed after Thorin.

* * *

**Rest assured, Fili will find out about his brother soon. I wanted to get to that part earlier, but alas there was too much detail to add and I had to separate this into a two-part chapter. **

**The Mini-muse seems to think it is in Hawaii on vacation thanks to the recent burst of sunlight this week, so hopefully the Original Muse will take over for the next dramatic scene and help me finish chapter 6 as soon as possible. :) Feed it well, because without Mini-muse's help it will be working overtime. (Coffee is most welcome!)**


	6. Faded Memories

Only an hour's march was permitted before Oin declared the necessity of a halt. Thorin seethed at any delay, but his irritation was no match for the healer's, who proceeded to berate his leader soundly for pushing himself so hard with his manner of injuries. Before Thorin could voice his protest further Oin was busying himself re-dressing the gashing tooth marks which rent the leader's arm and leg. Fili observed the healer's work with fascinated horror, wondering what could possibly have taken place while he had been separated from the company. No one desired to speak of it, apparently, and with a sigh Fili determined to interrogate D_i_s once more.

"Mum?" he questioned softly, approaching with slow deliberation as he watched her fuss over the slave's torn, bleeding wrists. The boy flinched every time one of the company so much as twitched, his gaze shifting from the looming Dwalin, to Bifur, to another "viable threat" until his eyes inevitably lit on Thorin and he hastily focused his attention on the ground at his feet.

Fili sighed at the pitiable sight, lowering himself to sit cross-legged on the ground as he watched his Mother tend to the more prominent of the slave's wounds.

"I told Oin to see to this as soon as he is finished with Thorin," D_i_s addressed her son with a sigh, gingerly rubbing a dampened scrap of cloth against the caked blood and infection encrusting the slave's manacled hands. She glanced at the boy's worried expression and offered a worn smile. "He is being very brave right now," she encouraged, only half speaking to Fili.

The lad hung on her every word, drinking in her voice as though starved for the simplest manner of encouragement. He had likely experienced nothing but harsh orders and curses since his capture, after all, and Fili wondered when was the last time a kind word had been spoken in the boy's vicinity. He wished they were home in the Blue Mountains, safely enclosed in a comforting environment where the former slave could _really_ understand what it was like to be welcomed and loved. It was almost as though D_i_s had adopted the insecure lad already, and Fili dreaded the thought of leaving him behind with a stranger.

_'He belongs __**here**__, with us!'_ he wanted to shout.

"See the tallest one over there?" D_i_s explained to the boy, excitement lacing her tone as she tried to ease his trepidation, "That is Dwalin. He is not so intimidating as he appears to be." In a conspiratory whisper she added, "He is soft at heart, believe me. I think he is more afraid of you right now than you are of him - he worries that he will frighten you away if he comes too near."

Pointing towards Bifur, D_i_s muffled a chuckle. "He looks wild, I know, but he is one of the sweetest, gentlest members of our company. He will listen to anything you say, no matter how silly or frustrated you feel, and you will know that your secrets are safe with him."

The slave gulped and nodded, his sharp gasps for breath scarcely under control as he strained to focus on D_i_s' introductions despite the haze of panic overwhelming him. He hissed in pain as D_i_s carefully slid a thorn from the sole of his foot, and he lowered his head to hide the tears of weakness that trickled down his cheeks.

"Shhh," D_i_s hushed, running a hand through the boy's hair and tucking the ratted strands back behind his ear. His eyes widened as he gasped and jerked away from her hold, but the damage was already done. D_i_s drew in a sharp breath and held the boy's face in her hands, running her thumb over the jagged scar and mouthing a curse as he flushed crimson in shame.

"What did they do to you?" she whispered, tilting the slave's chin up so that he would meet her gaze.

Tears streamed freely down Kili's face and he pressed his cheek against her palm to hide his disgrace. He could not bear to look up and see the revulsion in D_i_s' eyes, and a choked sob escaped him as he listened for her to shout in disgust and cast him away.

"No, no ... It's all right," D_i_s was quick to hush, alarm filling her as she pulled back her hand and allowed the slave's tangled hair to fall back into place. He instantly pulled his knees up and buried his head in his arms, wracking gasps shuddering through him as he waited for judgement.

Durin help them all, the boy had been branded. Wicked, cruel strokes of a red hot knife had etched a hideous mark, spanning the left side of his face from just under his eye to the base of his jaw. D_i_s could not recognize the Goblin symbol, but it was clear the boy knew its meaning well. Compassion filled her heart and she drew him close, running her fingers through his tattered hair and blinking back tears of her own when he collapsed willingly into her embrace, clinging to her like a child and burying his head into her shoulder.

"Hush, it is over now," she whispered. "They shall not hurt you again."

As he wailed softly the notes of an old lullaby rose within her, accompanying the pain of a long buried memory. _I know you,_ her heart seemed to shout. _I have held you before; comforted you when you were lost; wiped your tears when you cried; gathered you close when you screamed for the pain._

"Does he have a name?"

Thorin's stance was exhausted, his stubborn will leading him forward despite Oin's strict orders that he allow his leg to rest for the remainder of the day. His stoic mask had slipped free, the memory of another lost one filling his eyes with regret as he regarded the freed slave with concern.

The boy shrank back at his approach, however, a wall shuttering over his gaze and morphing vulnerability into impassivity as he tried to pull away. D_i_s would not relinquish her hold and the slave fell back with a stifled whimper, attempting to quench his outward fear as long as the leader's sight was focused on him.

"What is your name, boy?" Thorin asked quietly, his brusque personality refusing the genial mannerism he would have liked to portray.

The boy stuttered mutely, tongue-tied over such a simple request. He forced out a guttural word, his eye dropping in mortification as the repulsive syllables dropped from his lips. It was no term of Man, Dwarf or Elf that he spoke, but a deplorable phrase spoken by an equally abhorrent race. Thorin's gaze darkened and he winced as he realized what crude and effective circumstances had been wrought to slowly break down the lad's spirit and forge him into a mere shadow of a human being.

Taking Thorin's furious silence as an indication of the wrong answer, Kili wracked his memories of all the derisive taunts flung his way. Stammering frantically, he began listing every possible term that came to mind. Each detestable, wretched name only seemed to anger the leader further. No answer was suitable for him, and terror coursed through Kili as Thorin's hand clenched around his sword hilt. He threw out every last word he could think of, from the Goblins' mere title of 'Slave' to the most dreadful slander he could contrive, his panic rising as nothing seemed good enough to satisfy Thorin.

An oppressive silence stilled all conversation and the other Dwarrow stared at Kili with mingled horror and pity. Not even Bilbo rose to stand between him and imminent death, and Kili burst into tears as he realized that even Fili was watching him with growing disgust.

"Thorin, stop this! You are only frightening him!"

Shaking himself out of his daze, Thorin cleared his thoughts and stepped back in despair at what he had unintentionally brought about. The slave rocked back and forth in D_i_s arms, tremors convulsing through his thin frame as he no doubt braced himself for the punishment for a crime he did not understand. Such was Thorin's anger against the Goblins for the miserable, cowering shadow they had carved out of another living creature, that he had unwittingly made it seem as though his anger was directed at that very slave Fili had freed from their clutches. Thorin pressed a hand against his brow in agitation and stepped back another pace, looking to D_i_s with apologetic horror at what he had done.

"I - I did not intend to ..."

"Go get Oin," D_i_s replied curtly.

Her gaze was hardened and unforgiving, for though Thorin's reaction had been sheer accident the damage was irreparable. The feeling of being dismissed like a foolish child was foreign to Thorin and anger flashed across his expression in a wave of pride as he turned on his heel and limped away. He gave a swift nod to Oin and sat down with a grunt, not straying far from the small huddled group but unable to meet his sister's gaze. He could not rectify his mistake now, and he threw a handful of brier into the fire in disgust as he listened to D_i_s' repeated attempts to calm the boy's frantic breathing.

"_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" _the slave gasped, barely aware of his surroundings.

He shouted in terror when Oin drew near and writhed in D_i_s' hold. It appeared he did not even recognize the purpose of a healer, no doubt assuming in his terror that Oin had been sent to torture him. Despite his numerous wounds and severe malnutrition he still managed to put up a fight, kicking out at the elder Dwarf when his arms were restrained and yelling incoherently for Fili.

Such was the violence of the slave's reaction that the horrific display seemed to drag for hours, though it was mere seconds before Fili bounded to his feet and slid to the lad's side, taking the boy's face in his hands and calling fervently,

"It's all right! I'm here! I promise, I will not let them harm you!"

Instantly the lad quieted with a muted whimper, coal dark eyes searching Fili's for any sign of dishonesty before he fell back against the Dwarf's shoulder, clinging to his benefactor as tears of relief streamed down his face anew.

"You're fine," Fili reassured, glancing back to Oin and giving a quick nod. He carefully shifted the boy's head so that he would not have to see the healer at work. "I need you to be quiet now, do you understand? No one is going to hurt you. I need you to calm down and listen to me."

With a gulping hiccup the slave nodded, swallowing down his paranoia and falling limp in Fili's grasp. Whatever hypnotic influence had guided the boy to trust Fili so implicitly Thorin could not gather, but he was never more grateful for his nephew's gentle and protective nature. He did not know what would have transpired if Fili had not been there to quiet the slave's hysterics.

"I need you to let Oin see to your wounds," Fili continued to instruct quietly as the boy's lingering sobs slowed to the occasional shiver. "It might hurt a little, but he is trying to _help_ you, not make it worse. Can you let him see to your feet, at least?"

Reluctantly, his eyes filled with dread, the boy stretched his legs out and allowed the healer to see the bruised, swollen lumps of flesh which had not touched anything but jagged mountain rock for uncountable years. D_i_s hissed and clacked her tongue in sympathy at the damage. A jagged rent split the bottom of the slave's left foot and branched between the first and second toes, the surrounding flesh red and inflamed from infection. Pus beaded out from the slightest pressure of Oin's thumb, and the healer frowned deeply at the sight of the grisly wound.

"You should have spoken to me of this earlier," he chided D_i_s, shaking his head gravely. "He should not have been allowed to walk any further in his condition."

Smaller gashes sliced through the soles of the boy's feet, some angry looking and filled with debris, others only grazing the tender skin below the thick callouses built over years of clambering around rough stone. Bruises peppered the skin until the slave's feet were almost blackened. A dip in the right foot indicated where the bones had been broken and healed improperly, while the left sported a bluish purple lump the size of an egg where a fallen stone had no doubt administered a similar wound. Scars crossed over one another until they formed a thatch of white and red marks, old burns and gouges mingling into a single mass of mutilated flesh.

Oin could tell at a glance that these were not the feet of one who had slaved in the mines for five, or even ten years. To earn so many horrendous scars, the boy would have had to have been trapped for decades.

"This is no human lad," Oin murmured, regarding the slave in a new light. "He is a Dwarf."

Fili startled at the revelation, gaping a moment before challenging, "I beg your pardon, did you just say ..."

"Look at his hands," Oin indicated, nodding somberly as the physical qualities aligned with his diagnosis. "Too large for a child of Men. He might be closer to your age, Fili."

The slave peeked out from the curtain of hair concealing his features, meeting Oin's gaze with alarmed curiosity. Maintaining a level and nonthreatening tone, Oin questioned, "Is this true, lad?"

Hastily the slave looked away. "I - I d-don't know..." His voice stuttered and faded, and he ducked to hide against Fili once more.

Thorin watched the proceedings in a daze, feeling as though the weight of Aulë's hammer had struck him between the shoulders. A horrible suspicion arose and he instantly bolted the doors of his mind against it.

_No._ It was not _him_. It would never be _him_. Kili was dead, and after what he had seen Thorin accepted that his nephew was better off where he was, resting in peace in the Mansions of Aulë until their time ended and he was reunited with his family once more. This wretched, tormented creature was nothing like the curious, light-hearted child of laughter Thorin remembered, and he refused to couple Kili's memory with this pitiable shell of a life.

A burst of starlit wonder glittered in D_i_s' eyes, however, and Thorin shook his head marginally, unwilling to see the frail hope she entertained crush her passionate spirit into empty fragments of shattered dreams. Not daring to believe herself, D_i_s tentatively reached a hand forward and just as hesitantly drew back.

Thorin could almost read the thoughts running through her mind. _He could be __**my**__ child. __**My **__son with his midnight eyes and ringlets of dark hair. __**My**__ little Kili, returned from the dead._

He had told her Kili's body had never been found, and for this cause Thorin housed only regret. He knew the truth of the matter. Not long after Kili's capture he had discovered the grotesque remains of a Dwarf child, the bones sucked clean and scattered across the Goblin's camp. On the outskirts near the fires he found the confirmation he had been dreading: a single braid of soft dark hair, soaked in blood where it had been hacked away from the scalp. Woven into the chestnut strands was a small silver bead; the very kind D_i_s had threaded into her son's hair the morning he had been taken.

In that moment Thorin knew he would never have reason to smile again. He had been too late to rescue his sister's youngest; her manifestation of laughter and song. He had failed them all, and for this Thorin would never forgive himself. He had come too late, and he had lost his most precious treasure.

Thorin had never told D_i_s what he had found. It would have broken her heart and haunted her for the rest of her life. He lied to her, telling her that there was no sign of the missing child. That night he and Dwalin gathered the bones and buried them properly, the tomb in the rock unmarked save for the symbol of Durin above the entrance. For years Thorin endured D_i_s' frantic pleading that they search once more for any sign that Kili could have escaped, embarking on one hopeless quest after another and knowing he would find nothing to grant his sister peace of mind. The years drifted into decades and D_i_s' hope crumbled into mourning, and still Thorin hesitated to speak.

He wished now that he had told her the truth while he'd had the chance.

"I will need more supplies for these," Oin shook his head, tutting in sympathy at the damage done to the slave's feet. He rose stiffly, declaring, "I shall do what I can with what I have left. Perhaps I can find the herbs I need to create a poultice to reduce the infection.

"Bilbo," Oin called over his shoulder, waving for the Hobbit to approach. "I gather that Hobbits know something of herbs and the recognition? I shall need your assistance in a moment. The rest of you; see to it the fire is well stocked." Under his breath he muttered, "Of all times to lose Bofur's cooking pot... I need hot water!"

"Beorn will have other supplies you might need," Gandalf offered. "It is still a day's journey away, but if we move swiftly we should reach his carrock before nightfall tomorrow..."

"No time," Oin shook his head grimly. "He has had wounds like these before ... I could tell by the manner in which they were treated. If I do not take care of this now I may have to amputate later." He hesitated a moment, murmuring for Gandalf's ears alone, "See to it that my knife is hot on the coals when I return." He sighed as he foretold, "Now more than ever I wish I had not lost my healing draughts in the caverns. The process will not be easy for him."

"I will do what I can," Gandalf assured. He had not the skills of Radaghast, but to an extent he could ease the boy's pain and turmoil during the surgery. Oin nodded in gratitude and strode away, instructing Bilbo in the herbs to search for as they left.

The excitement past for the time being, Fili breathed deeply in relief and rose to his feet. The slave gasped slightly and grabbed his sleeve, silently begging that he would not go far. Fili sighed in resignation and nodded, not wishing to discourage the slave but still wishing for a moment to himself so that he could think. As if sensing his reluctance the boy hunkered into himself, wrapping his arms securely around his raised knees and watching the camp movement with furtive, traumatized eyes that housed no secret of his insecurities.

D_i_s patted Fili's shoulder in assurance and settled down behind the slave, pausing when the boy stiffened and waiting until he relaxed marginally before she drew his knotted hair back over his shoulders. For an instant the slave yelped and swerved away, panic in his eyes as he clutched the matted strands.

"I am not going to cut it," D_i_s assured, holding forth a dulled silver comb that had miraculously escaped the Goblin's plundering. "Will you let me untangle it for you?"

Eyeing the comb with distrust, the slave nonetheless turned to face forward and allowed D_i_s to gather his hair once more. He fidgeted and twitched under her administrations, rolling his shoulders in obvious discomfort at a concept that was foreign to him. D_i_s hummed softly as she worked, starting with the very end of the boy's hair and slowly untangling the ratted nest it had become.

Against his will Kili found himself relaxing, the tune of a strange lullaby pulling him to the verges of sleep as D_i_s gently pulled the curious metal object through his hair. He did not know why it was so important to him, but he did not want her to _touch it_. A vague memory assaulted him:

_Goblin's hands holding him by the throat, severing his hair (too short!) until blood ran down the gore stained knife. Pain lancing across his scalp, crimson filling his vision as he screamed and writhed in their hold. Strands of stubble, prickly and so horribly wrong against his searching hands, a single lock of hair left to him which he cherished until one of the larger children tore it out by the roots. _

_The older boy missed the glint of silver tumbling from the tiny braid, but Kili did not. Half blinded by the scrabbling kicks and punches of the other children as they fought for the meager scraps of foul meat and hardened crusts thrown into their prison, he felt along the miry floor until a tiny silver bead rested safely in the palm of his hand. It was __**his.**__ His and no one else's. They would never take it away. _

Kili breathed deeply at the memory and curled his fingers around the small trinket buried deeply in a pocket one of the female slaves had sewn for him before she disappeared for good. He did not even know what significance the bead held for him any more. It was melted on one side where he had dropped it in the forges and nearly lost his hand trying to get it back, but the markings on the unblemished side were foreign to him. Perhaps it was a lost token of his past. Maybe he had stolen it after its true owner mislaid the dulled metal piece. All Kili knew was that it was _his. _Slaves owned no possessions of their own - even the scraps of clothing they wore could be forfeit to those who though it worth dying for - but this tarnished scrap of silver was _his_, and not even the Goblins with their insatiable greed for precious metals had been able to steal it from him.

"You remind me of my own boy," D_i_s ventured softly, piercing through Kili's thoughts as she threaded apart a few tangles with her fingers and raised her comb to the next snag.

The process was strangely calming, and Kili found himself relaxing despite the race of his muddled thoughts. Sleep pulled at him and he abruptly straightened, shaking free of his lethargy and digging his chipped and raw fingernails into his palms until blood was drawn. He could not fall asleep; not yet. He knew the rules.

_Not until they give you permission._ The gods help him, he was so _tired_. He had missed last night's rest period in his harried escape, and Kili did not know when the leader would allow him another opportunity to sleep. With a keen in the back of his throat Kili wondered how long it would be until he was permitted to close his eyes.

"He would have been seventy-seven this summer," D_i_s' murmured, her hands pausing as she was lost in thought. "Five years apart from his brother, and yet from the moment he could walk they were never separated."

She smiled sadly and continued her work, picking at a savage knot and surreptitiously sliding her knife across the tearing strands while the slave's mind was distracted elsewhere. A small pile of identical snags rested in her lap and she idly tossed them behind her where the boy could not see. A true Dwarf at heart in spite of his years of slavery, he still recognized the pride and heritage of his long tresses. He would be mortified to know how much was slipping free under D_i_s' razor thin blade.

"He was lost to me a long time ago," D_i_s continued, tears sparking her eyes at the image of a young, raucous child running carelessly down the sunlit cobbled lane. "The Goblins took him away."

The boy stilled abruptly under her touch and D_i_s scarcely dared to breathe. "My little Kili," she whispered for his ears alone. "Will you never come back to me?"

Kili sucked in a breath and whirled at the use of his name. _His_ name. The one known only to himself. He did not even recognize her, and yet somehow she _knew _who he was. Misty eyes of pale blue clashed with the dark orbs of a skittish animal, and a thrill of anticipation trickled past the barriers of fear as Kili _begged_ for this fantasy to be true.

"M-M-Mom?"

Fili staggered a moment and spun on his heel, ice blue eyes dilated in shock as the blood drained from his face. Thorin's face was stricken as he staggered to his feet.

"D_i_s, _no_...!"

Kili's gaze was focused only on D_i_s' wistful, pleading expression, however, a ripple of excitement and unease shuddering through him as he _remembered_. Perhaps it was the whispers of a lullaby teasing on the edge of his dreams, or the remnant of a vision that called him to the forgotten treasures of his past. Perhaps it was the image of deep blue eyes sparkling with warmth and love as he was scooped up and held tight, cared for and _wanted_ like he had always belonged.

_"Mum, Kili's sleeping in the kitten's bed again."_

_"But ith's cold! An she's sweepy an' I wanna sthay!" _

_"Leave your brother alone, Fili. He can stay with the cat if he likes."_

_Tousled__ blonde hair spilled onto the floor as Fili twisted upside-down to look inside. Kili hissed like he had seen Mewy do, growling deep in his throat and batting one "paw" at his brother. Fili's brow furrowed and he watched Kili thoughtfully for a moment before announcing, _

_"Mum, I think Mewy had a kitten."_

_The clattering in the kitchen halted momentarily before D_i_s answered warily, "She is only a few months old, Fili ... She is far too young for kittens." After another pause she questioned in alarm, "Are you saying a__**nother**__ one crawled in there?"_

_"Yes," Fili chirped with a wise nod. "He's brown and green and he has black eyes, and his fur is covered in dry leaves 'cause he was playing in the woodbox again."_

_Kili hissed and drew back in disgust. The traitor._

_D_i_s laughed at the statement, the light tread on the floorboards heralding her approach. She bent to look into the box, chuckling as Kili ducked into the blanket and mewled pitifully. "Well, then; would the little kitten and his brother like to wash up for supper before it gets cold? The neighbor brought over some milk this morning..."_

_Milk was a rare treat during the winter, when most of the cows and goats ceased to offer the creamy liquid until they gave birth in the spring. No further bribe was necessary and Kili bounded into his Mother's arms, winding his arms around her neck and resting his grimy head against her cheek. _

_"Mummy," he piped up in worry, voicing a thought that had been plaguing him for some time, "Mewy doesn't haff a Momma, an' she's all 'lone all the time. Why did her Mummy go'way?"_

_D_i_s brow furrowed at the odd question. Kili was a sensitive child in every aspect, caring for the thoughts and feelings of even the smallest animals. The mere idea that the kittens were taken away from their Mother as soon as they were weaned would surely break his little heart. "Well... kittens grow up faster than you and Fili," D_i_s considered vaguely. "I suppose she was old enough to leave her Mother and have adventures of her own."_

_"But she mi-thes her!" Kili cried out, his eyes great wells of tears as he thought about his poor kitty calling out for him late at night when she was lonely. "Why won't her Mummy come back?"_

_D_i_s struggled for an answer that would comfort him, but she had seen too much tragedy to lie to her youngest. "Maybe she cannot," she sighed, knowing it would tear Kili apart to understand._

_Revelation dawned and Kili's lower lip trembled as he remembered a scruffy little puppy nosing the still-warm corpse of its parent that had been struck by a rampaging wagon. Someone with stern blue eyes and dark hair had pulled him away before he could look too close, but Kili had __**known **what had happened__. Tears flooded his eyes as he realized that Mewy was all alone and her Mummy would never return for her._

_"We hafta take care of her," he insisted vehemently. "You'll be her Mummy now, wight? An' she won't mi-th her Mummy ath much because she'll be adopt-teded."_

_"Of course," D_i_s responded amiably. Anything to calm her son's frantic empathy and stave off an emotional break-down._

_Worry struck Kili anew and his lower lip trembled as he questioned reluctantly, "Mummy... will you evah go'way?"_

_D_i_s had witnessed too many deaths to lie to her son and give him the illusion she would live forever - or at least for the extent of his childhood, before he was old enough to understand the ending of life. Even so, she could not offer him the stark truth; that his world was not as secure as he thought, and death could unexpectedly claim any one of them in a single moment. _

_"I shall never leave you," she promised willingly, for in this matter she believed herself to speak the truth. "Even if you can no longer see me, I shall always be watching over you."_

_"Even if you go'way?" Kili prodded._

_"Even then," D_i_s nodded._

_Kili was not satisfied, however. "Even if __**I**__ go'way?" he pressed earnestly._

_Words failed her and D_i_s could not even consider the possibility. She held Kili closer, pressing his head against her shoulder and rocking him as a sudden premonition seized her with dread. _

_"I will __**never **__leave you," she whispered, banishing the horrid thought from her mind. She knew that the simple question would send her running to check on her little one for many nights to come._

_Little did she realize how crucial those words would be to her son years later, however, the ringing of hammers and the rumbling of falling slabs of rock drowned out the sound of her voice in his mind; when the darkness seeped into every memory and stole away the warmth and light of every good thing; when 'kindness' and 'sympathy' were rendered as tools for bribery and betrayal; when the remnants of home and a family's love became nothing more than a dream conjured from the recesses of the past._

When nothing more had remained to Kili, those words held true. The sense that someone out there was waiting for him to return, that someone actually _cared_ about what happened to him, kept him alive and hoping and praying for release even as the decades passed and there seemed no end to his torment. Now, long after her image had faded from his mind and Kili thought he was surely lost and abandoned, he had found the one who had given him the courage to hold on.

Tears spilled from Kili's eyes at the overwhelming realization that she still _wanted_ him in spite of what he had become. He was a useless, broken tool that bore the slashed mark of the deepest shame, and she had not cast him away. She had touched his filthy, horrid face with her clean hands and did not sneer in repulsion at his scar. She had smoothed his hair with her beautiful comb instead of giving up in disgust and hacking it all away. She did not call him slave, or _filth,_ or any of the derisive terms that had been cast at him every day of his life. She had called him _Kili_, the name he thought might only be a figment of his imagination, proving he was once someone's precious one. Even more so, she told him he _belonged to her, _and she was not ashamed to call him her own.

A sob was torn from him and he collapsed in a fit of weeping, and it was his _Mother's_ arms that surrounded him and held him tight.

"M-Mom!" Kili stuttered, clinging to her arm as though she would vanish at any moment and he would be alone. "_M-Mom! Mom!"_

"I'm here, sweetie, I'm here!" D_is_ choked in a high voice, tears breaking her words as she bent to rest her cheek to on Kili's head and stroked his hair away from his face.

Shuddering sobs coursed through her and she knew she would never let go of him. _This_ was her little boy. This lost, destitute child who had suffered so much torment was _her_ son. In the midst of her sorrow Mahal had granted her mercy and returned her precious youngest, and D_i_s would never let him out of her sight again. How she longed to erase the horrors of Kili's past and fill the empty space with her own memories of the light and joy of her early years in Erebor. That gift was not hers to grant, however, and all she could do was show her son the love he had been denied for so long, hoping that the scars on his heart would eventually fade. How much had he endured; her littlest one; her Kili? D_i_s would have offered her entire world to heal the raw wounds in his ravaged soul.

"Kee... Kili?" Fili did not dare look away for the fear that the image would disappear before his eyes. He dared not hope that this could be his missing little brother, and yet as the muted coals of _Kili's _eyes turned to him he could not hold back the rushing tidal wave of belief.

The slightest smile lit up Kili's face just before he bit his lip, his dampened eyes cast down in the foreknowledge that Fili might now turn him away as he realized how truly pathetic his brother had become. Anguish lanced through Fili's heart as he realized how close he had been to his brother this whole time without realizing it. Worse still was the revelation that Kili still anticipated that his own family would regard him as nothing more than a useless slave, worthy of neither their time nor attention. The knowledge broke Fili's heart as he realized how low Kili had fallen compared to the bright, joyous child he had once known.

_I did this to you,_ Fili thought as he looked into the deadened, hopeless gaze of one he thought he would never see again. _I let them take you away, and now I still do not know if I shall ever get my little brother back._

Kili had been found, and yet in a way he was still lost to them. Fili did not know if he would ever see a spark of the exhilaration replace the terror in his brother's eyes, or hear Kili's former peals of laughter replace the sobs of pain.

_I'm so, so sorry!_ He wanted to beg for Kili's forgiveness, to fall to his knees and grovel in the dust until his crimes were atoned for and the agonizing guilt was purged from his mind. His petty apologies would never take the wretchedness from Kili's eyes, however. Somehow Fili sensed that no matter what self-condemnation he knew he deserved, his brother would refuse to blame him for what had happened.

Fili hesitated to approach his brother nonetheless, fearing his rejection yet unable to stay away. Crossing the divide between them with such desperate insecurity that Fili's uncertainty appeared bold in comparison, Kili called in a tiny voice, "F-Fee?"

A sob broke free and Fili knelt and held out his hand to his brother, almost losing control when Kili lunged forward and grasped his brother's wrist in his free hand. His scarred, twisted fingers wrapped around Fili's gauntlet like a vice as he demanded the truth with his gaze.

_You're __**him**__. You're not going to leave me. You won't throw me away because I'm useless. You won't abandon me because I'm pathetic. You're really __**him**__, and you'll never let me go now that you've found me. I don't want to go, but I can see that even if I did run away you would hunt me down again and bring me back home again, and by this I know that you really want me to stay. _

He could hold back no longer and with a stricken cry Fili wrapped his arms around his brother's neck, trapping Kili in a near choke hold between his newly discovered family. For a moment Kili gaped and struggled, before instinct shut down into relief and he pressed his forehead against Fili's with a sob.

Surely this was no dream. Kili dreaded waking up if it were so, for never before had anyone - Goblin or slave - accepted him as one of their own. To protect, to guide and to keep, to hold fast with a bond stronger than physical force so that he should never desire to escape even if he had the opportunity. This was a moment that his most treasured illusions could not compare to, and Kili never wanted it to end.

All dreams shatter at one point, however, and the wakening is all the more cold and dismal for their loss. As he saw the leader rise from his position near the fire Kili's lungs refused to cooperate and he froze in place, unable to breathe. Apprehension snuffed out the light in his eyes and he shrunk down in timid obedience, waiting for the condemning order for him to be thrown back to the darkness where he would trouble them no longer.

He did not notice the tears glimmering in Thorin's eyes, nor the pensive hesitancy of one who longs to believe what he sees before him, but cannot accept it for the blatant truth which denies all other alternatives. Anguish twisted Thorin's expression as he recognized the burst of fear in Kili's eyes. How he had lost any chance of the boy's trust he did not know, but he berated himself for the temper that always seemed to break free when he least anticipated it.

Whether or not the boy would continue to be frightened of him was not the foremost thought on Thorin's mind, however. He _had _to know for certain if this was truly Kili, or if it was only a clever hoax on a slave's part to earn his place in a family he had no part in. There was no birthmark or unique feature Thorin could use to identify the boy, but there was one slim chance he could determine if this really was the child he thought had been slain in a Goblin camp years before.

Whimpering anxiously, the lad attempted to wriggle free and retreat to safety as Thorin drew near. D_i_s hushed him with a word, whispering something in his ear to calm his apprehension. Thorin caught the words, "Brother" and "Uncle" and "Safe," yet for all D_i_s' efforts the wild look did not leave the boy's eyes as he regarded Thorin with barely concealed dread.

Thorin had no words of solace to offer, and though he tried to soften his expression the boy still flinched as he carefully slid back the thick, chestnut hair. D_i_s shot him a questioning look to which Thorin offered no answer, his gaze dark with foreboding as he sought any manner of mark to prove he was wrong.

For a moment he knew his search was futile. Hope was dead, and the only son D_i_s held was a brilliant impostor who had wormed his way into her heart. As Thorin threaded aside another handful of the dark tangles, however, the boy gasped and moved away, and in that instant he found what he was looking for.

In one small patch of the boy's scalp the hair grew sparser, the skin below it scarred white as ash where a section of the of skin had been crudely stripped away. It appeared larger than the actual wound would have been, for the years of growth would have stretched the scar out of proportion, but Thorin could surmise at a glance that the amount torn away would have been equivalent to a handful of a child's torn locks.

Unfathomable wonder and awe filled him and Thorin did not hold back the tears that sprang to his eyes. "Kili..." he whispered, the burden of decades falling off his shoulders as he reached out and turned the boy's chin to confirm the burnished coals he remembered from the lad's father. "It really is you."

Kili watched him in baited silence for a moment, his expression guarded and eerily controlled. "You're not _him,_" he whispered, defiance flickering across his gaze for the briefest moment. As quickly as it appeared the rebellion vanished and panic once more filled Kili's eyes as he cringed and hid his face in D_i_s' shoulder.

"I'm sorry!" he whispered, sucking in a breath when Thorin shifted in dismay.

Horrified, Thorin and D_i_s exchanged a look of bafflement at Kili's reaction. Fili reached forward and gently shook Kili's shoulder, asking in confusion,

"What are you talking about, Kili? It's Uncle Thorin, don't you see?"

"Not him," Kili hissed in a frantic pitch. "N-not hi - ... N-no - no, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I d-didn't mean - "

Instantly he crumbled into hysterics, and from that point nothing but incoherent babbling could be gleaned from him. With a sorrowful shake of her head D_i_s was forced to request that Thorin leave. The weight upon his heart doubled, Thorin's shoulders slumped as he backed away from the trio - from _Kili_. His own nephew; the one whom he had guarded with his life until that fateful day; the one who had taken with him the life and joy of their family; the one who returned it in broken shards of relief and ecstasy.

The one who had crushed Thorin's hope for redemption with a three small words.

_"It's not him."_

He understood their hidden meaning.

_I don't trust you. Whoever you are, you're not the one you claim to be. I will accept __**them**__, but you I will shun even if you punish me for my insolence. I don't care what they say; I don't trust that you won't hurt me. I don't want you to come near._

Rejection. A bitter blow that left him reeling and desolate, empty of all feeling save the agony that curdled within him. Were it not for Dwalin's guidance Thorin would never have made it back to his position by the fire without stumbling into the burning logs. He stared unseeing into the flames, comprehending nothing save the image of Kili's anguished, traumatized gaze as he first banished Thorin from his presence and then pleaded forgiveness - not for the sake of reconciliation, but for mercy.

_Have I been so harsh as to cause him to despise me, and then fear retribution for his hate?_

No answer would ease the turmoil that threatened to drive him mad. His head bowed, Thorin rested his forehead against his palm and willed the nightmare to pass. What had he done wrong, to learn of his nephew's survival and then earn his loathing in the same day? What petty mistakes could not be taken back? What rash words could not be retraced and amended?

_He has been found, and yet Kili is still lost to me._

Too much sorrow weighed upon his heart, only compiling upon the injuries he had been dealt in his defeat at the hands of the Pale Orc. His eyes damp with grief and his spirit burdened with the adversity none should bear, Thorin gave in to his despondency and allowed the darkness to claim him.

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**Mini-muse has returned with the clouds (complete with a new pair of sunglasses and a mini beach recliner and parasol) and promises to assist with the next chapter as soon as it catches up on all the reviews it wants to read from the last chapter.**

**Meanwhile, the Original Muse gulps down all the coffee. Having worked overtime the past four days to finish this particular arc, it needs all the help it can get.**

**For those wondering, Kili does have his reasons for avoiding Thorin. He has only recovered a few of his memories so far, and these regard only Fili and D_i_s. Kili has some ways to go before he can trust that Thorin is really his Uncle and not another taskmaster. **


	7. Hope and Betrayal

**The Original Muse did it again! I had to split a chapter in two because the sneaky little thing wanted more emotional drama than I intended to put in. Thrice-confounded Muses never cooperate. Oh, well. Enjoy the chapter and feed the Muses! **

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Tantalizing smells of crisped meat and dripping juices teased him, driving Kili mad with hunger. His stomach clenched at the thought of the tender, fat coney roasting over the snapping fire, and he hid his face under his arm to conceal his yearning. Waves of starved longing left him light headed and dizzy, but Kili knew his place. He could not appear too desperate. They would laugh at his weakness and hold back the savory morsels, tearing away pieces and throwing them into the fire until he begged to have a mouthful. Perhaps if he was plaintive enough they would give him a few scraps that no one wanted, but Kili knew better than to ask. They had already been too gracious; he could not risk stepping outside his boundaries again and losing that fragile acceptance.

Attempting to distract himself from the gnawing pain in his gut, Kili cautiously lifted his arm to touch a hand to his hair, letting the smooth strands slip through his fingers and marveling at the silky feel. No blood clumped in knots where the rats had bitten and clawed, attempting to burrow inside his hair and escape the filthy hands of another who snapped the rodents' spines and devoured them raw. No spiders crawled from the recesses and nipped his fingers as they had when he bound the dirty mat back with a scrap of cloth to prevent it catching fire in the forges. The locks were dull and limp, colorless under layers of grime and ugly in comparison to the lustrous tresses of those around him, yet Kili held his breath in wonder at the parted strands.

They had been so kind to him, and Kili knew he did not deserve their compassion. He was nothing more than a useless wretch, banished to the darkest caverns where he would eventually die; unnamed, unwanted, and utterly alone. Yet they had called him family - brother - _son_. They _wanted_ him, and Kili could not understand why. He was weak and he was disobedient, and he could not even pretend to be brave. He was already delaying them because of his injuries, and now he could not even control his hunger when he _knew_ they could not spare the most unfit scraps for a cowardly runt like himself. He was only a burden to them; he did not deserve their kindness.

In spite of it all, they had not abandoned him - _yet_. Kili had the impression it was because the leader was still exhausted and wounded, and they would not move on without him. He watched as D_i_s - _Mother_ - knelt by Thorin's side and observed him carefully for a moment, squeezing her brother's shoulder and kissing his cheek fondly before moving away. Fili was asleep several feet from the fire, but as soon as he and Thorin woke they would no doubt desire to continue their journey. Kili promised himself he would do his best to keep up. He was _so_ tired, though, and he knew instinctively that this time his legs would not support him if he tried to rise. Tears sparked in his eyes at his own _uselessness _and he bit back a sob, wishing that he was strong enough to follow when the company moved out. The gods help him, _he did not want to be left alone._

"He's still just lying there," Ori hissed, leaning over to whisper indiscretionally in Balin's ear. He twisted his fingers in the handle of his sling, feeling more than a little sorry for the Dwarf who was huddled up miserably some distance away from the warm, comfortable fire. "Is he - is he really Fili's brother?"

Tales of D_i_s' lost son were not reserved for the ears of children, and Ori had grown up knowing only that Kili had disappeared under mysterious circumstances and that he was never coming back. He had realized that whatever had happened to Kili must have been terrible, for Dori and Nori had never let him out of their sight since that day. Now, out of nowhere Kili had been "returned to life," and Ori _still _did not know what was going on.

"Aye, he really is their lost one returned to them," Balin murmured. His eyes sparkled with unshed tears as he regarded the shattered family trying helplessly to repair the fractured shards of their lives. "They had given up all hope, and now for him to be found in such a state..." He shook his head morosely. "It is a difficult road that lies ahead ... for all of us."

"...Oh..." Ori nodded slowly, not sure what else to say. "He seems so scared."

Balin sighed heavily. "As to be expected, I suppose. He has known little more than cruelty and fear for much of his life. It may be a while yet before he accepts that he is truly freed of his captors."

"Why is he afraid of Thorin?" Ori piped up curiously.

A shutter fell across Balin's gaze and he did not speak. After a moment he clamped his empty pipe between his teeth, his eyes reproving as he instructed calmly, "Best not to mention any of your observations aloud, laddie. You are witnessing a crisis as you have never known in your young life, and some matters are meant to be kept in silence. You will do them more favor to be still and keep to yourself than to voice such questions as they are unable to answer."

Mollified by the rebuke, Ori devoted his attention to his rawhide sling to ignore the burning thoughts on his mind. He needed a new string for the weapon; the old one was fraying after so much use in against Orcs and Goblins. Perhaps Nori could show him how to use the hide of the rabbit Ori had caught to create a new one. Nori had promised he would teach him how to cure a hide this summer; now might be as good a time as ever, since they could not go any further until Thorin decided it was time to move on. Ori hoped he could take his first tanning lesson with this coney. The rabbit was an impressive size and he was very proud of his catch. His small catch seemed all the more useful to the company after the Goblins had stolen all of their food supplies with the ponies, and it made Ori feel quite important.

"Do you think maybe he'd like some of the rabbit? - Kili, I mean?" Ori wondered aloud, his eyes brightening at the thought.

They all suffered the pangs of hunger, as it had been more than a day since the miserable cloudburst had led them into the heart of the Goblins' den, but Bombur seemed delighted with Ori's consideration. One rabbit - no matter how large - would never have sufficed for a company of ravenous Dwarrow, but for one small lad who had not seen a proper meal in decades, it might be viewed as a feast.

Testing the succulent meat and pushing down his own wistful longing as he pulled it off the stick, Bombur set the rabbit aside on a piece of dry cloth and licked the juices from his fingers. More than one pair of hungry eyes watched it go, and more than one Dwarf conspicuously looked away as the savory offering was brought to the shivering, crumpled form of their newest foundling.

Kili did not dare look up as footsteps approached him. Years in the darkness had taught him to recognize his captors or fellow slaves by their voice or their tread. He knew that D_i_s had a light skip to her walk, the lilt emphasized lately since he had told her his name. Fili's step was not too much heavier, but he had a slight limp; no doubt from his initial fall. _Ouch._ Kili shifted his bruised shoulder uncomfortably at the memory.

Thorin's tread was heavy with a stumbling lurch due to his wounds from the Warg. Bofur - or was it Bifur who had the axe piece in his forehead? - tended to move with an erratic flair. Dwalin's stride was heavy and purposeful, and Kili tried not to shiver whenever his heavy boots pounded into the earth. The giant in the tall hat - he had not yet learned his name, and Kili realized with a heavy swallow that this was perhaps a terrible mistake on his part - always swished through the tall grass thanks to that sweltering robe he wore. Kili realized he could never hear Bilbo.

He had not really concentrated on the others; perhaps because he was too occupied with the ones that signified either a threat or safety. These footsteps Kili did not recognize. They were lumbering yet light in step - not with the deadly agility like the one with the frightening hair, but with a more pleasant tread like D_i_s. The tortuous scent of the rabbit drew stronger and Kili buried his face in his arm, inhaling deeply and pretending he _wasn't hungry, never hungry, ate only two days ago, won't need anything more, just please, please go away and don't torment me like this!_

Something nestled into the grass beside him before the boots took three steps back. Curiosity and hunger warred against the survival basics driven into him. _Don't look up. You are the lowest of the low, and a broken nose is the least you deserve for your impudence of meeting the eyes of those who more worthy than you. Don't even flinch, even if it is a rat or a spider placed near your hand. A bite is nothing compared to a broken jaw or a crushed hand for your insolence. Don't peak, don't ask questions, don't __**make a sound**__. Wait until they walk away before making the slightest whimper or else regret it for however long the pain takes to fade._

The footsteps did _not_ move away, however, and Kili bit down on his lip until he tasted blood, trying to ignore the desire that threatened to drive him insane. As though in a stroke of vindictive cruelty the wind caught the scent of the freshly broiled rabbit, wafting it straight towards Kili so that his mouth watered and he shuddered in longing for just _one bite _of the tender, savory meat.

Famished beyond reason, Kili surrendered and lifted his arm from his face. Anything to end this needless torment. Tentatively he raised his head, wincing in anticipation of a blow and cautiously opening his eyes when the boots did not immediately lash out towards his face. Above him Bombur lightly bounced on his heels, his hands crossed behind him in an nonthreatening gesture. He smiled genially his eyes hopeful as he waited for the acceptance of his offering.

Kili's eyes flickered to Fili, and his heart sank as he realized the other Dwarf - his _brother_, he had to remember - was still asleep. D_i_s was not within immediate sight, and there was no one else to tell him if it was safe or not. Kili had only his own instinct to go by.

Instinct told him _no_. The tired part of him, the part that yearned for a life where he did not have to run and hide to survive another day, begged him to _trust_. It was a fool's notion and it would only get him killed, but Kili could not hold back any longer.

Lashing his hand out, Kili snatched the rabbit and scrambled back with it, tearing off pieces and stuffing them into his mouth faster than he could chew. Juice dribbled down his chin and he could barely register the taste, starvation rising within him like a massive beast that could not be satiated. For an instant Kili choked, his stomach rebelling against the half chewed meat even as he continued to scarf down as much as he could. It was _his_. A whole rabbit, all to himself! Never had this happened before, and Kili could not waste this opportunity. He should be more careful and guarded, hiding away a leg for another time, but he could not _stop_.

Suddenly the rabbit was torn away from his hands and Kili fought to take it back, howling at the loss and grasping for more. Dwalin's horrified gaze met his and for an instant Kili forgot the sense of fear he should be respecting as he pounded his fist against the taller Dwarf's boots and whined for the food to be returned.

"Easy, lad, not so fast!"

Dimly Kili was aware that his stomach was cramping from the sudden overfill. A wave of nausea almost caused him to lose the precious meal and he clamped his hands over his mouth, squeezing his eyes shut and rocking back and forth as his stomach flipped and rebelled against him. He had made the worst mistake; eating too much in too short a time. Knifing daggers stabbed through his gut and Kili moaned in discomfort, curling into as tight a ball as he could manage and waiting for the pain to subside. A foul taste filled his mouth and he swallowed back stomach bile, cursing his impetuousness in bolting down the feast with no thought to how long it had been since he had last eaten. They would be angry with him now, and there would be no more food until he could prove he would not waste it the next time.

"Is he all right? What did you do to him?"

"He's fine, D_i_s. Overate, that's all. Don't give him so much next time, Bombur. Lad's got no control over himself."

_Weak. Useless. Pathetic. _He could not even handle a simple meal without making himself look worse in the eyes of those around him. Kili ducked his face into his knees, grateful for the curtain of hair that hid his face from the expressions of disdain. Why did he have to mess everything up? They had little food to spare, and he had shamelessly devoured it with no thought save his own hunger. He could have lived without food a little longer; he had faced worse. Dwalin was right; he had no control over himself.

D_i_s; calloused, tender hand rubbed his back and Kili whimpered in the back of his throat, cringing at her touch. Why did she seem to care so much, when he was only a bother to her? He was not worth her affection; why did she still pretend to care? The confusion brought tears to Kili's eyes and he tried to block them out.

He did not want to imagine the possibility - that she really _loved_ him like she loved Fili and she would never send him away no matter how disobedient and stupidly he behaved. Kili did not know how to handle such a depth of love. He did not want to know how it felt, for that would make it all the more terrible if it was suddenly torn away.

In fact, Kili did not know any longer if he was ready to believe that they _wanted_ him. He did not know if he could live through another betrayal if he was proved wrong once more.

Eventually the sharp pains subsided and Kili slowly raised his head. Bombur was watching him in open concern, his hands folded in front of him and his eyes melting with worry. Kili's brow furrowed in bewilderment as he saw none of the anger he had anticipated. Why was Bombur not furious with him for his carelessness? Why did he not scorn his weakness, slam a fist into his stomach to cause him to lose what little food he had, and then storm away and let him writhe in humiliation as punishment?

Cringing under the compassionate stare, Kili raised his eyes to Dwalin. At least with this one he could know what reaction to expect. Dwalin would be seething with rage at Kili's foolishness. Kili shuddered in anticipation of the beating he would receive, but it was almost a kinder thought. At least with Dwalin he would not be caught off guard, left questioning until a blow struck out of nowhere when he least anticipated it. Dwalin would punish him swiftly and harshly, and then it would be over and Kili would know to be more careful the next time.

Once more he was astounded, however, and Kili did not know whether to be relieved or terrified. Though his demeanor was gruff and his countenance grim, there was no judgment in Dwalin's eyes. His posture was tense, and by that Kili knew he was in for a beating, yet the blows never followed. Instead a deep moroseness settled over Dwalin's features; much like the expression on Fili's face when Kili had asked if they intended to kill him and leave him to the Wargs. In bewilderment Kili looked on warily, unblinking and silent in apprehension of ...

He was no longer certain what he was waiting for.

With a heavy sigh Dwalin broke from his stance, his movements slow and deliberate as he tore a haunch from the rabbit's leg and placed it by Kili's hand. A tremor rippled through Kili and he fought against it, not daring to move lest he incite... _what? _He no longer knew what to predict regarding those around him, and the uncertainty plagued him. He chose not to twitch a muscle, biding his time cautiously until D_i_s said it was safe or Dwalin moved far, _far_ away.

"Eat it slower this time," Dwalin instructed in a low rumble. He wrapped the remaining coney in the cloth Bombur had set it on and nodded somberly. "There'll be more food later; you won't starve on my watch."

He said no more, returning to the fire and settling back with another deep sigh. Kili observed Dwalin warily, uncertain of his motives. _No one_ had ever offered him food before - not unless it was a Goblin healer pouring some foul liquid down his throat to ensure he lived to toil another day. Nourishment was intended for those strong enough to take it by force. If Kili ever wanted anything, he had to hide it away as soon as it was distributed or steal it from another slave. He had not been surprised when Dwalin took the food from him, just as Baldor used to do.

But then the Dwarf had returned some of it. He had _given_ it back, with no demands that Kili steal something in exchange - like the warm fur cloak of the leader or the silver beads that D_i_s wore in her hair. Once more Kili was left in the dark as he wondered what his status was among these higher beings, and what motive could possibly drive them to treat him with such kindness when he could offer nothing in return. He did not know, and the endless questions irked him to no end.

Bombur bounced back on his heels again, and Kili looked up to see the cook glancing pointedly at the rabbit haunch before raising his brows in a form of question. An instant of belligerence took hold and Kili clutched the meat possessively, a growl rising in his throat as he envisioned Bombur attempting to grapple it from him. It was _his_! Dwalin had given it to him, and no one else was going to take it away!

D_i_s chuckled lightly in amusement and rubbed Kili's shoulder reassuringly. "I think I can answer for Kili and say that he likes your cooking very much, Bombur."

A brilliant smile spread across the Dwarf's face and he gave a little bow, his looped braid swinging before him as he said wistfully, "If only I had had a few seasonings to add, it would have been better. I would have offered less simple fare if I could..."

"Nonsense," D_i_s assured brightly, "It was more than any of us could have done."

Between them was the unspoken thought, _He probably could have cared less if there had been any difference._

Bombur offered another cheerful smile, his step light and carefree as he calmly strolled away. Kili felt oddly more at ease as he clutched the rabbit to himself, unaware that the entire display had been witnessed by those surrounding the fire. Struggling to form a coherent thought despite the fog oppressing him after a sleepless night and the sudden drowsiness brought on by a full stomach, Kili slipped the rabbit haunch into his pocket. Dwalin had said there would be more, but that could be hours or even a day from now. Better to save a little now and relish it in the darkness when no one would steal it, than to eat it all now and wish he had some later.

Kili had the impression he was being observed and he looked up reluctantly, drawing into himself as he realized the leader had awakened and was solemnly regarding him with his icy gaze. The tired, puzzled longing in Thorin's eyes was not apparent to him, for Kili had never learned the art of reading those who shielded themselves like a fortress; who allowed entrance to only the few who knew them well enough to perceive the turmoil residing within. To Kili there was only stoic disappointment in the cold blue eyes, and he ducked his head in dejection as he wondered what further mistakes he would make before he finally learned what was expected of him.

Sighing dispiritedly, Kili blinked hard several times and willed himself to remain awake. _Just one moment!_ he pleaded inwardly, sniffing back tears as his body craved even the restless nightmares that sleep promised. He did not dare close his eyes for a fraction of an instant, however, even with the lull of the wind swishing through the grass, the sun shining warmly upon his face for the first time in perhaps a decade, the comforting stroke of his Mother's hand through his hair, and the relief in finally having s_omething_ fill his stomach ...

With a start Kili twitched awake, a jolt of panic stabbing painfully through him as he realized he had started to doze off. He wanted to cry out in frustration and beat his fist against the earth. How _long_ before he was given permission to rest? Fili was stretched out by the fire, sleeping soundly in spite of the recent excitement, and Dori was also beginning to nod off. When would the leader give him permission to close his eyes for an hour - even a few minutes? Biting his lip against tears, Kili wrapped his arms around himself and tried to pretend he did not feel as though he could weep for exhaustion. He did not need sleep, not even for an hour. He was stronger than this, he could...

Raised voices tore Kili from the hallucination of Thorin shoving him aside and berating him for falling asleep without permission. He gasped sharply and sat up, nearly clipping D_i_s in the chin with his abrupt movement. Over the rise of the hill two figures approached, and Kili sighed in relief when he caught sight of Bilbo's curls glinting in the sunlight. More at ease now that his "guardian" had returned, the prospect of the leader's anger did not seem so troubling. D_i_s and Fili would protect him, of this Kili was sure, and Bilbo would stand between him and Thorin and speak words of reason until the other Dwarrow joined alongside him and forced the warrior to back down. He would be safe for a little while, just as they had promised. Maybe Bilbo could even convince Thorin to allow Kili to sleep for a bit - just a few minutes, of course - he would not ask more than that.

Oin spared Kili and D_i_s only a glance as he laid a bundle of plants on a rock and instructed Ori to begin pounding them into mulch. He gestured intently for Gandalf to speak with him, the wizard bending low so that the healer could speak to him in private. Thorin rose abruptly to his feet and joined them, his face grey and drawn as the urgency of the conversation sank in. Meanwhile Bilbo glanced around and mentally counted off the number of their company, offering a wane smile and a wave of his hand when he saw Kili.

Before the Hobbit could take a step forward Gloin pulled him aside, whispering something in his ear and indicating Fili and Thorin with a sharp nod. Bilbo startled and for an instant did not budge. His brow furrowed in confusion and he offered a brief question in reply, then pointed towards D_i_s and raised his eyebrows. Gloin nodded gravely and mentioned something else, causing Bilbo to glance sideways at Thorin with pity in his gaze. With a pat to the Hobbit's shoulder (which may as well have been a physical blow for the flash of irritation in Bilbo's features as he stumbled), Gloin sent him on his way and turned to assist Ori.

The Hobbit's feet were silent in the long grass, reminding Kili of the rumors of the Creature that crept in the darkness of the mines. As soon as he drew near Bilbo dropped to one knee, offering D_i_s a curious look as he mentioned hesitantly,

"So... your son?"

D_i_s' hand trembled ever so slightly and Kili tensed, still half-expecting a denial at any moment. "Yes," she answered softly, squeezing Kili's shoulder in fondness. "This is my Kili."

"Kili?" Bilbo raised his eyebrows with mild intrigue. "Fili and Kili ... Are they twins?"

"Fili is five years older than his brother," D_i_s shook her head.

"Ah." A long moment of silence passed before Bilbo ventured, "Do you ... did you call ever him '_Fee',_ Kili? I thought I heard ... well, you said something like that in the forest, and I thought..."

_Fee._

_Jade blue marbles bounced across the floorboards, glittering in the firelight as Kili held them up to his eyes. _

_"Raaawr! I'm the Dwagon, the mononimus an' ewigant Thmaug!"_

_"Uncle said not to play Dragons," Fili rebuked with a frown. "They give you nightmares." __He carefully set up his Dwarven warriors, scowling when Kili batted them back down again with a yowl of triumph._

_"Mum! Kili's not playing right!"_

_"Rawr!"_

_"Kili, stop it!" Fili finally lashed out, his temper past the breaking point. "Dragon's are bad - Uncle told you to stop playing them!"_

_"But I'm not bad!" Kili defended himself with shimmering, wide eyes. "I'm a good dwagon!"_

_To prove his point he meticulously righted each wooden figure, clapping in delight when he was finished. "See! Dwagon's awen't all bad! Mummy! Mummy! I did it wight!"_

_D_i_s, preserving her remaining sanity, offered no comment during the exchange. Unless screams and punches broke out, the two boys could handle their own problems. Kili frowned when he realized his Mother was not listening and he promptly folded his arms and sulked._

_"Not a bad Dwagon," he insisted with a pout._

_"Dragons burned Erabor," Fili pointed out logically, moving a figurine and glaring at Kili as the younger Dwarf raised his hand to bat down the soldiers again. "They killed lots of people and they stole our home. They're __**bad**__, Kili."_

_Ever the literalist, Kili raised his eyes to the whole ceiling and argued, "But we're not burn-ded."_

_"__**Erebor**__, not the Blue Mountains," Fili retorted, recalling his map lessons with Balin. "We never saw Erebor, Kili."_

_"Den Thmaug in't bad?"_

_"What- Kili - you don't - oh, forget it," Fili gave up in frustration. "Just ask Uncle Thorin, okay?"_

_Kili crossed his legs and clutched his ankles, feeling left out and ignored. "Fee?" he piped up petulantly, dipping his chin and putting on his best 'I'm Cute and You Should Notice Me' expression._

_Fili sighed and abandoned his imaginary war. "What is it, Kili?"_

_Kili wriggled closer, peeking up at Fili and questioning worriedly, "Would Unca Thorn hate me cause I'ma Dwagon?"_

_Fili had to stop and think about that for a moment. Sometimes his brother's questions were absolutely absurd._

_"You're not a Dragon, Kili. Of course he won't hate you."_

_"Oh." Kili's brow furrowed as he thought further. "Fee? What if I wassa Dwagon? Would he not like me no more?"_

_'If you were a Dragon you wouldn't be here,' Fili wanted to say. Instead he promised, "No, he wouldn't hate you."_

_"But I would'na be a bad Dwagon," Kili said fervently. "I'd be a nice Dwagon an' help Unca Thorn an Mummy. An' I'd fly everywhea an' go way - way up in the sky an' ged back all our tweasure."_

_"Sure, Kili," Fili answered with a shrug, "But then you couldn't listen to bedtime stories 'cause you'd be too big for your bed, and Mummy couldn't hug you goodnight 'cause she wouldn't be able to reach you. And we wouldn't be able to play together 'cause - "_

_Kili howled in horror and wound himself around Fili's arm, burying his face in his brother's shirt and sniffing, "I don't wanna be a Dwagon no mowe, Fee! I wanna be a woodcavah like Bofo' an' wear a funny hat!"_

_Fili blinked in bewilderment. This was new. "I thought you wanted to be like Uncle Thorin and be a mighty warrior."_

_"Uh-uh," Kili shook his head and wrinkled his nose. "He don't wear a hat."_

_"...Right, Kili," Fili shook his head._

_"Is Unca Dwa'n a Dwagon?" Kili piped up brightly, his tribulation vanished as eyes lit up with certainty. Before Fili could deny it the young Dwarf continued, "'Cause he's big an' he wumbles an' he makes fiwe in da fowges."_

_Fili buried his head in his arms and groaned. Before he was forced to knock some sense into his idiot of a little brother the door swung open in a swirl of snow and biting wind. Kili's head whipped around and a beaming smile lit up his face. He scrambled to his feet, tripping over his own soft boots as he raced forward with his arms outstretched._

_"Unc - "_

The memory vanished with the popping of a branch as the fire heated the green wood's sap to the boiling point. Kili held onto the dream as long as he could, cherishing the brief moment of happiness and excitement for the arrival of an unknown someone he _knew_ was important to him.

As he glanced up he felt a sudden wave of relief that he had been jarred from the hallucination in time, for Thorin was watching him with a somber expression that Kili knew boded ill. The leader bent to shake Fili awake, murmuring something to him and swinging his head minutely in Kili's direction. Fili paled upon the command and looked as though he wanted to argue, but a curt explanation was all that was necessary for him to drag himself reluctantly to his feet.

He knew he was in trouble now, and Kili still had no idea what he had done wrong. He stiffened as Oin approached with Fili, the younger taking a seat behind Kili and gently but securely drawing him into his arms. Eyes wide with trepidation and fear coursing through him in violent tremors, Kili desperately sought his brother's gaze for help.

"Wh-what's g-going on?" he asked in a shrill, small voice.

"Oin ... he needs to take care of your foot, Kili," Fili answered in a low, dejected whisper. "I ... It'll be over soon, I promise. He'll give you something for the pain, it just ..." His face twisted with guilt, he begged, "I'm so sorry, Kili! Just - _please _- don't struggle."

His feet were pulled out from under him and Kili suddenly knew what was going to happen. He yelled in horror and tried to pull back, panicking when Fili's grip tightened unmercifully and bound him in place.

"No- _No_! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to! I'm sorry! I - Whatever it was, I won't do it again! Please, _don't_! You - you promised!"

"Give him this," Oin instructed as he handed Bilbo a flask. His expression was carefully maintained under the mask required of a healer, but the pain at what must be done showed through despite his efforts. "The last of Bifur's store," he added with dull humor. "The alcohol and the herbs I administered will help distract him from the pain."

"Kili, it will be all right," Bilbo tried to assure. "He needs to seal the infection or else you might lose both feet. He'll be quick about it - you might not feel anything at all."

"_No,_ _no, no, no, no,"_ Kili whispered, struggling like wild animal in Fili's grip. He fell back with a whimper, gasping for breath as the physical and emotional strain became too much for him. "You promised!" he wailed.

"Kili, please!" Fili choked, holding his brother tightly and wishing he was not the only one who could hold Kili still without the former slave launching into a screaming fit. "We _have_ to do this! Please, don't make it any harder!" _For yourself... for me!_

Kili could not even hear his voice, for his mind was captured by the searing, red hot knife that was drawn from the coals of the fire. Blind terror consumed him as Oin's face was distorted into a Goblin's malicious leer, and a ragged, horrific scream filled the clearing as Kili was dragged kicking and thrashing into the darkness of his nightmares.


	8. Mural of Dreams

_Eerie crimson light radiated from the forges, bathing his captors in the glow of blood red flames. Piercing screeches and yowls rang in his ears and Kili wanted to curl into a ball and clap his hands over his head until the darkness returned and the nightmare was ended. Spidery hands of iron were clamped onto his wrists and arms, dragging him forward despite his frantic writhing to escape. Other hands pushed him from behind, grasping his hair and yanking his head back as his captors spat in his face and jeered at his open terror. Several times Kili lost his footing and was dragged along, sharp stones gouging his knees and tearing bloody rivulets in his thighs before he was forced to stand on shuddering legs and continue on. _

_The shrieks, the howls; he could not bear them another instant. He wanted to scream and burrow into the earth where he would hear nothing. The wails of other slaves accompanied the uproar as they were whipped for their disobedience, or pushed out of the way until they fell from the scaffolding, or pressed against the searing metal of the forges when they did not skitter out of the way in time. Fear and agony cloyed the air in a tangible wave and Kili fell to his knees and threw up bile, knowing this was only a fraction of what lay in store for him._

_They were furious with him for his attempted escape. Too many times he had pushed the rules, and now the Goblins' patience was at an end. They thronged him in groups of twenty - thirty - too many to count, dragging him to the roaring heart of the Dragon's Throat and pinning him against the wall. His arms were pulled to either side of him, muscles tearing and joints straining until his wrist and left shoulder gave way with a sharp pop. Kili shouted at the rippling anguish, howls of laughter only adding to his misery as the Goblins delighted in his pain._

_'...Mum - Fili - Please, I didn't give up! I tried to get out! I haven't given up yet! I'm still here! Why haven't you come for me? Please, Uncle Thorin, I'm sorry I messed up! Please, you promised you would come and find me! Why aren't you here? Why aren't you... '_

_His mental litany was drowned in a throe of unearthly screams and growls. Triumph, rage ... __**Fear.**__ It clogged his mind and drowned him in waves of bleak hopelessness There was no way out. There was nothing but the cries and the pain and the terror surrounding him. He had failed to escape, and now they would ensure he never set foot outside the caverns again. Why had he been so stupid as to even try when he knew the attempt would be futile? Five times Kili had slipped free of his captors' grasp over the years, only to be yanked back into the darkness just when he thought he was truly free. _

_This time he had been __**so close.**__ To feel the sunlight on his face, experience the breeze drying the streaks of blood trickling down his chin and to know he was __**finally going to get out**__... for a moment Kili thought the realm outside the mountains could only be the Mansions of Aule for its sheer beauty. Then the mourning whine of the breeze was replaced with a sharp ringing in his ears as a hand slammed against his cheek and threw him against the rock, and the glimpse of the clearest blue sky and swaying firs was exchanged for the retreating back of Baldor the Traitor, followed by the murky clouds of unconsciousness._

_Now Kili realized the folly of his efforts. He could never get out. No one was coming for him. He was on his own, and he could not even help himself any longer. Why had he tried so hard when it was __**useless**__ to make such a foolhardy attempt?_

_"No - no, wait!" he hollered as a leering Goblin drew a wicked looking blade from the glowing embers of the forge. "No - no, don't - I'm sorry! I won't do it again! I promise, I won't escape again!"_

_His cries became higher in pitch, frantic and desperate as he cringed against the unforgiving wall. A Goblin wrenched his wounded shoulder and he whimpered and fell slack in their grasp, pressing his cheek against the cold stone and pleading for mercy._

_"Please - please, no! I won't do it again! I promise, I'll never set foot outside any more! I'll do what I'm told! I won't disobey! No, don't! __**Please!**__"_

_Goblin fingers tore into his hair and wrenched his head to the side, exposing his left cheek to the burnished edge of the scimitar. He shouted in terror and squeezed his eyes shut, unable to face the horror of what was to come. Heat radiated from the blade and he began to scream, panic rising in him long before the scouring metal touched his skin._

_Searing agony drew a line of fire below his eye, dragging to his jaw and evoking a scream so ragged, so horrendous that several of the smaller Goblins skittered away. Blackness encompassed his vision in a swell of heat and anguish and for an instant Kili thought they had taken his eye. They did not even give him time to recover, a second slash following quickly after the first. The left side of his face was a river of molten agony. He did not recognize the high pitched shrieks torn from his throat. By the third slash he was slumped in the Goblin's hold, panting, broken cries elicited from raw and hoarse vocal cords. The scimitar was exchanged for a newly heated blade. A fourth slash was burned into his skin, then a fifth. He lost count, the seconds crawling by in a reel of trauma that would never end._

_"Useless filth," the Goblin hissed condescendingly. Cruel words in the common tongue that he would never forget. "Pitiful scum... Did you think you could save yourself? Did you believe you could find refuge among the dead? You scream their names, whimpering like a crippled mongrel, but they do not come. You are alone."_

_His cheek was swelled to the point where he could no longer see from his left eye. Squinting from the other Kili shook his head, his gaze stricken with pain as tears of dejection streamed down his face. "N-no... th-they said th-they would find m-me... Th-they wo-wouldn't..."_

_Mocking gasps of laughter disrupted his pleas. A name so vile, so distorted and horrible it caused him to pale even though he could not understand it, dripped in foul syllables from the Goblin's tongue. Jeers filled the cavern and Kili shuddered, unable to lift his eyes as a fathomless weight dragged his soul into impenetrable darkness._

_"Next time it will be an eye, filth," the Goblin promised, branding the base of Kili's chin as his head was raised with the tip of the burning sword._

_His legs would no longer support him, and Kili slumped in rejection and misery. There was no more fight left in him, not even to snarl at his tormentors as they threw him into the ground under an onslaught of kicks and punches._

_"Y... You p-p-promised..." Kili lisped in a shuddering breath, curling into himself to escape the barrage of unceasing agony. "You..."_

_You abandoned me._

_I trusted you._

_You let them take me away._

_Why didn't you find me, Uncle?_

_Why did you leave me here alone?_

* * *

Kili's eyes rolled back in his head and he convulsed in Fili's arms, garbled nonsense breaking off in a tormented moan as he yanked his feet from Oin's grip. Fili grunted at his brother's thrashing and clasped his arms tighter, only for Kili to cry out and renew his struggles. No comprehension shone in his gaze. Lost in the throes of his terror, he recognized nothing but the horrors of his mind.

"Gandalf!" Oin barked, wincing as one of Kili's flailing legs caught him in the stomach. "Now would be the time to interfere!"

D_i_s shoved Oin out of the way, clasping her son's face in her hands and imploring, "Kili? Kili, look at me!" She whirled on her heels and cast the bedraggled healer a vehement glare, demanding in a shrill voice, "Do something!"

"Give me half a moment and I will!" Oin snapped back, shouting to be heard over Kili's incomprehensible hollering.

Kili yanked away from Fili's grasp, throwing his head back into his brother's nose when he could not free himself. Fili yelped and instinctively pressed his hands against the spurt of blood, blinking stars out of his vision as his brother flailed loose. Kili launched himself forward in blind panic, his escape impaired when he slammed directly into Thorin. Shaking his head wildly the younger Dwarf threw out a volley of ineffective punches, eliciting a grunt from Thorin as he pinned his nephew's arms to his sides and held him still. Trapped and unable to move, Kili fell limp in his grasp. Rapid, shallow pants shook his thin frame, his eyes roving in animalistic dread as blackness reached forth with icy tendrils to claim him.

_"Gandalf!" _Thorin enunciated, his gaze smoldering with fear-driven anger. With a strangled whimper Kili whipped his head back and bashed Thorin in the chin, blood filling the leader's mouth as his teeth clacking against his tongue. Biting down his frustration Thorin leaned out of the way, refusing to let go.

"Out of my way, now," Gandalf muttered in a clipped tone, pushing a frazzled Ori and Gloin aside and almost knocking Nori to the ground in his hurry. He dropped to one knee beside Thorin and pressed his hand to Kili's forehead, murmuring something in a foreign tongue and closing his eyes in concentration.

Kili's tremulous cries gradually stilled and his head lolled against Thorin's arm, the lines of trauma easing from his features as he drifted into what Thorin _hoped_ was a healing slumber. Across from them Fili dropped his head into his hands, his shoulders trembling with shock at what had taken place.

"I ... I didn't know he was going to ..."

Thorin read the guilt in his nephew's words, sensing that whatever damage had been done, it would be some time before Fili forgave himself for the crime he felt he had committed. There was no time to comfort him now, and with a reluctant nod Thorin indicated for for Dwalin to escort Fili from the area. The younger Dwarf batted Dwalin's hands away as soon as he realized his intent, scooting closer to his unconscious brother and snarling,

"I'm fine!"

With a sigh Thorin began to relent, only for Oin to order crisply, "I shall not have all thirteen of you distracting me while I work. Fili, do as your Uncle tells you before I put a permanent splint on that leg of yours. The rest of you: go find something useful with which to occupy your time_._ D_i_s, you may stay. Fetch my knife, Gloin, and see to it that Bilbo does not gather the wrong plants should I need extra. You know which are poisonous by now."

"How serious is this?" D_i_s inquired in a guarded tone. Underlying her words was the question, _What do you intend to do to my son?_

"The infection must be dealt with immediately," Oin explained hastily. "In normal cases I might lance the wound, cleanse it, apply a poultice, and allow him to fight off the remaining infection. I have no hot water, however, nor does he have the strength to stave off this manner of injury. If I wait until tomorrow I might be too late; the fever is already taking hold."

"Then what _will_ you do?" D_i_s pressed, glaring at him for evading her veiled question.

"Cauterizing is my only option," Oin replied gravely. "It will seal the opening and prevent further irritation while the poultice does its work. It will be quick, but it is not painless. ... Had I realized he would react so strongly, I would have requested that Gandalf act sooner," he added in an afterthought.

"He will feel little pain," Gandalf promised D_i_s, offering her a brief smile of reassurance. "His mind is caught up in the dreams of old. He will not suffer for the procedure."

At Oin's nod Thorin shifted Kili in his arms, pillowing his nephew's head in the crook of his arms and leaving his swollen and distorted feet at the healer's mercy. Kili's eyelids twitched in his sleep, a frown momentarily creasing his forehead. As quickly as it appeared it eased away and he turned his head with a small sigh, his expression peaceful for the first time since he had been found.

A familiar weight dragged at his heart and Thorin brushed his thumb through Kili's hair, a painful lump lodging in his throat as he remembered the cheeky infant who would leap onto his shoulders and prattle nonsense about Dragons and "baby butterflies" and whatever silly notions ran through his head. He could not compare the child of the past to the skeletal wraith he held in his arms, and grief of another kind assaulted Thorin as he recalled endless years of combing the mountains, convinced that his nephew freely explored the lands beyond Middle Earth.

How long had Kili been trapped in the mines, a slave to his own fear as much as to the Goblins, wasting away until he was no more than a ghost of his former self? How long had the darkness lingered before it deprived him of all hope and the memories of better times? Thorin did not know if it was even possible to repair the damage once it had been carved into his nephew's young and vulnerable mind.

Such thoughts tormented him and he cradled Kili almost protectively, as though he could shelter him from the horrors of his past and the pain that was yet to come. Oin nodded once to indicate he was ready, and Thorin found that he had to steel himself to refrain from shoving the healer away and cursing him for bringing his nephew further agony.

With a swift stroke of his cooled knife Oin lanced a furrow in the puffy, reddened flesh of Kili's distorted foot. Putrid yellow liquid accompanied a trickle of blood, the stream increasing to a rush as Oin pressed on both sides of the wound. The foul odor cloyed the air and Thorin turned his head away, unable to stomach the healer's grisly work. Kili released a sharp keen and twitched in Thorin's arms, twisting his head to the side with a grimace of anguish. A few whispered words from Gandalf sank him deep into oblivion once more, his sleep disturbed only by the shadows of his dreams.

D_i_s face was strained as she passed Bifur's flask over to Oin. Her gaze bored into Thorin's, the knowledge that Kili was more secure with her brother conflicting with the instinct that s_he_ should be the one holding and protecting her child at this moment. She was less affected by the gruesome wound than Thorin, wiping away the dribbling infection with a clean cloth as Oin flushed brandy over the weeping sore.

Kili mumbled something that sounded uncannily like, "Don't bite m'feet, Mewy..," wriggling as though to tuck his feet under the covers and evade the knifing claws that dragged along the sole of his foot.

In spite of Dwalin's restraint Fili hovered close by, his eyes dark and stricken with worry for his little brother's pain. He could not sit still, constantly scrambling to his feet and pacing tirelessly until one of the Dwarrow dragged him back down again. Even while seated Fili's hands grasped in vain for a task with which to occupy his frantic thoughts. Wads of plucked and shredded grass soon lay in scattered piles around the fire, until Dwalin was almost ready to knock the frazzled lad over the head and put him out of his misery.

"Put this in the coals of the fire and return it to me once it has been heated through," Oin instructed D_i_s when no more pus secreted with the flow of blood. He trusted the infection could be held off for the length of time it would take to reach the Skinchanger's lodgings.

With a wave of his hand Oin indicated for Bilbo to bring the herbs Ori had crushed, nodding in approval at the consistency and distributing them between two strips of cloth that Gloin had prepared. Thorin observed him questioningly, to which Oin replied,

"The largest gash is the worst of them, however, the smaller wounds still concern me." Oin shook his head at the sorry state of Kili's feet, inspecting the various abrasions, gouges and burn scars with pity. "He shall not be walking on his own for some time; not until he has had a chance to heal."

Oin did not inquire whether Thorin intended to leave his nephew with Beorn or carry him across the mountains. The instinctive reply would be obvious, yet further council must be taken to decide the matter. This was neither the time nor the place to launch into a contradictory discussion.

Her jaw clenched in premonition, D_i_s drew alongside the trio and handed Oin his heated blade. Her hand shook slightly at the understanding that she was delivering an implement which would bring further torture to her son. As though sensing her distress, Kili arched away from Thorin and released a whimper of dismay. Oin cast Gandalf a cautionary glance before grasping Kili's ankle firmly and pressing the blazing knife against the gaping wound.

Instantly Kili's eyes shot open and he let out a strangled yelp, wrenching one arm free of Thorin's grip to thwart off an invisible foe. His eyes were glazed and unseeing, his fist striking the air as he clenched his teeth and threw back his head in anguish. No illusion of Gandalf's was enough to disguise the agony of the red hot blade searing through flesh and infected tissue.

Unlike the panic induced spasm before, however, Kili did not fight for long. Tears choked his voice as he cried out and slammed his head against Thorin's arm, blocking one form of pain with another. His hand tore into the grass, clawing the earth as though it was responsible for his affliction. Aside from the initial reaction, however, he did not struggle to free himself of Thorin's hold. Working swiftly to seal the remaining tear, Oin could surmise the reason.

This would not have been the first time the lad's feet had been branded to avoid infection. The method was crude but effective, and it wasted neither time nor medicines. Whatever Kili was seeing in his trauma, he knew that escape was impossible; the pain inevitable. Though he might scream and plead for the torment to cease, it would be to no avail. The Goblins' only form of mercy was to smash in the skulls of their captives.

"_No - please - don't need-d - I - I'll w-walk... 'kay.. I - I'm sorry!" _Kili's voice hitched and he tried to curl up on his side, tears streaming down his cheeks as he sobbed breathlessly against Thorin's arm.

Thorin's fervid stare burned at the edge of Oin's vision, but the healer had no consolance to offer. All the more he wished he could have given Kili something for the pain before the lad had lost consciousness. Wizardy had helped well enough for a time, but there were measures where a good herbal dose could have better distracted the lad's mind from the torture. There was nothing more that Oin could administer without choking his patient, however, and reluctantly he accepted a newly heated blade from Gloin to seal the last of the rent.

A last shuddering gasp wracked Kili's frame and he slumped against Thorin. Hallucinations and dreams were suffocated in the oppressive shroud of unconsciousness, and not even the fire licking at his heels as Oin finished cauterizing the less dire lacerations on Kili's feet could rouse him.

D_i_s closed her eyes in relief when at last Oin set the knife aside and reached for the bandages. Her knuckles on one hand were gouged and bleeding where she had bitten down in the helpless desire to alleviate of her littlest one's anguish, and she clung to Thorin's hand when he rubbed her shoulder comfortingly.

Not to be held back any longer, Fili ducked past Dwalin and skidded to the small group, dropping beside Thorin and examining Kili with wide, fear-ridden eyes. "Is he going to be all right?"

Oin's visage was grim as he finished winding the last strip of cloth around the crushed plants he had pressed to Kili's feet. "We cannot linger here," he informed Thorin dourly, intentionally avoiding Fili's question. "I cannot continue to treat his injuries in this manner. The chains must come off, and I do not doubt there are further wounds unaccounted for. We make for this Beorn's, and if I must beg for supplies I will do so. If a fever takes hold he will not survive it, Thorin."

"Then we can afford no further delays," Thorin determined, his gaze a shield wall of burning flame. King and commander once more, he ordered of the company, "See to it that the fire is put out and whatever supplies we have are gathered together. We move out at once."

He lurched to his feet, grimacing at the pull on his wounded leg. Kili lolled back unresponsively, and Thorin shifted so that his nephew's head was supported on his shoulder. Alarm jolted through him at the bright splotches that stood out on his nephew's ashen face. There could be no further halts until they reached their destination. Thorin feared that Kili might not wait for dawn.

Dwalin stepped forward as though to pull Kili away, but Thorin shook his head firmly. "I will take him."

"You will only aggravate your wound..." Oin began to argue.

"_**I **_will take him._" _Thorin glowered and adjusted his grip on Kili's limp body, his face resolute as he strode forward to lead the way.

Oin sighed and threw out his hands helplessly, sheathing his knife and gathering the remaining bandages for later. He and Dwalin exchanged a glance, both estimating that Thorin _would_ manage to carry his nephew across the mountains if he had to, ignoring both fatigue and fever until he collapsed at the end of his journey.

"Fool," Oin muttered, shaking his head. _Stubborn, unreasonable mule. _A smile twitched at the corner of his mouth as he recalled a similar memory of two children nursing scrapes knees and splint wrists after a tumble, brought home safely after Thorin had set out to find them before darkness encompassed the Mountains. _Never shall there be another more dedicated and loyal to you rascals._

The reminiscence was painful to call upon, for the dark haired child of the past was nothing more than a ravaged memory. Only the practice of disguising his emotions while tending to his patients had saved Oin the open horror when he learned of the slave's identity. The image of a young Kili, eyes bright with a maniacal grin and the surety of one who was secure in the arms of his family, had been painted over in blood and despair and the bleak shadow of a crushed spirit. There was no similarity between the two pictures in Oin's mind.

Kili had never been returned to them. One with his name and his heritage had been found, but the boy Oin remembered no longer wandered the paths of Middle Earth. The listless, crippled young Dwarf Thorin guarded was not the nephew he had raised and mentored. That child was lost to them forever.

Greatly did Oin underestimate the strength of the Line of Durin, however, for in the masterpiece of adversity there remained a sliver of hope.

* * *

_"Don't even think about it, Kili. Mum said she'd lock you in your room for life if you tried a stunt like that again."_

_Kili whirled furiously and glared at his brother with all the vehemence he muster, stamping his foot in agitation before turning to face the tree again. One large, shiny apple hung high above his reach, and Kili was determined to obtain it. He wasn't going to break his arm by tumbling out of a tree - not like __**Fili**__ who said he was just cushioning Kili's fall. No, Kili knew how to be more careful than that. _

_Fili regarded his brother in trepidation, knowing the thoughts that were whirling through Kili's mind. The last time his brother had tried climbing to the higher branches a slip had resulted in bloodied knees and - on Fili's part - a broken wrist. He was not anxious for another summer of sheer boredom as he waited for Oin to remove the cast._

_"Here," Fili spoke up quickly, holding out his armful of gleanings as a peace offering. "You can have my biggest one instead. It doesn't even have a bruise on it."_

_Regarding the apple shrewdly, Kili shook his head. "It fell on the ground," he stated, crinkling his nose. It probably had a worm hiding in it that Fili didn't see. _

_With a snort Kili returned to studying the tree, his mind made up. He did not want a battered piece of fruit that had been blown down by the wind. The gleaming gem in the high boughs called his name, enticing him with promises of crunchy outer skin and inner flesh bursting with tart juices. Coyly the wind tugged on the lighter branches, the apple swaying against its tether as though beckoning for Kili to clamber up and grab it._

_He growled under in his breath and jumped, stretching his fingers high above and yowling dishearteningly when he did not come within a foot of his prize. Rabid with the competitive urge goading him on, Kili trotted back a few steps and took a full running leap, snarling when he failed to grasp the tantalizing fruit. Once more he approached the tree, craning his neck to gauge the height. _

_He wouldn't __**really**__ be disobeying if he climbed just a little ways. He would just wrap his arms around the trunk and inch his way up a bit, and then he would grab the limb and paw his way over until he could grab his snack. Fili would catch him if he fell, of course, but Kili did not intend to fall. After all, he technically wasn't supposed to be within three feet of the tree in the first place, and he would be in **huge** trouble if he got hurt in the process..._

_The potential consequences were whispered in grim tidings by his conscience. Kili twisted his mouth in a sharp frown and took several steps back. He'd try one more time to knock the apple down first - just to make sure he couldn't get it any other way._

_As Kili's feet left the ground two hands grabbed him under the armpits, a yelp escaping him as he swung higher and higher until he hung just underneath the poised apple. Startled, he glanced down and blanched as he recognized his benefactor ... or condemner._

_"Uh.. Uncle Thorin?" Kili squeaked, horror filling him as he wondered if Thorin had witnessed the entire conversation._

_Thorin raised his brow in bemusement, tilting his head towards the apple as though to say, 'Well, are you going to sit there all day or are you going to do something about that?'_

_Mute with disbelief, Kili plucked the apple from its branch, clutching it with both hands as Thorin swung him onto his shoulders. Fili gaped and clapped his mouth shut, refraining from tattling at the last minute. _

_"Your Mother was calling you for supper," Thorin commented, regarding Fili with a dubious eyebrow. "You boys ready to come home?"_

_Dumbstruck, Kili nodded his head. Had he really escaped with his life? Did Uncle know nothing of what had transpired? He should be so fortunate..._

_Fili shot Kili a covert glance and then hastily looked away and grinned, covering for his brother with a chirped, "Yeah, Uncle Thorin - I'm starved!"_

_Thorin snorted in dry amusement. "Far from that, I am sure." _

_Kili wriggled uncomfortably, unable to stand the pressure. Did he know? Was Uncle Thorin holding off a scolding until they returned? Did he not realize what had taken place? Was he just waiting for Kili to admit his fault and accept his punishment like he should?_

_"I ... I didn't climb it," Kili blurted out, his cheeks flushing with shame at the crime he had almost committed He sighed in relief, glad to have the secret out, then hung his head at the sense of impending doom._

_Thorin regarded his nephew thoughtfully, his gaze unreadable. "I know," he answered at length. "I was watching the entire time."_

_Kili jolted, his eyes flying wide open as he opened and closed his mouth wordlessly. "Y-you saw it?" he flustered. "But..."_

_... Why did you help me, if you knew I was being disobedient? Why didn't you yell at me for trying to sneak around Mum's orders when I thought you weren't looking? Why aren't you mad at me now? ..._

_"Any coward can cover a fault and plead his innocence," Thorin replied soberly, meandering for home with a slow, purposeful stride. "Honesty; the willingness to admit wrong: these are the marks of a true warrior."_

_Kili sank down and peeked over the top of Thorin's head, inquiring anxiously, "Then, you're not going to punish me?" Or worse, tell Mum and let her handle the discipline..._

_"Should I?" Thorin retorted, a touch of humor lifting his words._

_Kili did not understand the variation of the tone, his mind in a whirl as he tried to decide. "Um..." Was he deserving of punishment or not? He hadn't r__**eally**__ climbed the tree, but he was __**going**__ to... did that count?_

_"He didn't actually climb it..." Fili offered tentatively._

_"This is for Kili to answer," Thorin shook his head in rebuke._

_"I ... I..." Kili slumped in frustration and buried his face in his arms. "I don't know," he finally admitted. "I didn't climb the tree, but I wanted to, and I almost did, but then I didn't want to disobey so I tried - "_

_"Exactly," Thorin cut him off. "You may have __**wanted **__to disregard my orders, even going so far as to almost carry out the action, but in the end you chose to obey. That is what is important to me."_

_"Oh..." Kili said in a small voice. Hesitantly he asked, "Do I still get punished?"_

_Thorin smiled crookedly. "Not this time."_

_Awed at the unexpected show of mercy, Kili breathed a long sigh of relief and sunk back against his Uncle's shoulders. He tucked his apple safely into his pocket, intending to save it forever and ever as a reminder to never be dishonest again. Then he would be a true warrior, just like Uncle Thorin said. Maybe he would even be as good as Fili - that is, if he could ever manage to lift an axe without..._

* * *

Somewhere along the line he must have clambered into that tree after all, for Kili could feel it swaying beneath him in clomping, lurching strides. He winced and forced his eyes open as the dream vanished, grimacing as a familiar mural of pain hit him full force. His back felt as though he had been dragged across jagged metal, his wrists had been gnawed to pieces by a wild cat, and his shoulder was surely black with bruising by now. It was his feet that clamored for Kili's attention, however. He _knew _they had branded him again. The agonizing marks were unmistakable and he clenched his teeth as rivers of fire trickled down the soles of his feet.

The figure below him halted and Kili shuddered as Thorin questioned softly, "Kili? Are you awake?"

Two visions warred in his mind: the stern, unmerciful visage of the Leader, and the disgruntled, patient expression of his Uncle Thorin. He did not know which was true. The dream had been disjointed; surreal. He could not tell if it was a memory or another vision he wished would come true.

Unable to decide and fearing the outcome of choosing the wrong answer, Kili hastily shut his eyes and feigned unconsciousness. The cover of darkness had surely hidden his awakening; perhaps he could hide just a little bit longer and escape the pain.

As his mind drifted away in the blissful waters of slumber, a last thought flitted to Kili's mind. In dimmed wonder he realized he had not been beaten for falling asleep without the leader's permission. He should have been worried about what was in store for him for his disobedience, but with a small sigh Kili realized he did not care. All that mattered to him was that, for the first time since he could remember, he felt secure.


	9. Tarnished Hope

**I think I should put in a warning for sensitive viewers in this chapter. I do seem to have a habit of describing the medical gore of injuries to an extensive degree... So, Sensitive Readers be Warned.**

* * *

"I am not over fond of Dwarves..."

It was a small mercy that Kili was still unconscious, for Thorin did not believe his nephew could have withstood the stress of seeing the massive figure before them. Beorn's stance was nonthreatening, yet to a slave newly freed of his captivity, the Skinchanger's sheer size would have been intimidating. His shadow filled the arch of the cavernous doorway, and he stood well over Gandalf's height. The early dawn had yet to shed its light upon the land, and the darkness seemed to enhance the roaring flames which cast an eerie pallor upon Beorn's pose. Kili would have been terrified upon his first glimpse.

"If it were not for the urgent state of our companion, we would never have troubled you," Gandalf negotiated as he stepped between Thorin and Oin. "Unfortunately, as we have lost our supplies and our ponies we have no alternative but to beg of your hospitality for a few hours."

Beorn appeared disgruntled by the last statement, giving Thorin the impression he was unaccustomed to visitors "popping in" on all manner of occasions. The fact that he did not shoo them off his doorstep immediately might have been an encouraging sign to Gandalf, but the parlay of words grated on Thorin's impatience. He shifted in agitation, chaffing at the delay. In his arms Kili shivered and tucked his nose into the fur of Thorin's cloak, the heavy material wrapped around him ineffective against the chills wrought by fever. Thorin instinctively drew him closer, bundling his nephew more securely as though he could ward off the illness by his mere command.

Observing the Dwarrow with languid interest, Beorn rumbled, "What purpose would a Wizard and two Dwarves have in the far reaches of the mountains..." his eyes narrowed as he perceived the clink of manacles when Kili shifted, "...And with a slave in their midst?"

"That is a lengthy tale which I fear would be longer in the telling," Gandalf hesitated, leaning heavily on his staff as though wearied by the journey. "Suffice it to say we had a run-in with Goblins _and_ Orcs in one night, and we have quite lost our way. I should not wish to burden you with our troubles, however. Seeing as it is imperative that our companion be seen to at once, I must excuse myself and my friends, for we cannot linger while his wounds remain unattended."

Beorn's eyebrows drew together, disagreement and slight curiosity in his expression. Believing that the Skinchanger was almost won over, Thorin straightened and cleared his throat to speak up for their plight. He could have knocked Gandalf over the head with his own staff at the Wizard's next statement.

"As we would not wish to trespass upon your hospitality," Gandalf offered brightly, "Perhaps we might make use of that excellent stream I hear close by, and thus be on our way with all due haste."

Thorin staggered and shot Gandalf a fierce glower, appalled that he would make such a ridiculous request. How could he treat Kili's injuries so callously, as though the mere factor of a river would determine whether the boy lived or died? Drawing himself up to his full height, he prepared to challenge the Wizard's limited intelligence and _demand _they be granted entrance without further delay.

In his own roundabout way, however, Gandalf had captured Beorn's interest. A mystery had been laid before the Skinchanger, and just as he might have invited the foursome inside to hear their tale the Wizard had announced they would take their leave. Not only so, but he had determined to settle their problem in the most unwise and inconvenient manner, one which would certainly prove ineffectual in assisting their wounded companion. Casting Gandalf an incredulous stare, baffled that he would make such a ludicrous suggestion, Beorn held up one hand and announced,

"That will not be necessary. As I have already been disturbed, I may as well hear this tale which brings you to my home in the perils of nightfall; particularly of this "run-in" with both Orcs _and _Goblins of which you speak." The growl in his tone as Beorn spoke of the two races indicated he held no regard for either save the satisfaction in discovering their mutilated corpses. "You shall find all the means necessary to care for your ill companion. If this is to be a particularly long tale as you have hinted, Gandalf the Grey, then there shall be time to tend to him before I send you on your way. Mind you, I do not have all day to waste."

He turned into the house, giving no indication whether or not his "guests" should enter. Gandalf took this as their welcome and nodded for Thorin to follow. With a dour look Thorin complied, uncertain now whether this was the wisest course for Kili's sake. He blinked in the sudden glare of the fire, tracking the leaping mountain of flames to the hole in the roof and skirting around cautiously until he could lay Kili by the wall furthest away.

Kneeling on the floor beside his nephew, Thorin allowed his guard to slip momentarily. Open concern shone in his eyes as he pressed his hand against Kili's forehead, tensing at the broiling fever that stole the boy's breath away and left him panting in soft, uneven rasps. His gaze torn with foreboding, Thorin pillowed Kili's head in his lap and carefully pulled the cumbersome cloak from his limp form. With trembling fingers he adjusted the dingy, mud colored hair over the scar marring Kili's face, knowing his nephew would not wish for a stranger to see the mark that set him apart as a slave.

Gandalf's voice began to drone as though from a distance, his tale slowly unraveling as Beorn listened distractedly. His attention was focused more on the pitiable creature brought to his doorstep, however, and he presently held up a hand for Gandalf to be silent. The Wizard's eyes flickered to the door, where unbeknownst to Beorn a pair of Dwarrow would soon be joined by two others, until a half hour later a quaint gathering would be resting outside, waiting for Gandalf's signal to enter.

Unconcerned with the proceedings, Oin quietly went about his work and set a kettle in the outer coals of the fire to boil water. With a calculative glance he laid out the last of his herbs and bandages, gladly accepting a large jar of salve Beorn claimed would assist with the worst of the infections. Reluctantly Thorin moved aside to allow the healer through, wordlessly supplicating that Oin have only words of encouragement to offer. A small, tight smile was all that Oin could manage; they both knew such mercies would be denied them.

There was no point in salvaging the filthy rags Kili wore. With a grimace at the stench Oin sliced away the shirt, his face darkening when the material stuck in dark blotches where blood had sealed it to the Dwarf's wounds. A long, quiet sigh was statement enough; Kili's state was worse than the healer had envisioned.

"By Mahal, this one has a will to live," Oin shook his head, soaking the cloth in tepid water to erode the worst of the encrusting. "I have seen stalwart warriors fade from lesser wounds."

The comment did little to ease Thorin's fear, and his eyes flitted to regard Oin darkly before he returned his attention to Kili. The young Dwarf shuddered at the touch of lukewarm water, goosebumps raising on his skin as his fever battled the cooling element. As Oin continued to work, his emotions steeled for the task before him, Thorin's anger rose until he could scarcely control himself for the sight before him.

Not an inch of Kili's upper body appeared to have been spared. Rope-like scars crossed his chest, arms and shoulders from the bite of the lash. Several of them were ridged or speckled with uneven patches, the flat end of a knife seared into flesh to prevent infection. Dark swelling crippled the right shoulder, the bone having been dislocated and jammed back into place recently. Lingering bruises peppered Kili's torso in various hues of sickly green and purple, the old overlapping the new. Oin lightly assessed the ribcage, estimating three cracked ribs and one dangerously close to snapping. Two dips in the left side indicated a similar injury from years ago that had never healed properly. On the left side of Kili's torso a raw patch of flesh secreted iridescent fluid where the had skin been flayed away, sand and rock grit burrowing into the wound in lumps of silt colored infection.

Even these were not the worst injuries, and Thorin forced himself to remain still as every instinct urged at him to hunt down the closest Orc pack and dismember them piece by piece. Beneath the tattered, ragged sleeves a stretch of reddened, pocked skin on Kili's right arm reached from the elbow to the tips of his fingers. Another mark of the same consistency covered his left wrist, forearm and the back of his hand. Burn scars, spinning a gruesome tale to invoke the worst of nightmares in an experienced warrior. Simmering fury pulsed through him and Thorin clenched his fists, unable to imagine the extent of injuries they would find on Kili's back.

Oin remained deceptively calm, maintaining a facade beyond Thorin's comprehension as he laid Kili on his stomach on a thin blanket that Beorn had procured. The tattered remains of Kili's shirt clung in strips of rusted brown across his back, and Oin did not attempt to remove them at once. A soaked cloth was spread over the wounds, muddy trails dripping down Kili's side and staining the blanket beneath him.

The trousers were cut away next, the material peeling away easily without clotted blood stains matting it together. Though not as horrific, the damage made Thorin's leg wound appear trivial in comparison. The left leg was twisted at a slight angle, testifying a complex break that was set improperly, rendering a permanent limp. Scrapes and shallow gashes were spattered with debris, and one particularly ragged cut was already festering. It was the jagged gouges surrounding the flesh higher up on Kili's ankles that elicited a dark curse from Oin, and he nearly had to banish Thorin from the vicinity for the horrified anger emanating from him.

_Rat bites._

Slaves could tuck their hands under their arms and bury their faces in their knees as a semblance of protection, but nothing could hold back the grotesque creatures forever. Two inch long incisions sliced through skin and muscle, some of the bites torn from when Kili had kicked the nimble attackers away. It was a wonder his feet were not in worse condition than Oin had seen; to gnaw off the toes and fingers of a senseless victim was not uncommon for the voracious rodents.

The gruesome manner of injuries was nauseating to behold, and Oin had not even inspected Kili's back yet. With dread in his heart the healer pulled a second blanket up to the shivering lad's waist before gently peeling the soaked rags away. At the sight Thorin swore explosively and slammed his fist into his knee, trembling with the effort to remain in control. Oin cast him a sharp glower, his warning needing no interpretation.

_Make yourself useful or go sit with Gandalf in the corner._

His expression shadows with despair, Thorin nodded reluctantly and moved back a pace, allowing Oin to work yet refusing to leave his nephew's side. Accepting a cloth soaked in hot water from Beorn, Oin set himself to the grim task of releasing the oozing, fetid poison from sixteen deep lashes ripped into Kili's back and shoulders. Some rents were only a few days old, standing out in raw, bloody welts across the multiple streaks which laced Kili's skin in a net of white and reddened scars. A few whip lashes were nearly healed, while still others had been recently branded. In three places the whip had struck twice. Each gash was crudely strung together with what looked like horse hair, beads of thick, tacky yellow fluid springing from the edges at the slightest pressure. The stench was putrescent and Thorin visibly flinched and drew back slightly.

Oin did not spare Thorin a glance, the tension in his shoulders speaking for him. Where could he expect to begin with such wounds, when infection had returned with a vengeance after the negligence of the Goblins' cruel practices? Not since the battle for Moria had Oin witnessed this manner of injuries. Had Kili not displayed an inconceivable determination to cling to life, the healer would have declared the situation hopeless. The boy never ceased to astound him, however, and Oin hoped that whatever threads of willpower Kili was fighting by, he would continue to hold on until the interminable end.

For Thorin, all comprehension of time fazed into an endless reel of blood and despair. Hours flitted by as Oin washed the layers of grime from Kili's body, preventing further infection before he moved on to cleansing and suturing the graphic wounds. As before, Gandalf stood by to hold Kili back from the plummeting edge of darkness. This time his visions were unnecessary, for not once did the young Dwarf stir. Thorin would have preferred the screams. At least then he would have known that Kili had the strength to fight back against the pain.

Twelve times Beorn emptied the pot of soiled water and fetched more from the stream. The first time he re-entered he muttered something about "beggars on my doorstep," closing the door with grudging finality behind him. On the second occasion he paused in the doorway and argued quietly to one of those outside that on no account could _any_ be permitted to enter and interfere with the healer's work, no matter what family relations they might share with the injured one. The third trip and those following afterward were delayed long enough to test Oin's patience, but Thorin was grateful for the rumbled words which drifted into the carrock as Beorn relayed what he knew to D_i_s, Fili and whomever else Thorin could surmise would be anxiously hovering by the doorstep.

The Skinchanger never once berated them for bringing one so ill into his home. Rather he proved an invaluable asset to Oin, supplying needle and thread for the larger gashes, salves and dried herbs to boil into poultices, clean rags to sop up pus streaked blood and infection, scissors and a sharper, thinner knife than the one Oin had used previously, mead and a honey based concoction of Beorn's own to cleanse the wounds, and so many bandages that soon little of Kili's upper body was visible under the swathes of cloth.

The problem of the manacles was Oin's final task. It was Nori who was ushered inside, amidst Fili's howled protests when he himself was forced to remain. The thief's lockpicks proved useless at first for the dirt and blood caked into the locks' mechanisms. Oin was forced to soak Kili's hands and wrists in warm water until the grit had softened enough to be scraped away, and even so it was nearly impossible for Nori to maneuver his thin wires to turn the stiffened bolts. Thorin found himself counting the seconds as fifteen minutes crawled by with no success. With a groaning squeal the locks gave way at last, one bolt snapping Nori's pick in half as though to spite its victorious adversary.

Once more Oin had to soak Kili's wrists, this time using oil to soften the scabs and ease the cruel metal away. After years of labor the lad had yet to develop the proper callouses to protect his wrists from the continual chaffing. Skin and tissue was torn as the manacles were removed, leaving identical rings of raw, open sores.

Nori flexed his hands and awkwardly fled the scene, striding away with quiet urgency to escape the gruesome sight. A soft gasp broke the terse silence and Thorin glanced up swiftly, his jaw falling slack in rebuke as he caught sight of Dis edging around the door frame. Fili peeked over her shoulder and with a small cry he ducked under his Mother's restraining arm, ignoring Beorn's warning growl as he dashed to the opposite side of the carrock and slid against the wall across from Oin.

"Fili!" Gandalf began to order. His command was broken off by Fili's fervent imploring as the young Dwarf requested,

"I will not move from here or create any further disturbances, I promise. _Please_, Uncle, I cannot stay out there any longer."

Thorin opened his mouth to argue the point, only for Oin to sigh in resignation. "Dash it all, let the boy remain. I am almost finished here, and they have endured the waiting long enough."

Rather than seat herself beside Fili, D_i_s settled down beside the roaring fire; as close to her son as she could manage without Oin ushering her away. Her gaze was reproachful as she glanced at Thorin, as though her brother was the one to blame for her being kept away from her child while he was hurting. Her heart would not rest quietly until Kili was safely in her arms once more.

Fili had gnawed his nails down to stubs, a few flecks of blood testifying that his anxiety had not stopped him there. Not since the initial torturous years after Kili had vanished had Thorin seen his nephew so nerve-wracked. Fili's gaze never once strayed from his brother's face, his eyes haunted with pity and regret. Thorin could only guess the condemning thoughts running through his mind. Later he would have to re-address the matter, lest Fili retreat into that resilient, antagonistic rebel he had conformed to for years after Kili's "death."

Now was neither the time nor the place, however. A wave of exhaustion declared to Thorin that he had already pushed himself past his limit. He could not recall a time that he was more relieved than when Oin set Kili's bandaged wrists down and announced there was nothing more to do now save to control the fever.

Before Thorin could comprehend what was taking place D_i_s flitted to her son's side and pulled him away, settling Kili in her own embrace and whispering words of endearment and comfort that the boy was incapable of hearing. Oin had to dart out of the way as Fili launched forward, his expression torn with apprehension as he pleaded with the healer over and over that Kili was "_Only unconscious, he's going to be okay now, right?"_

"I hope so, lad."

Empty promises to console a shattered soul. There were times when Oin wanted to forget that he was a healer and walk away, never to look back upon the jagged failures of his life's work. Innumerable times he had watched hope burst into light one moment, only to stand by helplessly as that small flare was crushed under the insurmountable weight of grief. Oin could not imagine the devastation that would rip through this broken family should Kili pass in the night. He did not want to be responsible for one more whisper of life that would slip through his flailing grasp.

_"I certainly hope so,"_ Oin whispered again, the words reserved only for his inner doubts.

Thorin was the only one who caught the lilt of foreboding in the healer's voice. A shutter fell across his eyes and he clenched his hand around the tiny gleam of tarnished silver that had slipped free of the bundle of rags Beorn had tossed into the fire. He had not come this far only to lose his nephew to the aftermath of the Goblins' wrath. He _would not_ allow Kili to slip away; not this time.

A grim hush had fallen over the carrock. Beorn's grumbling acceptance for the other Dwarrow to come in for the night was muted, the guests entering silently and instinctively drawing close to the small huddle in the corner of the room. The Skinchanger's intrigue in Gandalf's tale was diminished, his interest captivated only by the dictation of the Goblin battle and the revelation of the pitiful "Dwarfling" that had taken shelter in his home.

The fire crackled in a haze, its brilliant flames casting an eerie pallor on Kili's gaunt, scarred features. Even with the filth and blood washed away, Thorin could not recognize the boy who had been taken from them decades before. Regret lanced through him and he wondered what could have happened if he had _know _back then that Kili was still alive; if he would have been able to track down his nephew's captors and rescue him before it was too late.

The window of the past was barred to him, however, and Thorin knew that reminiscing would no more rectify his mistake than it would bring back Frerin and Thrain. He could only pray that he would still have the chance to see a glimpse of the child they had once loved, for he feared that Kili's spirit had been buried long ago, and that no Wizard's spell nor healer's remedy would revive the spark of life that had been quenched.

Now that hope had been revived, however, Thorin could not force himself to believe that Kili was lost to them forever. They _would_ find a way to bring Kili back; soul, mind and body. This Thorin swore, his grip clenching around the silver bead until blood was drawn from his palm. No matter what it took, he would not allow the enemy to win. He would see to it that Kili returned safely to the Blue Mountains, never to be tormented by his captors again.

A quiet, solemn oath was determined in that moment. Thorin knew he could not force his nephew to blindly follow them to the heart of the Mountain. It would tear Fili apart to make his decision between following the quest or guarding his brother, but Thorin saw no other way. He would not allow Kili to die by the hand of Orc, Goblin or Dragon.

The boy could not accompany them any further.

* * *

**And thus it ends just like I Will Protect You ... NOT!**

**The Muses have plans. X) This is only the beginning...**


	10. Bitter Failure

_Blazing heat engulfed him; consumed him; devoured him alive even while he fed more coals into the throat of The Dragon. A few coals rattled over the side of the shovel, only half making it into the iron forge. Fire snapped across his back and Kili fell to one knee, his head thrown back as a cry was wrenched past clenched teeth. Sharp nails pierced his shoulder and he was dragged to his feet and slammed against the wall, a second lash doubling him over as blood trickled down his chest. _

_A Goblin's furious scowl filled his vision and Kili balked in terror as vehement words were spat in his face. The railing dug into his back from behind, his foot slipping on the edge as he was pressed harder against the groaning metal. Claw like appendages closed around his throat; strangling him; clenching every last breath from his aching body. Further hateful words were spoken, the garbled translation lost in a haze of blackness as Kili's eyes rolled back in his head._

_Suddenly the railing gave way beneath him and he was left dangling over empty air, clutching feebly at the hands grasping his throat as his feet kicked in vain for purchase. Hoarse cackles goaded his tormentor, who loosened its grip long enough for Kili to draw a ragged breath and cry out as he nearly slipped to his death. Instantly the long fingers clamped tighter, slowly crushing his vocal chords and drawing blood from ten crescent gouges on his neck. _

_A breathy whine was evoked from Kili and he forced his eyes upwards, straining through the muddled clouds of grey to silently beg for mercy like they wanted him to. __**Beg**__, like the worthless cur that he was. Unworthy of their kindness in sparing his life as the Goblin cast him back onto the rutted floor and kicked him in the stomach. Unworthy of their forgiveness as they allotted no further punishment, throwing him against the searing wall of the forge and ordering him back to work._

_He did not know what he had done wrong, only that he could not afford to make the same mistake. Kili's hands shook as he grasped the shovel and stumbled back to his place, the blasting heat of The Dragon's Throat once more suffocating him as he struggled to heft another scoop of live coals back into the open flames..._

* * *

In his arms Kili whimpered softly and arched away, fear twisting his expression as he clutched the blanket in one hand and grasped Fili's knee with the other. Fili sucked in a sharp breath and fought the urge to let his brother go, terrified that he would hurt Kili further if he continued to restrain him. Oin had made it clear that Kili could not released at any moment, however, lest in his delirium he roll into the fire or re-open his wounds with his struggles.

The company had taken turns sitting up beside the feverish Dwarf during the night, holding him down when the nightmares threw him into convulsions or when Oin needed to change the bandages. The constant screams and pitiful mewls for mercy drained on Fili's strength more than the physical pain lingering from his previous fall. He could only hold onto his brother tightly, tears trickling down his cheeks when Kili tried to bash his head against the floor to escape the agony, or when he tore a suture in his back twisting to evade an unseen foe. So explicit was his anguish that Fili could almost feel the whip striking his own back, or the mark of the brand searing into his cheek. He winced when Kili whimpered in hopeless misery and fell silent, longing to turn back time and wipe away the years of his brother's torment.

_This is all my fault_. Sniffing hard, Fili willed back the tears that filled his eyes and hunched over his brother's limp form. _I'm so sorry, Kili. I should have stopped them from taking you away. I should have been braver; stronger; faster. _

Did he not care enough, that he had allowed Kili to fall into their clutches without a struggle? Had he not loved his brother enough to be willing to fight to his death so that Kili would be safe? How could he have failed his brother so deeply?

_I did this to you, _Fili realized, the weight of a hammer striking him to the core as he recognized the empty shell that had once been his lively, adventurous little brother. _I let them enslave you; break you; carve away everything you knew until you could no longer recognize me._

His brother had been a slave for almost fifty-five years of his life, all because Fili had failed to protect him.

...

_"Come on, Fili!" Kili called, bouncing up on the oaken limb a few times to test its stability. "It's perfectly fine!"_

_"It's a tree," Fili grumped, folding his arms and refusing to give in to his brother's goading. "What in Middle Earth would possess me to climb that ... that rickety, dead thing that could fall under you at any minute?" _

_"I'm not going to fall," Kili wrinkled his nose. _

_Fili snorted and rolled his eyes. __**You're the one supposed to be scared of heights, Kili, **__he considered wryly. A pity he had managed to break his brother of that fear. Maybe he should have convinced him that the hayloft was a terrifying place to be stuck after all._

_"Come __**on**__, Fili," Kili appealed once more, adding a pitiful 'You're ignoring me and now see how sad I am?' look at the end. _

_Fili could not help a grin and he shook his head, lobbing a pine cone at his little brother and ducking behind the tree before a similar implement could be launched. Kili's eyes widened and he nearly toppled to the ground, his breath leaving him in an 'oof!' as he landed on his stomach and wrapped his arms around the stout limb, scrabbling with one foot for purchase. Fili's heart leaped in his throat and he raced to catch his brother, terrified that Kili might fall on his account. Moss and bark rained down on his face and he grimaced and tossed his hair, glowering up at a cheeky, beaming Kili as the younger regained his footing and dropped a handful of acorns one by one on Fili's head._

_"If Mum hadn't said she'd make Balin apprentice me as a scribe if I dragged you back covered in mud one more time, you'd be wallowing in the riverbank right now," Fili muttered, folding his arms and casting his brother a scathing glare. The twinkle in his eyes belayed his threat and Kili only grinned wider, reaching above him to hoist himself onto a higher branch._

_Fili shifted nervously, the crawling sensation at the back of his neck aggravating him. Something felt off. Rolling his shoulders to ease the strange anxiety he felt, Fili tucked his hands in his pockets and glanced around. Thorin always said a good tracker paid attentions to his surroundings. Animals should wander freely once they realize playful young Dwarrow indicate no harm toward them. Birds should warble in the trees and insects rattle as they scramble to evade natural predators. _

_Silence was never an indication that all was well._

_Silence meant storms; blizzards in the winter and gales and thunder in the summer. Silence meant that a hunter was close by; a snake or a bear or perhaps even a trapper slinking through the forest. Silence could mean that a fire was slowly approaching downwind, picking up speed faster than the sound of its travel until the entire forest was ablaze and no creature could escape its wrath._

_The forest was eerily silent, and Fili cursed softly in Khuzdul as he realized they were nowhere near home._

_"You shouldn't say that," Kili reminded softly, his expression concerned as he picked up on his brother's tension. He shifted on his perch and cautiously rose to his feet, shuddering in the light wind and scanning the nearby wood for any signs of disturbance._

_A sharp woosh through the air was the only warning before there was a solid __**'crack'**__ followed by a piercing scream. Before Fili could move Kili plunged to the earth, falling hard on his right shoulder and arching his back as a second cry was torn from his throat. _

_"Kili!"_

_Fili dashed to his brother's side, the blood rushing from his face and leaving him swaying dizzily on his feet. Kili's wide, terrified eyes met his and a weight settled in Fili's chest, horror filling him as he saw the bloodied, jagged metal wrapped around his little brother's legs. __What should he do? His mind blanked and Fili was left gaping and scrambling for answers._

_'Mahal, Durin, __Aulë_... Uncle Thorin, what am I supposed to _**do **__about this?'_

_None of his Uncle's teachings had ever prepared Fili for the gruesome sight of the bolas twisted around his brother's legs. Thin wires of metal that had been flayed from the chain links dragged into skin and muscle. Kili was hyperventilating, shock and pain overwhelming him as blood trickled down his legs and soaked into his trousers. _

_"Fee - Fili? __**Fili**__! __**Fili!"**_

_His panicked screams tore into Fili's heart and he collapsed in a heap beside his brother, pulling Kili into his arms and garbling nonsense as he searched in vain for a means to alleviate his anguish._

_"It's okay, Kili, I - I'll get Mum! I'll find Uncle Thorin and - and Oin, and - It's okay, Kili! I've got you! You're going to be all right!"_

_"Get it off!" Kili wailed, wrenching his legs and shrieking as the metal dug further into his calves. "Get it off, Fili!"_

_"No - no, hold still, Kili! You - you're only making it worse!" Desperate, Fili wrapped his arms securely around his brother and held him tighter, begging him to stop moving as Kili thrashed to escape._

_His please were drowned out Kili's moans as the wounded Dwarf twisted in Fili's grip, howling as the slightest movement aggravated the chains buried into his legs. _

_"I want Uncle Thorin!" Kili panted, yowling as a fresh wave of agony danced up his legs. It felt as though a writhing nest of snakes had sunk their fangs into his calves, seeping fiery venom into his blood. His legs were surely broken, swollen logs of bubbling, molten blood pieced with fragments of cartilage. Rivers of soldered iron ran through his veins, and over a dozen red hot nails had been driven to the bone before his ankles were lashed together with a welded chain that weighed more than an anvil. _

_Again Kili screamed, throwing his head against the ground as though the stars pinwheeling his vision could overcome the hammer slamming against his legs over and over. Fili sobbed helplessly and yanked his brother upright, a wave vertigo nearly spiraling Kili into unconsciousness as the movement jostled his injuries._

_Suddenly a hand grabbed his shoulder and Fili was thrown aside, guttural hoots of laughter filling his ears as Goblins flooded the space between him and his brother. Kili's screams became those of terror and he groped for Fili's hand, crying out as he was torn away from his protector. Goblins thronged them in numbers too great to count, pinning Fili to the earth and grappling his hands behind his back. He could no longer hear Kili, and the thought frightened Fili most of all._

_Shouting his brother's name, Fili slammed his foot into the closest Goblin's nose and wrenched one hand free. He yanked his dagger from his boot and waved it sparaticaly, buying himself precious seconds as several Goblins leaped back with shallow slices in their arms or hands. One growled and grasped the blond Dwarf's hair, slamming Fili's face into the ground until his vision swam in a blur of murky green. Another Goblin stamped on his wrist and Fili released his hold on the dagger, panic seizing him as he realized their situation was hopeless. _

_There were too many of them. He and Kili would die, with no chance of rescue and no one to bury them honorably when the Goblins had killed them. Fili had sneaked out to hear the tales of horror when Mum thought he was in bed, and now he wished he had never heard of the methods used to slay a Goblin's victims Nausea filled him as he realized Kili was also one of their prisoners now, and a silent, incomprehensible plea was tearfully choked out as Fili begged __Aulë _or Mahal or any of higher beings to let his brother's death be swift and merciful.

_Spidery hands grasped his feet and instinctively Fili kicked back, yelping as his forehead was bashed against the ground once more. Fists pounded into his head, arms, back and legs, and he swallowed a sob of frightened pain as a strip of rawhide was lashed around his ankles. _

_Why could he not have paid better attention to his environment? Why could he not have dragged Kili home the instant the forest stilled, instead of allowing his brother to delay the trip with one more tree that __**had to **__be climbed? How could he have failed so terribly? How could he have allowed himself and his brother to be captured by an enemy Fili knew would surely never release them alive?_

_The thought sent tears coursing down Fili's dirt streaked face. Not for himself did he weep, though the knowledge of the Goblins' cruel intent certainly terrified him, but the majority of his fear lay with the plight of his little brother. Once more Fili begged that somehow Kili would be granted the mercy of a painless death. _

_A bellow of outrage scattered the Goblins as the glistening sheen of an axe blade sliced through necks and carved through the skulls of those too quick to retreat. Fili dared to lift his eyes, hope filling him as he saw Thorin standing over him, his axe blackened with the blood of his nephew's captors. Thorin's eyes blazed with fury, his expression twisted in hatred as he swung his weapon around to sever the leg of one Goblin which dived to slice the throat of its small prey. The yipping, screeching creatures scattered as Dwalin surged into the fray, his double-headed axe scattering limbs and corpses in a rain of dark blood._

_Sensing its inevitable doom yet determining one last, fell stroke for its enemies, a Goblin missing one foot hobbled forward and pulled Fili back, ramming a spear through the back of his leg and yowling in triumph when the young Dwarf screamed. A bloodied shaft of metal pierced through flesh just above the knee, globs of crimson dripping onto the crumpled leaves. Fili thought his leg would melt under the pulsing magma which consumed the limb and he fell limp in the Goblin's hold. Blood filled his mouth when he jammed the tip of his tongue between his teeth, a wordless gurgle erupting from his throat as he began to shriek and holler until his voice was ragged and his mind too fogged to comprehend anything but the __**agony**__ devouring his leg._

_Thorin roared in anger and swung his axe backwards, the dulled end crushing the Goblin's skull from the sheer force of the blow. Dwalin shifted to guard Thorin's back, his axe twirling in flashes of obsidian and silver as he fended off the lingering creatures. Battle cries accompanied his as Bifur and Bofur sprang into the clearing, swords and knives glinting in the afternoon light as the enemy melted before the trio's furious onslaught._

_"Fili! Fili, __**look at me!**__" _

_Wrenching his eyes open, Fili met Thorin's frantic gaze, tears filling his stricken, terrified eyes as he begged tremulously, "K-Kili? Did you..."_

_Thorin paled as he swiveled to see the retreating backs of the Goblin hoard. "Dwalin!" he shouted, swinging Fili into his arms and breathing a short apology at the child's cry of pain._

_"Take him to Oin!" Thorin ordered curtly, bundling his nephew into Dwalin's arms. "And see to it that D_i_s is safe!" He ignored the aghast look on the warrior's face as Dwalin realized he was being told to abandon the younger child in order to save the elder. "Now, Dwalin!" _

_Grim resolve hardened Dwalin's gaze, filtered by the sheen of betrayal as he realized he was leaving Kili in the Goblin's clutches. Fili struggled against him, screaming as the wound in his leg flared anew._

_"No! No, Dwalin, go back!" He gasped for breath, yanking on the elder Dwarf's coat and imploring him to listen. "No! They've got... they've got Kili! Dwalin, go back! Go back!"_

_His pleas were ignored and Fili crumbled against the warrior, hiccuping cries of pain interspersed with the anguish tearing him to pieces inside. He had lost his little brother. Kili was gone, and it was all his fault._

_Through the journey back the words repeated; haunting his dreams as he slipped into darkness when Oin removed the spear from his leg; whispering in cruel tidings when he woke to see D_i_s hovering frantically above him; mocking him when she __ran out with a hopeful sob and Fili fell to the floor, dragging himself to the doorway of his room before Bofur carried him punching and struggling back to his bed, where he collapsed in a fit of hysterical tears as his Mother's scream of denial affirmed the worst._

_Kili was dead. Fili would never see his little brother again, and it was no one's fault but his own._

* * *

"Fili? Fili, look at me."

With a wretched cry Fili snapped out of his daze, tears filling his eyes as he looked into his Mother's compassionate gaze. With gentle hands she cupped his face and lifted his chin, silently beseeching that he look at her and understand.

"Whatever you are thinking right now, _it was not your fault_," she whispered. "You _rescued_ your little brother. He is here now, and he is safe. What happened in the past is behind him now."

"I should have been more careful!" Fili choked, squeezing his eyes shut and bending to press his brow against his brother's head. "I should never have let them take him!"

D_i_s' mouth pressed in a firm line, her eyes filled with empathy as she ran her hand through her eldest son's hair. "The Goblin raids covered most of the ground between the lower villages and the upper region of the Mountains," she corrected softly. "You could never have made it back alone."

Tears glimmered in her own eyes and she swept back Kili's damp bangs, biting her lip as she whispered, "I **knew** that day that something dreadful was certain to happen." Closing her eyes, D_i_s shook her head as a shimmering droplet trickled down her cheek. "Call it a premonition or simply a Mother's instinct... Somehow I knew should never allow you two to set off on your own."

"It wasn't your fault," Fili croaked, desperate to remove the self-condemnation from his Mother's tone.

D_i_s smiled bitterly, her eyes brimming with sorrow. "Do you not believe that Thorin and I blame ourselves every day for what we failed to prevent?" Broken, quiet sobs coursed through her and she ran her hand across Kili's cheek, covering the mark with her palm as tears pattered down on his fevered brow. "Do you not realize that every day I have longed to see my child run through the door so that I may pull him into my arms? Every child I saw was a fresh reminder that my own would never return."

"Don't..." Fili pleaded, the wave of his Mother's grief too much for him to bear.

D_i_s was lost in her own thoughts, however, her eyes fixated on her youngest's face as she stroked her thumb across his cheek, memorizing every detail. "Every little thing reminded me of Kili," she whispered. "His room... the toys he never picked up that morning... I could not put them away. His ... his jacket lying on the floor beside the fire. That ... that s_tupid cat_ I could never get out of the house!"

The weight was too much to bear and she collapsed into Thorin's embrace, clutching her brother's neck and sobbing into his shoulder. Thorin's gaze was distant and forlorn, his own regret drowning him in a sea of remorse even while he comforted his sister. Fili felt as though he was intruding on their grief and he looked away, swallowing hard against the aching lump in his throat as he rode out the tidal wave of sorrow.

Dis might say it was not Fili's fault, but she could not comprehend his loss. She did not see the trauma in Kili's eyes and compare it to the absolute trust of the former days. She did not see his broken, scarred hands and remember a small bow and arrow that had been left in a corner of the room the day the Goblins raided. She did not return to the forest to look upon an old, battle marred tree and remember the blood and the screams as the most precious thing in the world was handed over to the enemy.

She had not seen how frail Kili had become when Fili had found him.

She had not watched him crumble against the tunnel wall in hysterical sobs as he waited for his brother to kill him for his mistakes.

She had not threatened him with a fate worse than death in order to force him to do as he was told.

She had not watched him stumble to the tree, barely able to think past the certainty that he would be tortured and left to die so that his brother could escape with his life.

She had not turned him away as Fili had when Kili clutched his arm for comfort, floundering in his despair and anguish as the the Eagles swept them away.

No, Dis could not possibly understand what Fili was going through. She had no idea what extent of betrayal her "perfect" eldest had fallen to. For all her kind words, Fili was still the one who had allowed Kili to be torn from their lives. He had been careless and ill prepared, and later thoughtless and cruel as the Goblins with his words and deeds. He would not make that mistake in the future; Kili was too fragile to survive another betrayal.

_I will never, **never** lose sight of you again,_ Fili swore, gently squeezing his brother's hand as though his promise could hold back the nightmares haunting Kili's dreams.

Remorse flooded him anew, for the damage was already too great for Fili to bear. The stricken look in his kid brother's dark eyes had matured to a haunted terror of all that Kili had known, and nothing could abate the fear that governed his life. Fili could not hope to erase the memories or the scars. His brother would never be the same again, and whether or not D_i_s allowed him to accept his lot, Fili knew he would never forgive himself for what he had done.

A greater part of Fili still wanted to slay every Goblin in the realm of Middle Earth to atone for his crimes, but he could no longer afford to take any chances. No longer could he believe that it mattered little whether he lived or died. Who would take care of Kili if Fili was killed in battle? Who would hold his brother when he was frightened, or calm his anxiety when Oin wanted to see to his wounds? Who would assure Kili that he was not alone; that he was freed of the Goblins' hold forever and no mistakes on his part would ever cause them to throw him away?

His brother _needed_ him here, and Fili swore he would never allow Kili to be taken away. If the Goblins were to claim their own once more, then Fili would fight Thorin back and be kidnapped along with his brother. If Azog was to slay Kili, his sword must first pierce through Fili's own heart. No hurt would come to his brother while Fili was yet alive to prevent it. _No one_ would so much as touch him without a sword piercing through their own neck.

_Forgive me, Kili. I'm so, so sorry. _He did not know if his brother even remembered the Goblin raid, and if he did, Fili never expected Kili to forgive him for his betrayal. His condemnation would be deserved.

_I failed you before, but I promise I will __**never **__do so again. Even if you learn to hate me for what was done to you, I will always be there to guard you. Orc and Goblin will regret the day they took you captive, for I will see to it that you have justice for what they did to you._

_I promised that no one would ever harm you, and I renew that oath now. I will keep you safe, even if all else is lost and the Mountain burns before us. Not even the Dragon's flames will touch you should we fail - and we will __**not**__ fail, for we have everything to fight for, now._

Kili murmured in his delirium and Fili pulled him close, wrapping Thorin's cloak more securely around his brother and pillowing his chin on Kili's hair. "I will be here for you... always," he assured. "You will never be alone again."


	11. The Awakening

**This segment was not supposed to happen, but Italian Hobbit convinced me that I needed to have Kili cry in this chapter. Hence the angst. ;)**

* * *

He felt warm.

Not like the forges, where it was too hot to breathe and the air was dry and scorching against his cracked throat. Not like the heat of a fever, when his vision swam and he slipped into darkness wondering if he would ever have the chance to open his eyes again. This was a comfortable, _safe_ warmth, like the soft glow of firelight against his cheeks as he huddled under a blanket during a midwinter storm.

The memory of vivid blue cloth and soft material scrunching under his hands brought a touch of a smile to Kili's face. The faintest whiff of something scalding hot yet wondrously delicious teased the back of his mind, causing him to cringe in yearning. His stomach clenched in protest and he licked dry and cracked lips, almost able to taste the subtle, earthy flavor of a feast he could no longer put a name to.

Gentle hands sifted through his hair and he relaxed at the touch, sighing softly as the humming of a lullaby cajoled him to return to the comfortable darkness.

"I think he's coming around, Oin."

The words were like the clang of a hammer slamming against iron, jarring Kili from the verge of sleep. Awareness came suddenly and harshly, his wounds flaring to life as sensation returned. Kili hissed and bit down on his lip until blood was drawn, wincing as the familiar ache in his back rose up with a vengeance.

_The irritated howl of the taskmaster resounded in his ears, the whisper of the lash brushing against his arm before his nerves were set afire in five twisted rivulets. With a shrill yelp he scrambled to his knees, his eyes widening as the ropes twirled mid-air and flew towards him. He flung one arm up to protect his face, gasping in anticipation of barbed metal tearing into his arm and shoulder..._

"Kili? Oin, what is going on?"

Blurred shapes swam in the fire's glow. Shadows lurched towards him with long, tendril like fingers, eager to drag him to the fire's edge. Panic jolted through Kili and he tensed, drawing his knees up to his chest as though he could ward off the worst of the blows. He had learned his lesson well after the first few months: those who failed to wake upon the first calling were yanked to the living world by the jagged tendrils of a whip dragged across their skin. Instinctively he knew he had slept too long.

_How many lashes do I deserve this time? If I break sooner, will they tire of their games and let me go? What if I gave them an excuse to practice their newest inventions?_

The Bonecrusher. The Skinflayer. The slow grinding of The Pulveriser, crushing the body in slow increments until sheer agony brought on madness long before death.

A wretched cry broke free and Kili buried his face in his arms, violent shivers wracking through him. Stronger arms pinned him down and he screamed in terror, falling limp as he waited for them to drag him to the machines and strap him to the blood soaked contraptions.

"_Kili! _It is all right! You are safe; no one is trying to hurt you!"

He blinked painfully, blackness hazing his vision for an instant before the shadows manifested into the individual members of Fili's family. _His family_, he should remember, though Kili was uncertain if he was permitted to count himself among them yet. Shame filled him as he realized how weak and cowardly he had reacted, for he knew he was letting slip the frail chance he had of being considered one of their own.

His thoughts were jolted as a hand brushed his shoulder, and Kili stiffened before his Mother's familiar voice sounded above him. "Kili, you have nothing to fear. You are safe now. Oin has tended to your wounds."

With a benign smile the healer nodded in greeting, "You gave us all a scare, young Kili. You were unconscious for nearly three days."

Kili frowned, trying to sort the words through his mind. He realized now that the pain was not as sharp as it had been when he had last woken. It had dulled from a knifing blaze to a low throb; almost a blessing compared to the sensation of every nerve being set afire in the sweltering throes of a fever. Kili rolled his shoulders slightly in curiosity, hissing as the fabric of an oddly spun tunic brushed against the swollen joint of his right shoulder. There seemed to be something wrong with his hands, but he could not discern what that might be.

The revelation struck with dreadful certainty, and the room spun around him as his lungs refused to draw in air.

Something was terribly, horribly wrong.

With a gasp Kili wrenched his eyes open, suddenly understanding the reason for his alarm. His wrists were too light, as though the familiar weight of the manacles had been stripped away. So long had he lived with the chaffing metal encasing his wrists that his arms felt lighter than a breath without them.

_Too light..._

... As though the hands themselves had been severed.

A muted cry was wrenched free and Kili did not dare glance down for confirmation. _They didn't ... please, they haven't... _

What had he done wrong? Had they punished him after all for the delay he had caused them? He had tried to do everything right so that he would not displease them, but he must have done something awful to merit ... _no, no, no, they didn't! They couldn't have!_

Fili had promised nothing would happen, and Kili had believed him. Yet even Fili backed down when the leader ordered him. Maybe his earlier apologies before had not been enough. Perhaps ...

A horrible thought crippled him with a chill of dread. Perhaps he was considered too much of a threat. They were afraid he would hurt Fili, their pride and treasure. A slave of the mines was too dangerous to trust. At any moment he could slide a dagger across someone's throat and no one would be able to stop him before ruby droplets spattered onto the floor.

_But why? You said you wanted me. You said I belonged to you! Why would I ever hurt him?_

_Why would you do this to me?_

Tears hazed his vision and Kili broke down, sobs tearing painfully through him as he tried in vain to understand. Maybe it was true that they still wanted him around, but they wanted him for the memory of the child they had lost; not because he was Kili. They could not abide the thought of a traitorous slave murdering their beloved Prince. Fili was the one they loved, not him. When faced with the choice of risking his death or giving Kili one last chance to be useful to them, they cut off the spare's hands without a thought.

The thought _hurt_ and he wailed in loss, turning away from the comforting hands as he choked on his own tears.

Why did they bother to keep him around any longer? Why did they force him to live? He was nothing now; not even comparable to a half starved dog. Before Kili could have pretended he was something; that he could help them in some small, insignificant way and earn their approval. Now he was less than an animal, unable to fend for himself or do the slightest thing on his own.

Abruptly the leader yanked him upright and began to shout in his face, his words fading like a dull echo in the roar filling Kili's ears. He shook his head in wild hysterics, unable to stop the flow of tears as he gagged and spluttered, utterly lost.

They did not want him any longer. They had lied to him all along. He was nothing to them, just as the Goblins had said. For so long he had tried to stay alive, surviving every torture for the fleeting hope that _someday_ he would be allowed to belong. For a brief moment Kili had had glimpsed that chance, and then they had taken his hands. He could not even tell himself he wanted to live any longer. There was nothing left for him to fight for, and Kili could no longer bring himself to care.

Open terror shone in the leader's eyes, and somehow this frightened Kili most of all. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to pull away, whimpering for the dread of the unknown. He could vaguely hear others shouting, the hands gripping his shoulders giving him a rough shake as the leader ordered him to calm down. His command was unheeded, his voice lost in the breaker of the storm.

Strong arms suddenly enveloped him, holding Kili close with a gentleness defying their might. Initially he struggled, writhing to free himself of the entrapment, before he gave up and collapsed with a broken sob. His eyes were listless and unseeing, tremulous cries hitching with each gasp as he struggled to come to terms with this last, crippling blow.

Ragged, uneven breaths matched his own and the fierce grip tightened around him, fear and dread and something Kili could not place emanating from the leader in waves of tension as Thorin whispered huskily,

"Kili, stop this now. _ ... Please."_

He could not regain control, pausing only briefly to drawn in a heaving gulp of air before releasing another moan of despair. It was all too fast; too much. He could not stop crying. Dark mists swam in his vision and he buried his face in the cloth of the leader's vest, no longer caring how weak and pathetic and useless he appeared. Nothing mattered any more. He just wanted it all to end.

"_Kili._ Calm down."

The order was soft and nonthreatening, yet it carried the weight of authority that _compelled _Kili to listen. He could not disobey.

Clamping his lower lip between his teeth, Kili forced himself to still marginally, unable to halt the shuddering, rapid gasps. Muted whimpers still escaped and he clutched Thorin's vest, renewed tears of dejection slipping down his cheeks. He could not perform even the simplest of tasks any longer. Why did they bother with him?

"_Breathe,_ Kili_."_

A aching gulp was drawn into his lungs, followed by a heart wrenching cry as the oxygen only lent strength to his depression. Thorin's hand squeezed his shoulder imploringly, and Kili was incapable of rebellion as the command was repeated.

_"Breathe."_

Slower, deeper gasps followed, the room righting itself as the grey haze began to lift. Fili's horror stricken eyes met his and Kili ducked away, unable to look at the one he had thought he could call _brother_. With an anguished cry he sank against Thorin, hiding his face and winding his fingers in the soft fabric as he tried desperately to _understand why_.

Realization trickled in slowly and Kili drew in a hitched, startled gasp as his racing thoughts whirled to a halt. He dared to look, shivering for fear of the bloody stumps he would find. A sheen of moisture wrought by panic hampered his sight, and it was a few moments before Kili could blink it away long enough to see his bandaged wrists.

Another cry was evoked, this time of relief when he saw his hands had not been severed as he feared. Tentatively he flexed his fingers, nearly sobbing for joy when they obeyed his command. He had no tears left to cry as he stared in mute disbelief at his whole, bandaged hands. A ludicrous, broken smile twitched at the corners of his mouth as he experimentally clenched and unclenched his fingers, unable to contain his wonder.

The manacles were gone, swathes of white cloth left in their place. Kili was fascinated with the clean, stainless material, unable to believe that they had used such beautiful cloth for the likes of _him_. He lifted one wrist experimentally, a wide, stupid grin spreading across his face when no burdensome chains impeded him. Never had he felt so light; so _free_. They had not crippled him after all; rather, for the first time Kili felt like he was truly released from his prison.

Regret flooded him as he realized how abhorrently he had behaved, condemning those who had helped him instead of thanking them for their unsurpassable kindness. His smile faded and Kili fell back against Thorin, screwing up his eyes in a wave of self-condemnation as he murmured dejectedly,

"'M s-sorry."

A quavering, heartfelt sigh was released as Thorin pulled him close, cradling Kili as though he was _wanted_ and _loved_ and everything else Kili knew he would never deserve in this tightly knit family.

"You have done nothing wrong," Thorin assured.

Kili cautiously lift his eyes, cringing as he waited for a sharp response to his daring. No rebuke smoldered in Thorin's exhausted, calm blue gaze, however. If he had recognized such emotions Kili might have seen the regret, the overwhelming gratitude and the peace that radiated from Thorin's expression as he was at last granted the position of protector and guardian of his nephew. Kili did not sense any of this, however, only the comforting shroud of _safety_ that surrounded him as he laid his head back and allowed himself to relax as his eyes flickered closed.

"Is he going to be all right?" Fili pleaded raggedly, a sheen of moisture clouding his gaze as he glanced frantically between Thorin and Kili.

"He is fine," Thorin responded softly. He regarded Oin darkly as the healer shifted, threatening the worst of deaths if the healer even hinted that Kili should be laid down and allowed to rest for a while.

Oin had no intention of separating the two, rather he strode to the fire and retrieved the full bowl Bombur had neglected during the excitement. It was a poor substitute for soup, the thin vegetable broth weak and tasteless compared to the rich coney stew Oin would have preferred had Gandalf permitted them to hunt. Still, it was nourishment, and it would help Kili to swallow the honeyed remedy Beorn had patiently insisted Oin slip down the delirious young one's throat every few hours.

Kili jumped slightly when Oin approached, worry shimmering in his eyes as he glanced between the bandages on his feet and his brother's cautious gaze. His eyes lit on the full bowl and for an instant his face lit up. Worry lanced across his features and he tentatively searched Thorin's expression, wincing and lowered his eyes in dejection at whatever signal he perceived. Oin was perplexed by the lad's behavior, for he knew Kili must surely be ravenous by this time. He looked to Thorin and shrugged, mystified.

"Kili, eat the stew," Thorin ordered in a clipped tone, hoping there would not be another inexplicable breakdown.

Kili's eyes glittered with unfathomable gratitude and he all but snatched the bowl from Oin's grasp. His arms quavered and he nearly dropped it, wincing as the sudden movement agitated his wrenched shoulder.

"Easy now," Oin muttered, crouching to steady the bowl as the half-starved Dwarf ravenously gulped down the thin liquid. "Easy lad, no need to choke yourself."

Eagerly Kili scarfed down the bowls' contents, slurping the broth and using his fingers to shovel the larger pieces into his mouth. Moments later he greedily licked the juice from his hands, using his tongue to clean out the last scrapings in the empty bowl. Pity warred against disgust as Thorin watched.

Even if the Dwarrow in general had less sense of "table manners" compared to other races, Kili had absolutely no sense of propriety. No self-respecting Dwarf would humiliate himself with such a show of desperation. Survival had warped all values Kili had grown up with, however, for dignity mattered little when the barest increments of food and shelter were fought over to the death. Thorin had known his nephew had reached a state of desperation in the mines, but he was only beginning to understand a fraction of what Kili had endured.

Oblivious to the horrified stares around him, Kili set the bowl aside with a smack of satisfaction, leaning back with a cavernous yawn. His eyes drooped closed as he ran his tongue around his lips, making sure he had not missed anything. Warily he opened one eye, the haunted look diminished slightly in his gaze as he asked hesitantly,

"C-Can I sleep now?"

Caught off guard the simple request, Thorin silently nodded. He was horrified by the relief that shone in Kili's eyes, admonished that his nephew felt he had to request permission merely to close his eyes. Kili took no notice of the troubled look in his Uncle's gaze as he sank down against the comfy pillow of Thorin's vest, snuggling a little closer and murmuring, "_Night, Fee_."

Fili's eyes lit up and a smile broke through the pain warring on his features. He laid a hand lightly on Kili's wrist, swallowing hard before he whispered, "I'll be right here when you wake up, Kili."

If he had had to fight back Azog and all the Orcs of Moria, Thorin did not doubt in this moment that his nephew would have held to his promise. Without a word Fili curled up on the hard floor beside Thorin, laying one hand on Kili's knee as though to assure himself his brother would not mysteriously vanish while he slept.

A hush fell over the room as one by one the onlookers tip-toed away, unwilling to disturb the sleeping youngsters. Even Bifur issued the decree for silence, raising his finger to his lips as though warning Thorin not to move an inch lest he wake Kili. D_i_s casually snitched Bofur and Dori's blankets, retorting tartly that 'they could certainly survive one night without freezing to death' when the latter protested her thievery.

Her eyes gleaming with fondness, she spread one blanket over Fili before tucking the other carefully around her frail youngest. Kili stirred and mumbled something unintelligible tucking his chin into the warm cocoon of cloth and wrinkling his nose as the fabric tickled. D_i_s shot Thorin a jealous glance as she settled beside him and leaned her head against his shoulder, slightly envious that it was her brother who held the role of comforter this time instead of her. She hummed lightly under her breath and combed her fingers through Fili's tangled golden locks, watching over her two sons as though they would flit away the moment she blinked.

"He let you hold him this time," she whispered, awe tracing her words as she regarded the peaceful expression of her youngest.

Thorin nodded, unable to offer his thoughts on the matter. The boy was an enigma to him. Kili's fearful hesitancy in the smallest of matters was foreign to him, and Thorin could think of no solution to heal the boy's fragile confidence. Even D_i_s no longer knew how to behave around her youngest. They were poor excuses for guardians, floundering through one crisis after another with no idea of what they were trying to fix.

Kili needed more than their superfluous attempts to absolve the horrors of his past. He needed the comfort and safety of the Blue Mountains, where he could be protected and assured of his freedom. Here in the wilderness, with Orcs and Goblins swarming them from every side, he would find no healing. All Thorin could do was lead him onward and pray he would not shatter what was already broken.


	12. Keep Trying

Guarded, broody eyes observed the room's activity in furtive silence. Drilled to sleep for only a few short hours at a time, Kili had woken when the first gleams of dawn bled into the horizon. His eyes were ringed with exhaustion and he sighed tiredly when left alone, but when D_i_s cajoled him to lay down his head for a few more minutes he refused, choosing instead to stare into the fire with haunted, wild eyes that send a shiver down Fili's spine whenever his brother's gaze was directed at him.

Gingerly Kili shifted, wincing as the slightest movement aggravated one injury or another. His wounds were still swollen, heated streaks of raw flesh that split open or oozed iridescent fluid whenever Oin changed the bandages. The fever was only just held at bay and the healer was hard pressed to keep it from reclaiming the young Dwarf's weakened body.

Neither fever nor pain was enough to step between Kili and food, however, and Fili winced as he remembered how eagerly his brother had wolfed down the thick slice of bread and honey offered to him. The company had politely turned aside and ignored the wretched display, sparing Thorin and D_i_s the humiliation as Kili carefully lapped every drop of honey from his sticky fingers and looked around hopefully for more.

Ori had made the mistake of straying too close as the second piece was devoured, and for an instant Fili recalled the raised hackles and bared teeth of a Warg as Kili hunkered over his food and growled low in his throat. Ori had been so startled he had fled to the opposite side of the fire and had refused to move since. D_i_s had regarded the display with a torn expression, her mouth carefully clamped shut against the instinctive rebuke for her son's reaction. She had met Thorin's gaze and shook her head, fear lancing across her eyes. Fili could only guess her thoughts.

_What do I do with him? Should I allow him to continue in this manner, believing that it will soon pass, or do I risk his trust by chiding him? Even a gentle rebuke might cause him to retreat further into himself, yet how can I allow this to go on?_

No one in the company had any answers to give her, and D_i_s had given up in despair. She watched Kili now with harried, worry filled eyes, longing to interfere with the darkness plaguing him yet fearing the outcome. Her path was a grueling trek of endless questions, and Fili ducked his head as he acknowledged that even he no longer knew how to behave around his little brother.

Kili glanced up as though reading Fili's turmoil, his dark eyes questioning as he begged for reassurance. _Everything is all right, isn't it? You still want me? I haven't done anything bad to make you send me away?_

His jumpy, anxious uncertainty tore at Fili's heart and he sighed deeply, forcing a smile and gently mussing Kili's hair in assurance that he had done nothing wrong. Kili leaned into the touch like a starved kitten, closing his eyes and almost purring as he laid his head down on Fili's boot. At times like this he seemed little more than an infant, desperate for love and affection and frightened by the merest shadow. It was almost as painful to watch his brother fumble to please everyone now as it had been to acknowledge his death. For an instant Fili could not decide which was worse.

_His death, of course!_ he insisted at once, berating himself for even questioning the matter. Even so, it was agonizing to witness Kili's pitiable attempts to gain favor within the company. As a child he had been nervous and insecure at times, but his quick laugh and brash confidence had quickly won him a place in the hearts of all he met. There was no comparison to this shy, trembling shadow who mistook every brusque voice for anger and every raised hand for the intent to strike.

_I shall never have the old Kili back, shall I? _Fili considered dismally. He rested his hand on Kili's shoulder, releasing a slow breath as he judged the answer for himself. _Maybe he will never be the same again, but he is still my little brother. _For now, that would have to be enough. To have even a fraction of Kili trapped in this shell of terror was better than the cruel reality Fili had endured when he believed he would never see his brother again.

"F-Fili?" Kili asked tentatively, biting his lip in the familiar sign that he had a question he was afraid to ask. He waited until he had his brother's undivided attention before mentioning hesitantly, "My ... my clothes... Th-they're ... they're different."

"Ah, yes..." Fili acceded, uncertain what his brother was trying to say. "Beorn provided them."

Apparently the Skinchanger had other talents besides beekeeping and homeade remedies. The day after their arrival, Beorn had proudly presented D_i_s with a homespun jerkin and trousers that vaguely resembled the Dwarven style. He was quite pleased with himself upon hearing that his estimations of Kili's size were _almost _correct - given, of course, that Kili did not mind holding up his pants with a hacked off sword belt or rolling up the sleeves of the tunic several times. Still, Fili supposed the effort was a sign of Beorn's good will, and he was grateful they did not have to slice up a spare cloak or blanket to replace the rags that had been burned.

Kili fingered the edge of the one blue cuff, mustering his courage for his request. "C-can I h-have them b-back, please? J-just for - for a moment?"

The question was that of hope-tinged defeat, as though Kili expected that his request would be denied but could not resist asking anyways. Fili cringed and bit his lip, wishing for all the world that he did not have to be the one passing on the grim news.

"Um... We don't ... have them anymore," he explained reluctantly. "They were filthy and practically torn to pieces, after all..." his voice ended in a jumbled mutter, "...and I think Beorn burned them..."

Kili gasped and scrambled to his hands and knees, a cry of denial torn from him as his face twisted in pain. "_No!"_

"Wait, Kili! _Kili!_" Fili started, grabbing his brother's shoulders before he could dash to the circle of flames. "Kili, they were nothing more than rags! Why would you - "

"It was _mine!_" Kili shouted, furiously batting away the hands restraining him. He yelped as the whip lashes were torn and fell limp, gasping as trickles of fire skittered down his back. Despair filled his eyes and he stared into the flames, his gaze so forlorn that Fili would have gone to the edges of Middle Earth and back just to undo whatever crime he had been unable to prevent.

"It was mine," Kil whispered, his chin quivering as the reality of loss set in. He did not scream or panic as he had the night before, but two large tears rolled down his face and plopped onto the floor beside his hands. Forsaken and rejected, he drew his knees up to his chest and buried his head in his arms, his shoulders quivering with the weight of a burden Fili could not understand.

"Kili?" Fili called softly, gingerly touching his fingers to his brother's shoulder and drawing back hastily when Kili flinched violently. "Kili, what is it? What is wrong?"

"I-It was _m-mine_," Kili quavered, choking back a sob of heartache. "You sh-shouldn't of ... it b-belonged to _me_!"

"What was it?" Fili pressed, looking anxiously to Thorin for help. "Tell me, Kili."

Confusion furrowed Thorin's brow for a moment, before the answer dawned on him and he swiftly approached the trembling Dwarf. Kili stifled a gasp as he glanced up, hastily wiping the tear tracks away with his sleeve. He quivered below Thorin, dejected and miserable as he waited for the next strike; the palm of the hand; the dread punishment for stepping out of his boundaries and blaming _them _for the loss of a possession he did not deserve to own.

Thorin's gaze softened and he chided himself for moving too quickly and frightening his already skittish nephew. Slowly he lowered himself to one knee, attempting to keep his stance as non-threatening as possible as he reached into his pocket. Carefully he laid two silver beads - one tarnished and one gleaming silver - onto the dusty floor, smiling slightly as Kili's eyes grew wide with disbelief.

For an instant the boy's hand darted out, before he glanced towards Thorin's face and hastily eased away. A quiet sigh was the only sign of frustration Thorin revealed as he rose to his feet and backed away a few paces, turning slightly to the side so that it would not be apparent that he was watching. It appeared that his nephew's trust could only be earned in increments; for all the hopes Thorin had conjured the night before, he realized Kili would not surrender his fear so easily.

Guardedly watching Thorin out of the corner of his eye, Kili slowly reached down and rolled the tarnished bead into his scarred palm. His eyes lit up and he cradled it possessively, mesmerized by the flecks of shining metal that glinted from the blackened surface. He had almost lost it once before, back when he wore it tucked into his growing hair and hidden from prying eyes. A pass of the Goblin's spear had cast the tiny braid into the forges, and he had stupidly tried to retrieve it before it was lost forever. His arm had blistered from the elbow down and he had nearly died from the pain alone, but in the end _he had his treasure_. It was his, and his alone, and it had been given back to him.

"Why?" Kili softly asked, looking up to Fili for an answer. "W-why did he l-let me have it?"

So much honest perplexity rang in his brother's voice that Fili could not give him a direct answer. He did not recognize the beads his Uncle had returned, but on occasion he had seen Thorin study a single gleam of silver late at night, darkness clouding his brow as he reminisced a season of his past. Only now did Fili recognize the significance of that tiny, seemingly worthless trinket.

_Why did he let you have it? Because he loves you,_ Fili wanted to tell his brother._ Because he cares what happens to you. He was looking for you, all this time, and he kept it safe for you. He knew it was important to you, and he wanted you to know that you are equally important to him. Can you not see that, Kili? Can you not see how much we all want you for who you are, and not how brave or strong you try to be?_

"He ... he wanted you to keep it," Fili choked, unable to stand the worry in his brother's gaze; as though any moment he would be punished for claiming that which was his own. "It belongs to you... You should not have to be afraid to ask for something which is yours."

His eyes flickered to the bead that still rested on the floor. Kili tracked his gaze and cautiously wriggled away, drawing in a shuddering breath and shaking his head.

"I - I didn't touch it," he defended himself fervently, biting his lower lip in trepidation. "I - I d-didn't steal it or - or anything. He - he p-put it there! I d-didn't st-steal it!"

Fili sighed and wiped a hand over his eyes as he realized what Kili was implying. "He g_ave_ that to you," he explained gently, using the simplest terms possible in hopes that his brother would understand. "If someone gives you something, it's not because they're trying to get you into trouble, Kili. He wants you to keep it. It belongs to _you_ now."

"It - it's _mine?_" Kili whispered breathlessly. His eyes glowed with childlike wonder as he experimentally brushed his finger against the glittering metal. "He - he won't - won't be angry with me?"

Thorin imperceptibly flinched, his shoulders straightening in a last defense against the curdling fury that threatened to break loose. Nothing would have pleased him more than to shout out his rage and heave his axe into the solid oak walls. He could not even clench a fist without sending Kili spiraling into a fit of panic, however, and he cursed the Goblins who had driven such fear into an innocent child. Thorin yearned to escape the close walls of the cabin and the tension which suffocated him, yet he could not risk startling Kili. This was a precarious moment; one he could not afford to lose.

"I _promise_, he will not be angry with you for taking it," Fili assured. He glanced towards Thorin and sighed, understanding that he was the only one bridging the gap between his brother and Uncle at this moment.

Kili flexed his hand in one last moment of hesitation before reaching out and grabbing the bead. He held it close and cast Fili a scathing glare as though at any moment his brother would take it away. "He - he said I could have it. It's mine!"

Mute with numb astonishment at the abrupt change, Fili nodded slowly and held out his hands peaceably hoping to calm his brother's unexpected outburst. "No one is taking it from you, Kili."

The challenge died in Kili's eyes, only to be replaced with the familiar trepidation. "I - I didn't ... I'm sorry," he flustered, tears filling his eyes as he realized what he had said. He dropped his gaze, his shoulders slumping in dejection. _Please don't hate me, _his posture read.

"Kili, it's _all right_," Fili insisted, anxiously trying to quell the emotional turbulence before another storm broke forth. "I'm not upset."

Kili searched his face uncertainly before giving a tentative, jerky nod. Silence seemed an easier course at this moment, and Fili did not attempt to ease the uncomfortable pause that stretched on. Kili chewed his lip and slowly lowered himself to lie on his side once more, blinking back tears of frustration and condemnation as he clutched the beads tightly.

He had done everything wrong. Fili was right; no one had ever hurt him here - excepting the healer, but that was expected - and in return he was only being ungrateful and making himself appear more pathetic in their sight. Now he had snapped at Fili, and for this Kili loathed himself most of all. He did not _want_ to give up the beads; they were _his_ now, yet he could not understand why he had been so angry. Fili had never taken anything away from him. He had freed him from the mines and accepted him into his family. Why had he allowed himself to respond with such cruelty?

The leader shuffled around distractedly for a moment before hastily striding out the door, and Kili knew instinctively that he was the the reason for Thorin's ill mannered flight. Sniffing back tears, he buried his face in the crook of his elbow and thought of all the horrible things he had done lately. He realized what was wrong with him now. He was being selfish and uncooperative. He did not know all the rules, and instead of learning from his past mistakes he only added new faults to the old. He had forgotten all of his training, and now even Fili would not talk with him.

"I'm sorry," Kili whispered, swallowing hard and blinking back the clouds of moisture gathering in his eyes. "I won't do it anymore."

Fili swivelled abruptly, bafflement struggling against the sinking sense of '_not again...'_ Kili would not look at him, too caught up in his own shame to expect anything less than anger. Fili sighed softly and raked a hand through his hair, worn down yet unable to determine a way to _fix _what was going on.

"Don't worry about it," he said dismissively. "Everything will be fine... eventually." _I hope._

Kili nodded once, more for the sake of agreeing than to show that he understood. He clenched his jaw, determined not to speak up again and cause himself to be more of a burden than necessary. Fili distractedly mussed his brother's hair and Kili felt a little of the tension ease away. Perhaps he had not messed up _too_ badly - not yet, at least.

Kili frowned and scrunched up his brow in confusion. He had no idea how to act and behave now. The Goblins had made their point clear within the first few days; learn quickly and do as you are told or face the consequences. No one in the Company had ever beaten him, though, no matter how many times he upset them. Kili _knew _he was causing them strife. He could feel the tension cloying the air; hear the raised whispers when the other Dwarrow glanced towards him from their huddle around the fire; catch the note of agitation that tinged every voice whenever his name was mentioned. He wanted so badly to prove that he could be worthy of everything they had done for them, and yet all he caused was more trouble.

A tendril of determination took form and Kili set his jaw, knowing what he had to do. He could not block the fear that stole away his control whenever one of the others moved too quickly, nor could he yet understand everything that was expected of him by the leader, but at least he could prove that he was _not _weak any longer. His wounds felt better than they had in a long while, and Kili knew he could walk a long ways without falling down. He felt a thrill of relief and a strange excitement with the revelation. He _could_ be useful somehow, and he would prove it to them_._ He would not be a hindrance any longer.

With a grunt of exertion Kili shambled to his hands and knees, ignoring Fili's avid protest as his brother tried to scramble out of a cross-legged position. Sweat dripped down Kili's temples and his brow knit in agony as the stitches in his back tore, blood dripping in sluggish streams from the re-opened wounds. With another burst of effort he was on his feet, swaying from a wave of vertigo even while exhilaration sang through his body for the sheer _triumph_ of his success. He could go on with them now; they could reach their destination and Kili would not hold them back. He would not be left behind.

"Kili, what in Middle Earth - !"

Numbness suddenly gripped his legs and Kili cried out as his feet refused to support him. His knees gave out and the floor rushed alarmingly to meet him, the buzzing in his ears drowning out Fili's horrified shout. Dazedly Kili flung his arms out to break his fall, his shoulder howling in protest at the sudden movement. He was certain he would smash his face against the polished wood, and for an instant the only thought that ran through Kili's mind was the awful mess they would have to clean up when his nose poured blood all over the floor.

Seconds before he struck the ground burly arms lashed out and grabbed him under the shoulders. Kili grunted as his chin smacked into a hard knee, his neck whiplashing from the jolt. Pinpricks of light danced in his eyes and he shook them away, groaning softly when his injuries throbbed with renewed vigor.

"Idiot kid ... What did you think you were doing?"

Kili flushed in mortification when he saw Gloin's disbelieving shake of the head, wishing he could drown in his humiliation. Without a word of derision the elder Dwarf scooped him up and set him back on the blanket he had left. Immediately Kili curled into himself, chastising himself for his failure and longing for the darkness of the mines in which to hide himself.

A touch of chagrin lit Gloin's eyes as he was reminded of his own son at home. Young, brash and impetuous; Gimli and Kili appeared to share the same qualities. All the more reason that Gloin had insisted his son remain behind in spite of his Gimli's avid protests. It could have been his own boy lying here, bewildered and in pain, and Gloin once more thanked the higher powers that Gimli was safe and protected in the Blue Mountains. He added a heartfelt prayer for D_i_s, knowing that the sight of her youngest in this state was surely destroying her.

Kili's face burned with shame and he could not bring himself to raise his head, choosing instead to carefully study the minuscule particles of dust on the floor. _Weak, weak, weak!_ his mind taunted him. _You can't even stand on your own two feet. If you were back __**there **__they would have killed you and sucked the meat off your bones long before now._

_I'm not weak..._ he wanted to plead. He knew even before the thought was formed that his defense was futile. He should have known better than to believe he could magically regain his strength and earn their favor. He was nothing. Pathetic. Useless. The scar on his face had proved that long ago.

_Why do I still feel like I have to try all the same?_

Kili could not find an answer and he squeezed his eyes shut, desperately attempting to quell the wretched mewls of pain that broke free. His back felt as though the lash had opened it anew, and the numbness in his feet had receded in a wave of liquid fire. From his ankles to his toes he felt as though he was immersed in molten rock, and he jumped and released a stifled cry the instant Oin touched the bandages.

"Easy, now; he is only checking your wounds," D_i_s cooed, cupping Kili's face in her hands and forcing him to look at her. Turquoise eyes shimmered with compassion and she gasped softly in sympathy when she saw the wretchedness in her son's gaze. "Oh, _Kili..._"

He tried _so hard_ not to break down, not to appear weaker in her eyes and certainly not humiliate her before the entire company. The pain, the fever and the shock of the fall were too much for Kili, however, and he hid his face in his Mother's arms as the lapping of warm water against the bandages covering his raw and blistered feet awakened a new sense of _agony_. Fili's hand rested on his shoulder and Kili grabbed it, his recent "offense" against his brother forgotten as he squeezed Fili's hand until his brother winced from the pressure. Kili's head arched back and he clenched his jaw, a terrible, wailing howl forced past his teeth as Oin carefully peeled away the last of the blood soaked bandages.

The healer tutted and shook his head as he surveyed the damage. "Not as terrible as I feared," he assured D_i_s, "But he has set himself back days of healing."

He worked swiftly, staunching the minor flow of blood and slathering on fresh ointment before tightly binding the wounds. Kili shivered in D_i_s' arms, sweat rolling down his face as he breathed harshly past gritted teeth and clung to Fili's hand. He had not screamed yet, but he knew that was still to come. They had not checked his back yet.

A shadow in the hallway halted Oin's work, however, the company falling still as apprehensive gazes flitted to their injured foundling. Kili sensed the disquiet and stiffened, glancing up anxiously to Fili. _It's Thorin, isn't it? He's angry that I only hurt myself worse and he's going to tell Mom that I have to go. _

_No, no, no_, _No!_ _He wouldn't ... he couldn't... Please!_

Scared beyond measure now, Kili swallowed with difficulty and forced himself to follow Fili's stark gaze to the wide door.

Had Thorin's furious expression filled his sight, Kili might have felt less terrified.


	13. Legends by the Fireside

_**Previously**: _

_Scared beyond measure now, Kili swallowed with difficulty and forced himself to follow Fili's stark gaze to the wide door. _

_Had Thorin's furious expression filled his sight, Kili might have felt less terrified._

* * *

Horror coursed in a river of ice down Fili's spine and he whirled around to face his brother. His eyes widened in dismay when he saw that Kili had wrenched himself upright and was staring in glazed terror at the enormous shadow filling the door.

"Kili, _no_!" Fili shouted, grabbing his brother's shoulders and compelling him to tear his gaze away. "Kili, don't look at him! Look at me! By Durin's name, Kili, don't do this to me again!"

Paralyzed by fear, blinded to all save the lumbering giant crossing the threshold, Kili could not even blink. His tongue clove to the roof of his mouth and his head spun with the certainty that he would die this day. There would be no blow to the head and then merciful darkness as penalty for his foolishness. He would surely be killed this time, and no one would be strong enough to save him.

"_B-Baldor..." _Kili lisped, violent shudders raking through his body as his mind hazed over and ceased to make sense. _ Side tunnel, short drop into the cavern, might be able to climb the sides without him catching up - fingers small enough, could find enough crevices he can't reach..._

_"Kili, is that ... is that 'Baldor?' The one who hurt you?"_

Bilbo's voice, calm and reasonable, filtered through the maze of tunnels and darkness as he ran for his life.

_"Don't be a fool, Bilbo. The Goblins would have lost too many of their own foul warriors in an attempt to take Beorn prisoner. Here now, let me through."_

The one in the tall hat shifted in the glare of the forge's light and Kili fell back against another slave, yelping shrilly as his escape was blocked. Arms stronger than his own wrapped around him and he fought and struggled, drawing a convulsive, ragged gasp when Baldor stepped forward.

"N-no! _No!" _he shouted, flinging himself to the side and sinking his teeth into the forearm slung around his shoulders. His captor cursed and released him and Kili twisted onto his side, crying out as his swollen shoulder hit the floor. He scrambled to his hands and knees, only to be grabbed from behind by another slave. Wiry arms wound about him in an unyielding grip, the flap of a cloth hat brushing against his ear.

_"Easy, now. No one's going ta hurt ye. 'E just wants ta know if ye're still alive and breathin', that's all. Calm yerself down now afore ye - umph!"_

Kili slammed his head back into the side of the Goblin's jaw, the floppy hat flying off to the side as the owner swayed on his feet. Kili ducked under his grip and managed two steps before he found himself on the floor, writhing as glowing orange spears were driven through his feet. More hands grabbed him and forced him to the ground, holding him down as the Goblins continued to stab their fiery darts through the arches of his feet.

"_Kili!" _ Panicked tears choked the voice of a woman. He _knew_ that voice! Somewhere it had haunted his dreams, pulling him to the warm comforts of firelight and jade blue marbles rolling on the dusty floor of a small cabin. He knew he must be close to oblivion now, for her voice was _so_ near. _"Kili, please, stop struggling!"_

Baldor stepped closer and Kili screamed this time, a despairing, tormented cry torn from one who knew he had no hope left. "No! Y-you c-can't - What did I do _wrong_?"

"By Durin's Bane, Kili, snap out of it already!" Fili shouted, neglecting the shallow flow of blood from the bite in his arm as he pleaded for his brother to regain control.

It was too soon after the last episode, and Fili felt as though walls were closing in on _him_ now as he watched Kili flail in wide eyed terror as Dwalin, Nori and Oin restrained him. Blood stained the back of his blue shirt in growing dark patches, yet in his panic Kili did not seem to notice the pain. Fili frantically glanced towards Beorn and Gandalf, shaking his head and waving them away.

"Just go!" he pleaded, no longer caring how rudely he was behaving towards their host. "You're only upsetting him further!"

He may as well have ordered the dragon Smaug to abandon his mountain. Beorn advanced in ponderous, undeterred footsteps, deaf to Kili's terrified sobs and the alarmed calls of those attempting to calm the hysterical Dwarf. Worry creased Beorn's forehead, as though he had found an injured bee in one of his meadows that called for his attention. Furious and belligerent in his fear for his brother, Fili tried to shove the Skinchanger away. Gloin reached forward and yanked Fili back, the younger Dwarf still yelling incoherently and kicking out as though he alone could protect Kili from the nightmare descending on him.

Kili abruptly stilled as Beorn knelt beside him, a violent tremor coursing through his frame. His face grew deathly pale and for an instant his breathing appeared to cease entirely. Beorn's expression was that of quiet concern as he reached one large hand out and placed it over Kili's forehead. For a long, agonizing moment Fili compared the picture to that of a Man he had watched tame a colt. Neither breaking nor starvation had quelled the rebel's spirit that coursed through the Unbreakable One's veins, yet the gentle touch of a stranger's hand had calmed its vivacious spirit to where it willingly allowed itself to be led away.

Neither defeat nor submission flickered in Kili's expression, yet before Fili's eyes the tension eased from his brother's shoulders and the fear died in his gaze. Blinking in slight perturb, Kili arched away and regarded Beorn's hand with curiosity; almost like a pony sniffing the outstretched fingers of a new stable hand, expecting a handful of sugar cubes as a truce. Beorn laughed, the resounding thunder of his voice filling the cabin. Rather than cower at the noise Kili narrowed his eyes and cast the Skinchanger a dour look, as though to demand the reason for his humor.

"This one is not lost," Beorn announced, "Only a little far away." He returned to his own business, leaving the Dwarrow to muddle through his cryptic statement.

Kili frowned sharply as he watched Beorn's departure, tearing his eyes away with an effort and looking to Fili for answers. The frenzy of the moment past him, Fili sat in shaking silence as the compounding stress finally reached its vantage point. Abruptly he rose to his feet and hastened to the door, ignoring D_i_s' sharp call as he escaped into the blinding sunlight and the open air. A gasp echoed behind him, followed by a sharp cry and the sounds of a brief struggle.

"_Fili!"_

His brother's heartbroken wail caused Fili to hesitate mid-stride and he looked anxiously behind him, torn between the urge to go back and reassure Kili, and the desperate need to sort through his own turmoil. Forcing himself to ignore the wretched plea, Fili broke into a run. He had no idea where he was going, but for the moment it did not matter. He just needed to get away from it all.

"Fili!"

Cringing at the brisk command in his Mother's shout, Fili skittered to a halt and waited for her to catch up. Contrary to his expectations, D_i_s did not chide him for his sudden flight. Wearied understanding reflected in her gaze as she folded her arms loosely and glanced around the small grove. A chilled breeze picked up, the warmth of early afternoon not yet enough to soften the bite of the wind. Droning shrilly, one large bee hovered too close to D_i_s and was sent fleeing for its life by a scathing glower cast in its direction. Fili shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other, anxious for his Mother to speak her mind or release him.

Only after taking a moment as though to admire the boughs of fresh blossoms swaying in the wind did D_i_s gather her composure enough to speak in a softer, less reprimanding tone. "Fili, tell me what is going on."

With the opportunity to at last speak his mind, Fili found himself struggling for words. He clenched his fists spasmodically, pacing in his fervor as he searched himself for the proper reason _why_ he felt he could not remain in the stuffy atmosphere of Beorn's cabin for another minute.

"It's just ..." Fili stammered, throwing his hands out when logic failed him. "It's one right after the other, Mum! He never gets any peace! One moment I think everything will be fine, and the next I'm trying to hold him down as he's ... screaming and - and - " With a ragged gasp he blurted out, "I don't know how much longer I can stand it!"

Her eyes full of understanding, D_i_s paused long enough for him to calm down marginally before interpreting, "Do you need a few days away from him?"

"No!" Fili denounced at once. "No, it's not like that at all!" _Mahal, what have I implied? She can't separate us! Kili __**needs**__ me, and I need him! _

"I wish I could _do_ something about it," Fili explained in a less dogmatic tone. "I know that he is in pain all the time; that he is scared and uncertain and he doesn't seem to believe he is free from the Goblin caverns. I don't blame him for it, Mum, but I hate feeling like I am helpless to prevent it. I hear him screaming at night and I know that it will go on and _on_ and nothing I say will ever make any difference. Then he starts ... he starts shouting and struggling and - and c_rying_ when he is frightened..." With a shuddering breath Fili admitted softly, "I wanted Kili back so badly, Mum, but I don't even _know_ him any more."

D_i_s sighed heavily, hugging herself as her own insecurities broke through. "I know this is hard for you," she said coaxingly, "As it is for all of us. Don't give up on him yet, Fili. Think about it; he has only just been reunited with a family he did not know he had. He _is_ going to be frightened and uncertain around us. Nothing we can do will erase the memories of what the Goblins did to him. All we can do is be there for him, and pray we will eventually gain his trust.

"I am not asking you to do what is impossible for you," D_i_s added, stepping forward and laying a hand on Fili's shoulder. "Neither Thorin nor I can accept that this is the same little boy we lost years ago. But we have to _try_, Fili; for his sake as well as our own. I do not pretend that Kili's mind will ever be fully healed, because I know that is too much to ask. He is your _brother_, however, and he is _my son_, and we cannot allow our own turmoil to stand between that. _Be there_ for him, Fili; that is all I ask."

Fili nodded curtly, unable to say anything more for fear of losing his composure. Memories swam in a distorted haze as he recalled flashes of the past: Kili's endearing smile as he launched himself at his Mother's legs; his startled expression just before he was caught in the face with a well packed snowball - courtesy of Thorin, who had an identical clump of melting slush clapped into his hair; the scribbled doodles during Balin's lessons, Orc wars before the fire, squeals of joy whenever D_i_s procured something delectable to eat...

Nothing recognizable could he see in his brother now, and that hurt Fili most of all. He wanted to dig into Kili's fevered mind and drag out the personality he was certain was buried away, hiding under the crack of whips and the clank of metal against stone. He wanted to see _Kili_ again, yet every time he watched his brother cower at the slightest movement his hope was buried a little more.

How could he admit that he wanted to help his little brother, when he could not even stand to be in the same room when Kili suffered?

D_i_s regarded her son with compassionate, sorrowful eyes, slipping her hand off his shoulder and turning back towards the cabin. "Come back inside when you are ready?" she implored gently.

A difficult swallow and a sharp nod was her only reply. Fili listened to the swish of his Mother's boots fade away, the ensuing silence accomplishing little in settling his nerves. He paced for a few minutes, hoping to find _something_ calming in the soft tittering of swallows and the rustle of the wind against leaves. The peaceful atmosphere only confirmed his inner fervency; he had to return to his brother.

The transfer from frigid air and brilliant sunlight to the warm, ruddy glow of the firelight caught Fili off guard, and he blinked momentarily in the darker atmosphere of Beorn's cabin. Instantly he sought out his brother. Relief caused him to sway on his feet when he saw Kili lying on the other side of the room, listening in rapt attention to rumble of Gloin's voice as the elder relayed the tale of Aulë and the creation of his children.

"You have heard of Aulë?" Gloin ascertained, pausing his story momentarily to ensure his young pupil was still concentrating.

Kili stuttered and glanced hastily around, flustering for an answer that was satisfactory. "I - I know him," he stammered, "It - he's that one, isn't he?"

Gloin followed Kili's trembling finger, chuckling when he followed the anxious Dwarf's line of sight to Gandalf. "That would be our frequently absent wizard, Kili," he corrected. "Gandalf the Grey; and take care not to bolster his ego by confusing him with the higher beings again."

"I ... I kn-knew that," Kili blustered, ducking his head and flushing in embarrassment.

Gloin humphed softly, shaking his head kindly and returning to his tale. Kili glanced to the doorway with a wistful expression, his eyes lighting up when he saw Fili standing there.

"_Fili!"_ he gasped, a joyous smile spreading across his face as he tried to scramble to his hands and knees. Gloin's hand on his shoulder prevented this, and with a worried look Kili settled down and searched his brother's expression.

_'Forgiven?'_ his dark eyes pleaded, tremulous hope filling his gaze.

A crooked smile found its way to Fili's lips and the peace returned to Kili's eyes as his brother sauntered over and plopped down to sit cross legged behind him. Kili wriggled back a little and laid his head on Fili's knee, closing his eyes momentarily before regarding his brother with tearful gratitude.

_I thought you had left me._

_You know I'll never leave you alone, Kili._

_Don't go away?_

_I'll be here. Always._

Sighing in content, Kili returned his attention to Gloin's wondrous tales. Together, resting in the peace of having each other's company once more, the young Dwarrow listened in captivated wonder as the father of another relayed the legends of pride and glory, of sorrow and renewal, and the steadfast courage of the children of Aule.

* * *

**That should be the last major panic attack for a while. Poor Kili needs a break for a chapter or two, and the Muses are threatening to abandon their angst inspiration for a while so they can vacation with the returning sun. So, with all due ceremony, on to the fluff! ;)**


	14. Grim Discussions

**For those who missed the last update because of the email notification glitch: Read Chapter 13 before wondering _'What happened to Beorn!' ;)_**

* * *

Enchantment gleamed in the eyes of a child as Kili ran his fingers along the skillfully crafted squirrel Bofur had presented him with. Two little notches shifted a bar fitted into the wooden piece, allowing the squirrel to raise its forearms and nibble the small acorn it clutched. It was a petty invention compared to the more intricate pieces Bofur had sold in the Blue Mountains, yet to a former slave whose only memories of wood and metal were those of destruction, there was hidden beauty in the simple toy. Kili's laughter rang through the large room as he pranced the squirrel across the floor, his contagious smile lightening Thorin's heart as he watched.

Three days had passed since the last frantic episode. D_i_s had discretely informed Thorin of the matter when he had returned, and he regretted choosing that time to be absent. Having not been present to witness Beorn's act in calming his nephew, he still marveled that Kili rarely flinched when the enormous Skinchanger entered the room. Something had altered in his nephew's outlook lately, and though the change was so small it was nearly invisible, Thorin knew it was there. It shone in the light of Kili's eyes as he began to smile more often. It filled his laughter as the simplicity of life overwhelmed him. His instinctive fear still manifested itself in sleepless nights and the desperation to please everyone, but the haunted look in his eyes began to fade as childlike trust lingered with each new show of kindness.

In numerous other ways his nephew seemed to be improving from the stable atmosphere of Beorn's cabin. He had more or less adopted himself into the Company according to his views of each member. From what Throin had observed, every individual seemed to have their own place on Kili's lists of "safe" and "to be wary of."

After being _ordered_ to eat as much as he could whenever food was served, Kili had instantly added Bombur to his list of favorite people. Bilbo ranked second to Fili after he introduced second breakfast and elevenses. (D_i_s herself apparently held no ranking as far as Thorin could see. She was Kili's Mother, and no placement on the list would be high enough to judge his value of her.) At one point a large bee had flown too close to Kili's head and Dwalin had smashed it against the wall with his boot, earning Beorn's stern disapproval and Kili's everlasting adoration. Ori had knitted more scarves than Kili knew what to do with, and being too enamored with the thought of having his own possessions to politely throw them away, he had tied them neatly together to use as a makeshift pillow.

Balin knew as much about tea as Oin did herbal salves, and he often had the proper dosage to settle a skittish Dwarf's apprehension when the darkness drew too close. His calm demeanor and listening ear provided Kili with an outlet when the frequent apologies and stammered excuses were not enough. Secrets not even Fili would know were whispered to the Wise One, and an unbreakable tether of faith was developed as Kili understood that not a single word would echo from Balin's lips.

Oin was still regarded with anxiety, for his visits usually indicated that pain as well as healing would be involved. Dori was avoided at all costs, although Fili had once hinted that his extraordinary hairstyle might be the reason for Kili's edginess. Nori, on the other hand, had been welcomed with intrigue after he showed Kili how to slip free of intricate rope ties. Although his methods had not been tested yet - as the bandages hindered Kili's attempts - the effort was appreciated all the same.

Bifur seemed an anomaly of his own which Kili was still trying to discern. He tended to the injured Dwarf in his own off-hand manner; layering an extra blanket over Kili at night, or kicking Nori in the shin when he was snoring, or shooing Gandalf out of the cabin when he smoked so that the wizard's pipe rings (which were very well aimed and in no danger of harming anyone, Gandalf defended) would not irritate Kili's breathing. His bizarre wide eyes and the maniacal look to his expression still brought to mind darker memories for Kili, however, and the young Dwarf was not yet willing to believe that he was completely secure without the others around.

Enthralling stories from Gloin served to aid Kili the most whenever fear began to reclaim its hold on his vulnerable mind. It distracted him when the pain was at its worst, held the shadows at bay when he woke at night with his throat hoarse from screaming, comforted him when the confusion of his surroundings seized him in a fit of anxiety, and assured him when he groped blindly for a sense of belonging in a strange and new world.

It seemed imperative to Gloin that the histories of his forefathers be passed on to this younger generation. Whenever Fili began to transcribe his version of a story Gloin would interrupt, waving aside Fili's "juvenile translation" to ensure the proper telling was woven into Kili's vulnerable memory. More and more he seemed to look on Kili as his responsibility; the adopted son he alone could train in the manner of his rightful heritage.

Thorin could not quell the pang of jealousy that knifed through him whenever he caught sight of Kili's ecstatic grin whenever one of his "favorites" chose to give him a moment of their time. In one way or another, they all had taken Kili under their wing, yet Thorin remained on the outskirts; forbidden from entering that realm of trust by reasons which Kili alone comprehended. Faith would waver on the precipice of doubt, and a victory of confidence would be discarded at the slightest hint of Thorin's disapproval.

Kili seemed to dictate Thorin's mood as the deciding factor of his existence. If Thorin indicated that he was pleased with his progress, then all was well. If he appeared to be irritable or ignorant of his nephew's efforts, then Kili would be certain he was doing something terribly wrong and would go to every effort to remedy the situation. Nothing Thorin said would make any difference; he could not convince Kili that he did not have to constantly prove himself in order to gain Thorin's acceptance.

Thankfully there had been no more erratic stunts since the last time Kili had attempted to stand on his own. For the most part he seemed content to remain where he was, so long as the atmosphere remained more or less cheerful and someone he trusted was sitting close by. Right now he was caught up in another fit of bliss; his stomach was full, he was warm and comfortable, he had something interesting to distract his mind, and his brother was sitting close by where Kili could find him at a moment's glance. Thorin had learned over the past three days, however, that this phase would not last long. A second later the fire might erupt in a field of sparks and the sheen of dread would return to Kili's gaze, whereupon he would withdraw at once and huddle into himself until the perceived "danger" was passed.

It was a pensive guessing game that played out between the Dwarrow and their young charge. Judging by the weariness in Fili's stance, Thorin surmised that he was not the only one burdened by the strain of Kili's constant apprehension. He had known upon first discovering that his nephew was alive that nothing would be the same as when Kili had first been taken, but nothing could have prepared him for this.

Nervous, apologetic and on the verge of tears for the most petty mistakes, Kili was not even comparable to a murky reflection of his former self. The feelings of anger and hopelessness which smote each Dwarf individually as they regarded their hapless foundling did not aid Kili's constant state of worry. He blamed himself when the overall mood faltered, and the frustration which followed when he voiced his concerns only made him feel worse. It was truly a game now; one of chance and mystery and ever changing rules, proven all the more difficult for the life held hostage as the final prize.

It seemed as though Fate had watched their struggles and laughed, determining to hurl a final blow to crush the hearts of the strong. Durin's Day drew ever closer and the hand that grasped within Thorin's chest clenched into a tighter fist as he contemplated the thought. They had but one chance to regain their home, and it was slipping through his fingers like the sand of the hourglass marking their time.

It was no longer solely for the treasure of his forefathers that Thorin fought to regain Erebor, and for this reason he could not force himself to believe that destiny would wait without them. For Fili's sake, and now for Kili's as well, he would reclaim the land which had been stolen from them. A kingdom and rulership awaited Fili, and for Kili, the security and fulfillment of a _home_ which the Blue Mountains could never provide.

Heavy footsteps, softened for the sake of the little one but still forceful against the wooden floor, approached Thorin pensively and waited. Thorin glanced up and nodded to Dwalin, indicating for the warrior to speak his mind. With an edgy glance towards Kili, who was still happily engrossed in the clever contraption Bofur had given him, Dwalin lowered himself to the floor and cleared his throat.

"It's been a week," he commented vaguely.

Thorin nodded, his gaze directed towards the fire as he avoided a decision neither Dwarf wished to broach.

"You wouldn't think the hermit would allow us to linger this long, given what Gandalf said about him."

Thorin allowed himself a touch of a smile at the thought, recalling the Wizard's dire warnings about Beorn's dislike for strangers intruding on his hospitality. Recently Gandalf had mused aloud once that Kili was likely the only reason Beorn had permitted them to stay as long as they had. It appeared he was reluctant to see the young Dwarf go, just as a child would be afraid to lose his favorite new pet.

Dwalin devoted his attention to the lacing in his boots, examining the fraying ties with grim criticism as though the outcome of their quest depended on the leather's durability. The air hung heavily with tension as he mustered the resolve to voice the matter of conflict.

"He coming with us?"

Sighing laboriously and clacking his teeth down on the stem of his empty pipe, Thorin avoided the answer. Kili was not yet aware of their discussion and Thorin purposefully refrained from glancing in his direction, unwilling to disturb his nephew's contented state by hinting at the seriousness of their conversation.

"Well, Thorin?"

Silence no longer an option, Thorin tossed his pipe aside and rested his fists on his outstretched knees. "I cannot risk losing him, Dwalin. He would not last the trek through Mirkwood, never mind..."

Dwalin nodded somberly, anticipating Thorin's statement. "We cann'at go on with him as a liability, yet neither can we return and leave the Mountain to the plunder of Elves and Men."

"He cannot stay here," Thorin murmured at once, as though to belay any thoughts in that area.

"Then what do you expect to do with him?" Dwalin responded practically, regarding Thorin with expectation.

The plan had already taken form in Thorin's mind, though he was loathe to speak it. Fili would be enraged when he learned what had transpired behind his back.

"He goes home with his Mother," Thorin decided.

Dwalin cast him a raised eyebrow, not entirely caught off guard yet still surprised at the decisiveness of Thorin's reply. "You aim to send him back over the mountains with Goblins and Orcs still wreaking havoc?"

"He will face the same danger wherever he goes," Thorin retorted with a defeated sigh. "I cannot guarantee his safety if we continue on, Dwalin. Even if Smaug is dead, I cannot predict what calamity might befall us next. If he can make it to the Blue Mountains alive, he will be safe there until we return."

"Does _she_ know?" Dwalin questioned, nodding his head towards D_i_s.

"Not yet," Thorin allowed, "Though I do not anticipate that she will argue the point. She knows as well as I do that Kili has no place among us."

It was an outrageous half truth, for the boy had found his refuge in all of their hearts already. The treacherous life of a nomad was not what Thorin wanted for his nephew, however. Fili was prepared to stand fast through whatever transpired on their quest. Kili, on the other hand, was not made for the wilderness and the perils that accompanied it. He would accompany them to the death if only for the sake of obedience, but not once would he be capable of making his own decision to leave the Company and go home where he belonged. Even if Kili could have determined his own mind Thorin would not allow him the choice. He would not take the chance of losing his nephew again.

"You'll be sending them on alone?" Dwalin pondered, a note of accusation in his tone. Thorin hesitated to answer and a brief flash of disapproval crossed Dwalin's features. "You still haven't thought this through."

He glanced over his shoulder at Kili, meeting the youngster's questioning gaze and nodding to indicate that all was well. Caught in the act of eavesdropping, Kili dropped his eyes in embarrassment and practiced toggling the Squirrel's arms. Fili shifted uneasily and looked between Dwalin and Thorin, demanding an answer. Thorin drew in a terse breath and inclined his head in an almost indiscernible shake, requesting Dwalin's silence in the matter.

"Gandalf said there is another passage under the mountains that two or three could travel undetected," he said in a hushed voice. "With Azog's sight directed on me, they could make it back across the plains without Orc or Goblin bothering to track them."

"Not alone," Dwalin stated emphatically. "D_i_s may be feisty, but she's no warrior, and Kili will be no help in a battle."

"I know," Thorin nodded reluctantly. "Gandalf cannot spare himself for the journey, and I would not ask any more of the Company than what you have already given. If they can reach Rivendell perhaps they can be granted an escort - "

"If you think none of us would be willing to lay our lives down for Kili, you don't know your own men," Dwalin broke in. "Gold'n treasure's well enough, but not when the little one's life is on the line." Without scarcely a moment's pause he announced, "I'll go with them. If the paths are Goblin free as you say, we can be back in the Mountains before winter sets in."

Gratitude shone in Thorin's eyes as he nodded assent. Indirectly this had been his request; he knew that Dwalin would be the most capable of seeing his nephew safely home.

_"Fili?" _Kili hissed in the silence which followed, pulling on his brother's collar and trying not to disturb Thorin and Dwalin's "extra-private" conversation a second time. "_Fili, c-can I go outside again? The s-sun's going to go down soon, and ..."_

Neither the desperate lilt of Kili's voice nor the plea in his eyes was necessary for his request to be acknowledged, for the hesitant whisper reached every ear for the wistful longing it held. This was a routine that was becoming increasingly familiar, and equally saddening to watch. Cut off from sunlight and open air for most of his life, Kili could not stand the close confines of Beorn's cabin. Within an hour of returning inside he would be begging for "just a few more minutes" outdoors. His worry of irritating Fili was nothing compared to the insatiable desire to close his eyes in the waning sunlight and run his hands through the soft, dew sparkled grass, and no matter how anxious he felt Kili never failed to ask his brother to take him out to see the last rays of the setting sun. It was an honor that Fili relinquished to no other, and none dared intrude on their private moment.

With a smile and a murmured, "Of course, Kili," Fili carefully gathered up his brother and lifted him up. Kili drew in a sharp breath at the initial pull against the healing whip lashes on his back before gesturing hastily for a concerned Fili to _'Go!'_ Rolling his eyes slightly, Fili cautiously stepped around the other Dwarrow scattered across the room.

"You hardly weigh anything, brother," he muttered, his voice only half-teasing. "As soon as we get out of this bear's den I'll find you some real food. Meat and fish and - "

"I-I d-don't like m-meat," Kili interrupted shamefacedly, wincing in regret for speaking against Fili's decision. "T-t-tastes funny..."

Fili paused a moment, likely worrying that his brother was turning into a three foot "green eating" elf, before understanding dawned in a harsh cringe. "Not _that_ kind," he corrected, a growl lacing his tone as he thought about what fetid carrion or nameless _beings_ Kili might have had forced down his throat. "I mean venison and bear, and rabbit, too. You like rabbit, don't you, Kili?"

"I ... I _do?_" Kili answered hesitantly, unable to place the name but hoping he had chosen the right answer.

With a sigh and a shake of his head, Fili stepped through the open door. "Forget about it, Kili," Thorin heard him say as he walked further away. "You just enjoy that bread and honey for now. We'll worry about other foods later."

"I mean - I - I like it," Kili's more decisive tone trailed back. "Is- Is it - it's th-the stuff Dwalin gave me, r-right?"

As their voices faded, Thorin turned to face Dwalin once more. Icy blue fire seared in his gaze as he ordered, "Bring him home safely, Dwalin." _Allow any harm to come to him, and you will answer to me. _

"No son of mine could be of greater importance," Dwalin assured. He would die a thousand torturous deaths before one more flick of the lash could land on Kili's back.

Reluctantly Thorin accepted his word, lapsing into grim silence as Dwalin rose to leave. He had known that letting go of Kili would be the hardest thing he had ever done, but he did not realize how impossible that task would seem until now.


	15. Left in the Dark

"Fee, look!" Kili crowed, ecstatically showing off his prize. "Look! Look! Look! Boots!"

Thumping them onto the ground, he caressed the supple leather, unable to believe that these were _his_ and his alone. Kili had hardly believed his ears when Nori set the boots in front of him and stated that Kili would be wearing them on their continuing journey. Unwilling to risk overstepping his boundaries with such an extravagant gift, Kili had asked Fili for Thorin's confirmation a dozen times before he believed that the boots were his own to keep.

Running his fingers along the layers of boiled leather enforcing the base, Kili glanced down at his thickly bandaged feet and sighed. Oin had said he would be allowed to wear them as soon as the bandages came off, but _only_ once the healer or another of Kili's guardians gave their approval. In spite of his record of long suffering patience, Oin had come close to yelling in agitation when Kili began pulling off the cloth strips the moment his back was turned. Kili was so _excited_, though! He couldn't w_ait_ to get those nasty, icky things away so that he could try walking around with his beautiful new boots!

"D-do you think I can t-try walking _now_?" Kili begged, hugging his boots close and trying _that_ look that always made Bombur give him a second helping of Beorn's honey cakes.

"Mahal help us, that boy is persistent," Oin shook his head. He cast Thorin a dark look as though to say, _'He is __**your **__nephew, and therefore I hold you accountable for that stubborn trait he inherited.' _"I told you not five minutes ago, it will be a few days more before that gash is knit well enough to hold your weight," he reminded Kili. "You are lucky I did not have to amputate; I would not advise you to tempt fate by irritating that wound further."

Kili scowled and hunched over his crossed legs, batting the tops of his boots and tilting his head in interest as they flopped back and forth. It soon became a game and he bit down on his lip in a wide grin, knocking the soft leather about and watching in fascination as glints of firelight danced across the brass buckles. It almost looked as though the broken straps of belts and sheathes had been sewn together to make the patchwork shoes, and Kili lost himself in the study of the intricate patterns.

He was so caught up in his game that he did not see Thorin pull D_i_s aside and begin to speak to her in a quiet, urgent tone. Fili noticed and shot up abruptly, watching them guardedly with narrowed eyes. Thorin and D_i_s glanced momentarily in his direction, before Thorin nodded towards the open door and they both retreated to continue the conversation outside. With a sharp scowl Fili scooted closer to his brother, guarding him from an inexplicable foreboding he could not put a name to.

Kili glanced up from his play and frowned, tilting his head slightly as though to ask Fili what was the matter. Sensing the unease in the atmosphere, he wriggled his shoulders uncomfortably and shifted closer. No further threats became apparent, however, and Kili brushed the incident aside.

"Fili?" he piped up insistently, tugging on his brother's sleeve and pouting when Fili was too _busy_ to notice him. He tried again, stating emphatically, _"Fee!"_

Startled out of his thoughts, Fili glanced at his brother and raised his eyebrows at the demanding look that replaced the tentativeness he was accustomed to seeing in Kili's eyes. It was only a week and a day that they had been delayed at Beorn's, but the changes in Kili's demeanor continued to astonish Fili. His brother seemed to have dramatic ups and downs that varied quicker than Fili could track. Not fifteen minutes ago Kili had been silent and watchful, casting fearful glances towards the corner where Oin and Thorin were in deep discussion. Then Nori had brought in the boots he had patched together, and Kili had forgotten his anxiety in a dreamworld of ecstasy. Now it seemed that playtime was over, however, and Kili wanted attention badly enough that he was willing to _command_ that it be granted to him. Fili groaned inwardly and rubbed the fingers of one hand against his temples, once more abandoning all hopes he had entertained of predicting Kili's behavior for even _one hour_.

"Yes, Kee, what is it?" he inquired patiently.

Any frustration Fili had melted away as he saw the faintest glint of determination flickering in Kili's stalwart gaze. For a moment Fili caught a glimpse of the cheeky little brother he once had known; back when Kili's demands consisted of dressing up in pots and kettles and invading "Mistah Bawin an' Dwawin's house fah tweasah." Grief-tainted memories flooded him in a surge of regret and he put his arm around Kili's shoulders to draw him closer, relishing the knowledge that this _was_ his brother and he was indeed alive.

"Fili?" Kili piped up again, softer now and a little perturbed. He made no objection to the sudden show of affection, however, snuggling into Fili's one arm embrace and relaxing against his brother. "Fili, B-Bilbo doesn't - doesn't have boots," he mentioned worriedly. "D-don't his feet hurt?"

His tongue was surely three times larger than it supposed to be, for speech failed Fili and he stumbled for words. The thought had certainly occurred to him before, as he himself had been the one to question the Hobbit's lack of proper footwear, but how could Fili explain that to his brother when he himself did not understand how _any_ being could walk about barefoot in the icy cold rain without his toes falling off?

"Ah... Kili...?" he started, wracking his mind for an answer and begging Thorin to return so that he could pass the question off to him instead. "I think that ... well..."

Come to think of it, how _did _one explain feet like _that_?

"Something the matter?" Bilbo piped up, having meandered over to collect his freshly washed and dried waistcoat from the rack by the fire.

Thanking the higher powers for the perfectly timed rescue, Fili waved towards the Hobbit and encouraged brightly, "Why don't you ask Bilbo yourself, Kili? Bilbo: explain the matter of your, erm, foot-shoes again."

"Foot-shoes?" Bilbo responded with a blank look. He glanced in confusion between the two eager brothers, furrowing his brow for a moment before he gave a short laugh. He shook his head in amusement, having faced a similar interrogation before, and scooted one foot forward for Kili to see.

"You mean the fact that I don't wear shoes?" he confirmed.

Kili's eyes widened as he examined Bilbo's hairy, thick soles. His eyes darted worriedly before he lashed out a finger and poked the Hobbit's foot, instantaneously gasping and tucking his hands under his arms in anticipation of a backlash. Bilbo made no reaction and, emboldened, Kili watched him guardedly and tapped the thick, leathery skin once more.

"D-does - doesn't it hurt?" he questioned in awe, jabbing more forcefully now and wondering how hard he had to hit before Bilbo did something to stop him.

Fili hid a chagrined smile, remembering the first time he and Ori had taken it upon themselves to learn the mystery of the Hobbit's feet. Needless to say they had been so incredulous and - on Fili's side - _frustrated, _that the examination had turned into a game of "see who can find something suitable to tickle the invincible Hobbit." Come to think of it, after Fili had won the competition Thorin had banned them from going anywhere near Bilbo at night. It _had_ been a rather loud shriek that almost caused Gandalf to start blasting invisible Goblins when Fili had at last found a large spider capable of brushing past the defenses of the Hobbit's tough soles.

"F-Fili, look!" Kili pressed, his eyes glowing with fascination as he grabbed a short twig and stabbed it at Bilbo's feet.

"Hehe, watch it now," Bilbo chuckled, jumping slightly and shifting his foot away as the tickling sensation began to set in. He cast Fili a knowing look and instructed gravely, "Fili, don't give your brother any ideas."

_Who, me?_ Fili beamed innocently, tucking his hands behind his back and remembering the splattered remains of the poor, innocent spider who had met its end by Thorin's hammer after the leader had been - to put it lightly - startled awake.

Kili stilled with a sharp breath when Bilbo pulled his foot away, half-expecting the Hobbit to kick him in the face for his impudence. When no threat was made he lashed out with the stick again, his eyes gleaming with determination to unravel the mystery. Bilbo yipped softly and hastily backed away, holding up his hands for peace.

"I can still _feel_ that you know," he advocated, dodging another stab of Kili's weapon. He glanced towards Fili in concern as the "game" turned into a competition; one Kili had no intent to lose.

"Kili, stop," Fili warned softly, halting Kili's strike and taking away the stick.

The maddened glitter in Kili's expression was snuffed out instantly and he huddled back against Fili, unaware how caught up he had been in his fun until now. He had made a fool of himself _again_, and once more it had been in front of the very people he wanted to like him most.

"I'm s-sorry," he flustered, his face burning with shame as he ducked to avoid Bilbo's gaze. "I - I won't t-touch them again."

"It's all right, Kili," Bilbo answered gently, crouching down and regarding the young Dwarf until Kili reluctantly lifted his head. "Really. I'm not mad at you."

Kili diverted his eyes and nodded glumly, still feeling like he had messed up something important.

"Kili."

Once more Kili was compelled to meet Bilbo's eyes, and he wanted all the more to find a dark tunnel to hide away in when he saw the kindness in the Hobbit's expression. It wasn't _right _that they should be so nice to him, when all he did was say stupid things and get himself into more trouble. He didn't like to feel this way; like he was doing everything wrong and they still wanted him back. It felt so _different_ from the Goblin caverns, and he didn't know how to accept it.

"Kili, it's _fine_," Bilbo insisted quietly. "I don't mind; _really_. I just don't want you to get so caught up that you hurt yourself again."

Kili knew he should say something, but the words were blocked by the painful lump in his throat. Without any other response to offer he nodded again, blinking back the tears that glittered in his eyes and condemned him. _Weak, weak, weak!_

Bilbo and Fili exchanged a glance, and with a barely discernible shrug Bilbo dropped the matter. He did not move away as some of the others would when the atmosphere was strained, rather settled himself a short distance from Kili and watched the dreary show of Bofur carving slivers from a block of wood. It was hardly as though he had anything else to do, but Fili was still grateful that Bilbo had chosen to stick close by instead of escaping to the furthest corner of the lodge. Kili noticed this too, and eventually began to let down his edgy stance.

"Fili?" he whispered at length, casting a jealous glance towards Bilbo's unscarred feet. "C-can my feet become like Bilbo's?"

Fili snorted lightly and shook his head, ruffling Kili's hair and noting that the gesture was becoming a habit like the days of old. "Sorry, Kee," he shrugged. "Dwarrow can't develop anything like that. You'll have to be content with the boots for now."

"Oh, but I - I like my b-boots!" Kili responded enthusiastically, shaking his head wildly to deny that he would ever wish for an exchange. Maybe to have Bilbo's feet and _then_ get to wear boots would be sheer heaven, but by no means did Kili wish to lose Nori's gift - even if it _did_ mean he could get Hobbit feet.

Before Fili could make any kind of reply, twin shadows blocked the light of the door. Kili clapped his mouth shut and ducked against Fili as D_i_s stalked inside, followed closely by a slower paced and dour looking Thorin. D_i_s barely spared the other members of the Company a glance, giving Thorin the cold shoulder and sweeping to the side of the room where her two sons lay. Fili anticipated it long before she knelt behind them, but Kili was caught unaware when he and his brother were suddenly captured from behind in a fervent, desperate embrace.

One arm around Fili's shoulder and neck, and the other under Kili's arms, D_i_s held them both close and breathed deeply, the stormclouds gradually receding from her expression as she gathered her precious treasures close to her heart. Kili hitched for breath and looked in panic to Fili, beseeching an explanation for this unforeseen manner of affection. Fili winced and raised his eyes to the ceiling, hoping his little brother would somehow get the message.

This was not the first time he had been nearly strangled by his Mother when she was upset, and now D_i_s had two victims to favor instead of her only son. Something was wrong, and she was terrified that she would lose both of them. Fili did not know what had transpired between her and Thorin that afternoon, but for Kili's sake he prayed it did not involve him or his brother. He did not believe that either of them could face one more blow after all they had endured.

Eventually D_i_s loosened her grip, stroking Kili's hair aside and whispering to him softly in Khuzdul. The chanted litany seemed to speak to his lonely heart and he leaned back against her, closing his eyes against the tender brushes through his hair and mouthing the words as he tried to whisper back the distant melody he could no longer remember.

_What's going on, Mum?_ Fili wanted to plea, an unnameable fright building in him as he watched the emotions war on D_i_s' features.

"You will both be fine," D_i_s assured herself, a tear breaking loose in a droplet of crystal to streak down Kili's hair. "Mahal protect you both where I cannot."

"Mum," Fili interrupted, a shiver lancing down his spine as he begged her to take notice. "_What is going on?"_

Equal disturbance shone in Kili's apprehensive gaze and he pleaded for an explanation. D_i_s seemed to shake loose of her inner turmoil and she smiled sadly, giving a short laugh as though nothing was amiss.

"Do not trouble yourself," she said quietly. "Thorin and I had ... a few matters to discuss. Everything will be all right."

The dark shadow of foreboding on Thorin's features as he meticulously picked the bark off a twig did little to allay Fili's trepidation. "Mum..." he started to say.

"_Fili_," D_i_s insisted, running her hand down the back of his head and imploring for him to listen and obey without question. "Leave it for now?"

He could not argue with her, and with a shudder of reluctance Fili forced himself to halt the words that stuttered in his throat. He nodded uncomfortably and leaned away, placing his arm around Kili's shoulder and squeezing his brother's arm. Trust enveloped Kili's entreating gaze and he offered a small smile at D_i_s, resting in the assurance that with Fili there, all would be well. Nothing could happen to him as long as his big brother was around.

"Look after him," D_i_s whispered, clasping Fili's shoulder one more time as she rose to her feet and returned to the fire.

A small cloister was gathering around Thorin now, and Fili watched the hushed discussion with growing unease. He knew he was being treated like a child. They had left him in the dark, secretly divulging their plans lest some hidden danger unfold and grasp him in the clutches of dread. Even Ori was cautiously inching forward to catch the veiled words, and _Fili_ was being ordered to stay in the background where he would not cause any trouble. The thought was infuriating, and it was only respect for his Uncle and the fact that Kili was presently nestled in his arms that kept Fili from demanding an explanation.

Bilbo fidgeted close by, his loyalty torn between the leaders of the quest and the vulnerable children sitting beside him. There was no one else to stand alongside them, however, and so he waited out the long afternoon, lingering until darkness fell; when Kili curled up to sleep against his brother, and Fili's determination to remain awake fled as he was drawn into the visions of Erabor and the kingdom he had never seen. Only then did Bilbo rise to his feet, plodding away with the stealth and silence that only Hobbits can understand. At the brink of the roaring fire he settled himself, listening intently and posing an occasional question of his own as Beorn, Gandalf, and the elders of the Company discussed the future of the youngest ones. Long into the reaches of dawn they spoke, until one by one Dori, Bombur, Nori, Bofur, Balin, Oin, Gloin, and at last Bilbo leaned back and closed their eyes.

For several hours Gandalf did not speak, contemplating the task set before them. His eyes flitted ever watchfully towards the sleeping young ones in the corner of the room, the fondness in his gaze unmistakable in spite of the gravity with which he considered their fate. Beorn returned to the outdoors while Dwalin stood by the open doorway, his stance rigid as he guarded those whom he almost considered to be his own. Bifur continued to press D_i_s with questions for some time, signing in Iglishmêk until D_i_s, too, was caught up in the gentle tides of night. Only Thorin remained active, checking to see that Ori had not rolled too close to the fire, and spreading a cloak over his sister before leaving the main company to their own care.

Only Gandalf was awake to observe as Thorin removed his cloak and gently eased Kili away from Fili, tensing in baited silence when he mumbled in protest and reached out for his brother. The young Dwarf soon calmed and Thorin settled down between the two, laying Kili down in his own lap and allowing Fili to lean more comfortably against him. His cloak he spread over his youngest nephew's inert form, and the touch of a smile eased the worn lines on his face when Kili snuggled into the material and buried his nose in the thick fur. Fili, too, appeared to slip into a deeper slumber, the stress draining from his furrowed brow as he slumped against Thorin's shoulder.

With a deep sigh of regret the guardian pulled both his charges close, keeping silent vigil for one final night. One last night to hold them close and swear no harm would come to them. One last night to fulfill his vow to protect them to the end of his days.

One final night ... and one that Thorin feared he would never see again.

* * *

**Unfortunately, this is not going to end like I Will Protect You. Just thought I'd warn the readers ahead of time. : /**

**What can I say... the Muses are conniving little fiends. Feed them or they might trade Kili to Azog for more chocolate and Starbucks. XD (Seriously, though, they might just do that...)**


	16. Broken Promise

**I seem to have given the impression to a few readers that I am "threatening" a terrible outcome in order to get more reviews. Allow me to clear up a few things right now. ;)**

**1. Reviews do not change the outcome. They do influence the course of the story a great deal, but once I have determined the finish it generally will not change. (However, enough screams of 'DON'T YOU DARE KILL KILI!' do often convince me that maybe that is not a smart thing to do...) ****Generally my "threatening" author notes are a tool to warn readers ahead of time, so that they can properly hate me when I drop an unexpected ending. (Yes, I feed on people screaming 'WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!')**

**2. As far as I have seen, these "threats" do not gain me more reviews. Like I said, all they do is warn the readers beforehand and get them waiting on the edge of their seat for the next chapter (and threatening ME instead). I have been doing this kind of thing since my first story "I Will Protect You."**

**3: Yes, the Muses are annoying, and yes, they are never going away. Easy fix: If anyone hates the Muses, they are welcome to skip the author's notes. Those who like the Muses (or at least tolerate them) can feel free to leave a starbucks card and a slice of cake in their next review. :3**

**Did I cover everyone's questions? :)**

**With that point discussed, on to the story!**

* * *

Dew glittered like the shards of a broken mirror upon a meadow of emerald green. Rose tinged fringes of dawn still tainted the horizon over the mountains, outlining them in the flaming glory of the rising sun. Wreathed in the powerful aura of the sunrise, Thorin stood in silence and allowed the peace of the early morning to prepare him for the task which lay before him.

The council had met, and the lot had been determined. Thorin trusted the wisdom of his advisers, and he trusted in his own belief that this was the right choice. He would not falter in his decision. Logic and sound reasoning assured him of what must be done.

Gut instinct jarred him with the wrenching feeling that he was making a mistake he would regret for the remainder of his life.

With a heavy heart Thorin turned his back on the sunrise, squaring his shoulders and breathing deeply as he prepared to deliver the news. They would hate him for his dictation. Fili especially would be angered, but Thorin could not waver. Too many lives were at stake.

Thorin had nearly lost one of them already. He could not face the agony of watching Kili die a second time.

The brilliance of the morning plunged into blackness as Thorin stepped back into the enclosure of the cabin. He waited for a moment as his eyes adjusted to the dimmer light, grey clouds swarming his vision before he blinked them away. The air was tense and surreal, a fog of disillusionment enveloping the Company as they bustled to pack the supplies and equipment Beorn had provided for the journey ahead.

No one wanted to voice the dark truth that was yet veiled from Fili and Kili's knowledge. No one wanted to admit they had agreed to that which was soon to take place. That burden was left to Thorin alone.

D_i_s aimlessly retied the cloth bindings of one of the satchels Beorn had given them, inspecting her knots before picking them apart once more with nimble, calloused fingers. Her gaze was distant, a flicker of destitution causing her to falter as she though once more of the evil fates which could befall either of her children.

Thorin clasped her shoulder and D_i_s turned to him with stricken eyes, silently beseeching, '_Is there no other way?'_

He did not answer, and D_i_s bowed her head in acceptance. There _was _another way; a risky, treacherous alternative which would mean certain death for either or both of her children.

Kili could not accompany Thorin and hope to survive the perils of Mirkwood in the state he was in.

Fili could not accompany D_i_s and Dwalin, for every added follower assured greater chance that the Goblins could track down and slay them all.

Kili belonged in the Blue Mountains, where he could recover slowly and understand that he was truly freed from the slavers.

Fili belonged on the quest for his homeland; a Prince returning from exile for the sake of his people, reclaiming that which was rightfully their own.

Kili would not understand the endless trek; plodding onward in the searing heat or running for his life from Goblins and Orcs, all for another Mountain filled with darkness and treasure long forgotten.

Fili understood the pride of his heritage and felt it an honor to endure the cold and hunger in order to return to a home he knew only from stories and legends.

Kili would be lonely and frightened without his brother, but he would not be alone. D_i_s would never let him out of her sight again, and Dwalin would be there to protect them both.

Fili would feel angry and betrayed when the decision was made for him, but he would understand over time. He would survive and be the stronger for it, and he would have all the more resolve to strive onward until he could return to his family with his head held high and the promise of a shelter and kingdom for his brother.

Neither Kili nor Fili would forgive them for what was about to be done, but _they had no choice._ There was no other way.

"Fili! Fili! Are we g-going now? Do I get to try my b-boots? Oin, am - am I ready?"

Thorin and D_i_s blanched as Kili's chattering filtered through the commotion of preparations. With wide, excited eyes Kili watched the proceedings, his head whipping to the sides as he tried to take in every single action playing out around him. He was sitting up with his arms wound tightly around his knees, rocking back and forth and testing Oin's patience as any sudden movement threatened to wrench his shoulder or tear the stitches in his back.

"Now, who gave you permission to be up and about?" Oin lectured, his show of aggravation diminished by the fondness that shone in his eyes. Fondness that was already lanced with nostalgia as he shook his head at Kili's wild anticipation. "Rest easy now, lad," he said with a sigh of discouragement. "You shall not be running anywhere if you wrench those wounds again."

Kili pouted and cast his boots a baleful glance, eager to be _up_ and _moving_ and going everywhere with his new family. He didn't like being sick. It made him useless, and then he was a bother to Fili, and no one wanted him around because he could not _do anything_ to help. How could he be useful, though, if he was always being told to sit down and not hurt himself further?

"C-can I - ?"

"No!" Oin broke in with a roll of his eyes. "Stay where you are and allow us to do the work, Kili." Under his breath he muttered, "Stubborn as his great-grandfather, that one."

Kili sighed long-sufferingly and tucked his chin onto his knees, sulking quietly until something new caught his eye and he was caught up in the distractions once more. His head whipped to the side and the intricate braids D_i_s had woven into his hair swung about and batted him in the face. Kili scrunched up his nose and rubbed his cheek where a silver bead had hit him. His face lit up when Fili walked past, however, and he grabbed his brother's arm to point out for the fourth time,

"Fili, look! She -she put them i-in my hair!"

With a contagious grin Kili dipped his head to show off the delicate net of braids, proudly displaying the tarnished and gleaming silver beads woven into the plaits at the back of his head. Several new beads also glittered in the firelight and he ecstatically pointed these out, chattering about the designs and how they all looked different and 'Wasn't it nice that Gloin and Dori and Nori didn't need them and gave them to Mom to put in my hair?'

With patience Thorin could not fathom, Fili listened intently to his brother's jabbering and nodded as though fascinated with the information. Kili twirled his braids around and laughed, his thrill painfully likened to that of a child dressing up for a formal celebration. How much he had digressed in those years of darkness, trapped in a life of slavery and envisioned worthlessness before he had finally been set free. Thorin wondered if they could ever make up for that lost time. Even if it were possible, he doubted the Kili they all remembered would ever return. Too much had been destroyed in those years of torment. Kili needed so much more than what they all had to offer.

"When will you tell them?" D_i_s asked in a hushed, tremulous whisper.

"Soon," Thorin responded evasively.

He could not force himself to break the news to them yet. It would break Kili's heart and shatter Fili's trust in the wisdom of his leaders. No one should be forced to bear the burden of tyranny in the eyes of those who looked up to them, but for Thorin this blow was inevitable. It was the only way he could ensure that at least one of them lived.

"Everything is ready," Fili broke in tentatively, warily gauging Thorin and D_i_s' reactions and scrutinizing their expressions for the answers he sought. He haphazardly swiped the dust from his sleeves, sneezing as the chaff from brushing down Beorn's ponies irritated his nose.

_Tell him,_ D_i_s silently implored.

Still Thorin hesitated, breathing deeply and shifting from one foot to the other as he tried to discern the gentlest means to break the news to his eldest nephew. Fili fidgeted uncomfortably, sensing the baited silence was about to end.

"Mum?" he questioned softly, his gaze flickering between Thorin and D_i_s.

"Fili..." Thorin began carefully, unable to keep the reluctance from his voice as he searched for the right words.

"I should get Kili ready," Fili interrupted readily, a desperate note tainting his words. _Whatever it is you have to say, I realize now that it is something I do not want to hear. Prove to me first that all is well, and then I will follow whatever orders you wish. _"I can carry him the first league, Uncle. He's not heavy."

"Kili is not coming."

Had Fili been struck with a wave of frigid water, his shock would not have been more paralyzing. The room abruptly stilled and Kili's smile vanished, fear replacing the hope in his eyes as he glanced fervently to his brother.

"... _What?_" Fili breathed, stepping back dizzily for a moment before he forced himself to rationalize the situation. With a pathetic attempt at a smile he responded, "This is a joke, isn't it? Revenge for the time Bifur and I scared Bilbo to death by warning him of the Orcs?" With a forced chuckle he added lightly, "It's ... it's very funny, Uncle; I get it now. We already promised we would never do that again."

"Fili."

The glint of false humor vanished and disbelief flooded Fili's eyes like two wells of bottomless crystal. "No," he said softly, shaking his head in denial. "He's coming_ with us_, Uncle. Tell Uncle Thorin that Kili is coming with us, Mum. We can't ... we can't expect to _abandon _him after all he's been through!"

"_Fee?" _Kili piped up softly, his eyes large and frightened as he looked between Thorin and his Mom. Fili sucked in a sharp breath at the implicit _trust_ that shone in Kili's eyes as he finally settled his gaze on his brother. It was the quiet nod that nearly broke him. Kili _expected_ him to make the situation right. He knew Fili would not let him down.

"Fili," D_i_s spoke up, holding up her hand for silence when Fili whipped around to denounce her unspoken reasoning. "There is too much danger in the wilds. Dwalin and I will take him back the Blue Mountains. He will be safer with us, Fili."

"Wha- No!" Fili objected, his braids swishing around as he whirled to face Dwalin accusingly. "He _belongs_ with us; can't you see that by now? After everything he has been through, you want to take him back over the Goblin's territory to a home he does not even _recognize_?"

"F-Fili?" Kili called worriedly, panic hitching his breathing as the terrible words echoed in his mind.

"Fili, stop this at once!" D_i_s ordered, pressing the fingers of one hand against her temple as she fought to make him _understand_. "He will be unable to walk for at least another week, and even if he could keep up with us now, he is too inexperienced to know what to do should he be without our guidance."

"So is Ori!" Fili defended vehemently. "Ori is even younger than Kili is, and yet he is permitted to stay!"

"Ori signed the contract," Thorin retorted sensibly. His gaze was dark and formidable, a clear sign for Fili to back down.

Fili paid no attention to the warning, replying airily, "Then get another contract written up if you have to! You know he would sign it willingly, and he already knows enough about Goblins and Orcs to - "

"The contract is not the point," D_i_s interrupted, her eyes flashing in rebuke at her son's rebellion. "Would you ask him to continue on in spite of the hunters on your trail? _Azog,_ your grandfather and great-grandfather's murderer, is still alive! Do you think any mercy will be shown if he were to find Kili when we were unable to protect him?"

For an instant Fili stilled, alarm causing the blood to drain from his face. Perhaps now would have been the moment for Thorin to declare the matter closed. He could not stop himself, however, and anger warred against empathy as he considered how _little _Fili knew.

No more than _he_ had known before the death of Frerin.

"Do you realize what you are asking, Fili? You lost Kili once before, but you never held his body after the deed was over." Thorin drew in a ragged breath, forcing the words between clenched teeth as the pain of a deep, inner wound overwhelmed him. "I _watched_ my brother die."

D_i_s closed her eyes tightly, her brow quivering as she absorbed the retelling of a loss she was never meant to bear.

"He was my younger brother," Thorin continued, ignoring Fili's blanch as he glanced furtively towards Kili. A slow, grave nod confirmed his nephew's worst imaginings. _Yes, Fili, just like __Kili__. _

"I thought... I believed ... I _knew _I could prevent anything from happening to him." The words were harder to form, the memory searing like a jagged brand upon his mind and his heart. "I ... allowed him to follow me into battle."

Horror clawed at Fili throat and Thorin halted his tale, unable to voice the scene that haunted his waking nights. _How the three straggling Orcs they chased were grouped by fifty others, waiting in the forest eves to waylay those who followed their comrades. How the blood of warriors, frail and strong alike, spilled across the ground under the scimitars of the enemy. How Frerin's eyes widened in shock as a jagged knife ripped through his stomach, blood pooling around his hands as he staggered to his knees. How Thorin's thoughts had careened to a standstill as he desperately clenched his hands around the gaping hole, tendrils of organs and muscle trailing out in the knife's wake_.

_Gut wound. Nothing to be done. There would only be hours of screaming and writhing under the white hot flashes of torment before sunset claimed another life. _

_He had seen these wounds before; watched hopelessly as the healers administered a draught that would allow the warrior to slip into death peacefully within minutes. There was no healing for this manner of injury. Death was imminent, and it was only an act of mercy to deliver a swift and sudden end._

_This could not happening. Not to Frerin. Not to his little brother._

_Frerin's eyes met his and Thorin wanted to scream in denial and slam his fist into the ground. He wanted to grab his brother's shoulders and shake him; to shout in his face and order him not to die. Frerin would listen to him; he always tried to follow in his sibling's footsteps; he would not disappoint Thorin. _

_He would lie in a semi-lucid state for hours, thrashing in agony and screaming for some means to alleviate the pain, but he would not close his eyes once. Not if Thorin told him not to. Not until the last streaks of a bloody sunset sank over the hills would he grasp his brother's hand and beg to be allowed to let go._

_Thorin knew Frerin would do all of this, and more besides. Terrified, anguished dark eyes met his and Thorin felt an icy blade stab into his own heart. Hands stained with his little brother's blood clasped Frerin's hand, anchoring Thorin as his mind unraveled with horror._

_"Frerin, stay with me," he whispered helplessly. _

_He wanted to grovel and plea for the mercy of the higher powers to save his brother's life. He wanted Frerin to stop playing this charade and jump to his feet with a cheeky grin, shaking his head at his older brother's gullibility. He wanted to tear himself away from this nightmare; will the blood and gore away and wake up to find his brother safe and whole and worried sick over Thorin's delirious murmurings._

_"...Th-Tho...rin..?" Frerin choked, his eyes bewildered as the shock of the blow settled in. He coughed wetly and arched back as a wave of agony slammed into him. "H-h-hurts!" he screamed past clenched teeth, his hand clenching until the circulation in Thorin's fingers was cut off. _

_Frerin's eyes were glazed with trauma and anguish, and Thorin wept as he gathered his brother close. Frerin convulsed in his arms, his teeth clacking together as another scream was ripped from his throat. Blood trickled down his lips where he had bitten through his tongue, and Thorin squeezed his eyes shut as he realized the worst was still to come. No one died quickly from this manner of wound. _

_"Th-Th-Thorin?" Frerin stammered, gasping for breath as the first wave of pain faded into a sharp throb. "Wh-what's happening?"_

_Shudders rippled through him and he whimpered in the back of his throat as another spasm trickled through his abdomen. Tears flowed freely down Thorin's face as he tucked Frerin's face into his shoulder, hiding him from the grisly injury. Frerin trembled and drew in a stuttering gasp, tearing the cloth of Thorin's coat as he yanked on the material._

_"Th-Thorin?" he supplicated again, searching his brother's expression for comfort. "You can find ... find a healer, r-ight? Is - is it too ... too far away?" _

_A frantic light glinted in Frerin's eyes as he caught the hopelessness in Thorin's gaze. "I'm not ... not going to die," he insisted, pulling harshly on his brother's coat to emphasize his statement. _

_Thorin could say nothing, the flash of cold steel and the pulsing gush of Frerin's blood replaying before him in an endless reel of horror. Panic lit in Frerin's gaze and he supplicated, "I'm not g..going to die... Th-Thorin?"_

_Cold realization rivetted Thorin to the ground and he bowed his head, kissing the top of his little brother's head one last time before placing his hand over Frerin's eyes. "Don't look," he whispered huskily, tears streaming down his face as he plucked up his dagger from the ground._

The merciful white haze took over before the memory could replay itself completely. Thorin's face was ashen as he turned away, incapable of speech. D_i_s never knew that it was not the Orc's jagged blade that had finally killed her brother. She would never know that Thorin himself had ended Frerin's life to spare his brother the agony which no healer would be capable of alleviating. No remedies or pain relievers would have diminished the pain to a bearable level. Long hours of torment would end only in the torturous throes of death, and as the coward that he was, Thorin could not bear to see his little brother endure such pain.

In the end Frerin's death had been swift. The life drained from him as swiftly as the blood flowing from his slashed throat, and he had died peacefully in Thorin's arms.

Frerin had known peace in the end. Thorin would never find his own. There was no forgiveness for those who murdered their own kin.

He had vowed he would _never _allow Fili to share the same fate.

"Your Mother almost died at Azog's hand," Thorin relayed, as though Frerin's death alone could not convince Fili there were dangers he could never prevent. "When the wargs attacked ... she thought she could take on Azog on her own... I almost lost her, Fili."

D_i_s blushed and intently studied her fingernails, and Thorin placed a hand on her shoulder in reassurance. In truth, she had tried to save his life when he failed to kill Azog single-handed, but a swipe of the White Warg had gashed her arm and thrown her directly into the Pale Orc's path. Thorin would never forget the cold dread that had washed over him when Azog grasped his little sister by the throat and held her in the air, slowly crushing her windpipe until a combined attack from Dwalin and Bifur forced him to retreat.

Fili had learned of the horror coupled with the loss of a sibling when his brother was torn away by Goblins, but he had never experienced the terror of watching helplessly as the life was slowly, agonizingly drained from a loved one's eyes. He had never faced the numbing anguish of holding his brother's limp, bloody corpse. He had never understood the sickening betrayal of a mercy killing.

_And I swear you will never know any of this, Fili. If with my last breath I can prevent it, you will never be forced to live through what I have suffered._

"Kili is going home," Thorin emphasized, signalling an end to the discussion. He turned away, his shoulders burdened with the renewed guilt of a memory he could not erase; an unforgivable deed he could never take back.

Fili's eyes were glazed and deadened with the weight of Thorin's revelation. His footsteps dragged as he pulled away, his eyes riveting on Kili's pale, nauseated features. With a stifled cry in the back of his throat Fili ran forward, dropping to his knees beside his brother and pulling Kili close to him. Kili sniffled and buried his face in Fili's shoulder, shuddering with fear that remained unspoken.

For a long moment Fili sat in dazed silence, clutching his brother tightly and squeezing his eyes shut against the horrendous images of what could have taken place if the Eagles had not rescued them from the fire. Kili wound his arms securely around Fili's arm, hiding his face behind his hair as he pleaded,

"D-Don't go..."

"I told you, I will never leave you alone," Fili assured with a sharp dip of his head. To Thorin and D_i_s he announced, "If Kili is going home, then I am going with him."

An awkward hush filled the room, and the familiar foreboding clenched Fili's heart.

Thorin opened his mouth to speak, but it was D_i_s who indicated for silence. She knelt before her sons and placed a hand on Kili's cheek, reaching towards Fili before he stiffened and drew away. Sighing quietly, D_i_s sat back and regarded her eldest with solemn regret.

"You need to go with your Uncle," she said with quiet finality.

"I'm not leaving - "

"You asked me in the beginning how you could lead your people if you did not fight for that which rightfully belonged to them," D_i_s brought to mind.

Fili shook his head adamantly, arguing, "That was before - "

"_Nothing_ has changed, Fili," D_i_s responded. "I understood why you must leave, and that is why I chose for you to go with my blessing. I see the wisdom in your quest, and I believe that you are right. You need to go with them, Fili. One day you will rule your people, and you must be willing to sacrifice all for them; just as your father, your grandfather, and your Uncle have been forced to do."

"You just told me how important it was to look out for your family!" Fili defended, his eyes stricken as he pleaded to stay. "Kili _needs_ me, Mum! I can't leave him now!"

"Kili will not be alone," D_i_s assured calmly. "He will miss you, and he will wait for you, but he will not be abandoned. _If_ he goes with you," she emphasized as Fili tried to interrupt, "There is little chance he will return. If you go with him, there is all the more chance that we will all be captured and killed."

She waited for the dire prediction to settle in. "He will be safer in the Blue Mountains, Fili. He _will_ wait for you there, and you will know that he will be alive and well when you return. "

There would be no nights of hunger for Kili, no desperate hopes that the scanty rations would last until fresh game was found. He would not lie awake in fear at night, waiting for an Orc to sneak up behind him and slit his throat.

"Go with your Uncle to Erabor," D_i_s instructed fervently. "See to it that his home in Erabor is secured. When you return, he will greet you with joy, and you will know that he no longer has any reason to be afraid."

"I don't w_ant_ to go," Fili insisted in a wavering voice.

D_i_s' expression was empathetic, but it declared there was no room for argument. "We are not giving you a choice, Fili," she spoke in a low, guarded tone. "When you signed your name under the Company, you swore that you would follow Thorin's leadership even if you did not agree with his orders. I have listened to my brother's ruling since the destruction of Erabor; he is your King, and you will do the same. You are a Prince of Durin. You are the heir to the throne, and you will not neglect the responsibility that has been yours since birth."

Sweeping Kili's hair back as tears of dejection streaked down her youngest's features, D_i_s rose to her feet and nodded to Fili. "It is a choice all of us have had to make," she reminded, a dull ache slicing through her as she remembered all they had lost along the way. With a sad, fond smile she murmured, "You have never had to really grow up... not until this moment. My dear, sweet little Fili..."

Her own tears she blinked back hurriedly as she whirled on her heel and swept away, swiping a hand across her eye lest the crystal droplets fall and betray her. His mother's sympathies did little to comfort Fili, however, and though the burden of understanding weighed down upon him he did not want to listen to the voice of his conscience.

_This is what you were trained for. This is what you have been waiting for all along. This is your time to hold fast and prove the strength of the Line of Durin; to prove that Thorin was chose rightly in naming you his heir. This is the day you emerge a Prince and leave the remnants of childhood behind._

Yet Fili could not do it. He could not lose sight of the fact that he was abandoning Kili after all that he had promised. Perhaps the worst thought was that this was no longer his choice to make, and frustration and anger curdled inside of him as he realized they were forcibly tearing him away from his brother.

He had no choice.

Every instinct yearned to rebel; to shout at Thorin and disown everything he had learned; to denounce his heritage and his destiny and turn his back on all he had ever known. For Kili, he should have done this.

For his elders and for the Dwarven race, could not allow himself to do so.

Honor held him back. Respect stilled his tongue. Responsibility told him to _go_.

He could not betray his little brother.

He could not turn a blind eye to the trust and depedance of all who looked up to him as heir to the throne.

He could not bear the tears of abandonment glimmering in Kili's eyes.

He could not stand under the shame of failing his people.

He had to _go._

"N-no..." Kili hitched, realization dawning in his eyes as he saw the resolution in his brother's features. "N-no! No! You c-c-can't go!"

"Kili..." Fili shook his head, words failing him as he looked into his brother's desperate gaze and yearned for a way to help him understand.

"_No!" _Kili shouted, grabbing a handful of Fili's coat and refusing to let go. "Y-you - you p-promised! You s-said you w-wouldn't l-leave me!"

No dagger would have cut deeper at this moment. No torture would have caused greater pain.

"Kili, I _will_ come back," Fili vowed, cerulean eyes shining in the fire's glow as he wrapped his arms around his brother and held him close one last time. "I _won't_ leave you forever. I _will_ return, and this time I will never leave you again."

Kili was deaf to his reasoning. He shook his head wildly, no longer caring that one of his beads slipped loose and _clinked _on the wooden floor. "Y-y-you p-promised!" he cried out. "Y-y-you s-said you w-wouldn't - wouldn't ever g-go!"

"Please, Kili, don't make this any harder for me!" Fili implored, wincing as his brother struck his chest with a fist in his frustration. "You don't understand what it is like to have others depending on you. I _have _to do this."

"Th-they're m-making you!" Kili argued fiercely, glowering at Thorin and leaning further against Fili. "Th-they s-said you h-had to - "

"No, Kili," Fili shook his head, sorrow splitting his heart in two. "_I_ made my decision. This is ... this is where I need to be. I want to stay with you and Mum... but I also belong here, with Thorin and the rest of those who are fighting to reclaim our homeland."

The light slowly died in Kili's eyes, and he suddenly _knew._ "Y-you... you're g-going away?" he whispered, rejection filling his voice as he searched Fili's expression. In a hushed whisper he realized, "You - you - you w-want to - to go..."

_You don't want me anymore. You want to be as far from me as possible. You hate me. I messed up. You don't want me around any longer. I'm weak. I'm pathetic and I annoy you and you're tired of looking after me._

_You don't want me anymore._

"Kili, it's not that at all!" Fili defended, helpless remorse slicing through him as warm tears slipped down Kili's cheeks. "I - I ..."

What more he say that would allay his brother's fears, when it was true that he was _willingly_ leaving Kili alone? Words alone would not heal this bitter wound. With a muffled sob Fili pulled Kili tight against him, clinging to him with such fervency as though he would never see his brother again. Tremulous whimpers sounded as Kili buried his face behind the veil of his hair, hiding his tears as he cried for loneliness.

Fili was going away. He had messed up somehow, and he would never see his brother again.

Fili did not want him any longer.

"F-Fee?" Kili pleaded, hoping that the name would remind Fili that he really _did_ love him after all. "P-please? I'm s-s-sorry! D-don't g-g-go?"

The only answer was a choked sob of anguish. Kili ducked his head against Fili's shoulder and burst into tears, inconsolable as the most important person in his life was ripped away.

How long Fili sat there, holding his weeping brother and fighting the condemning voice that whispered that he was a horrible, traitorous brother who was forsaking the only person who meant the world to him, Fili did not know. Reality closed over him in an icy wave when Bofur placed a hand on his shoulder and hesitantly spoke,

"Laddie... it's time ta go."

Kili wailed and held on tighter, crying out when Fili gently untangled his grip and pulled away. "F-Fili! I'm s-sorry!" he shouted, tears rasping his voice as he scrambled to grab for his brother. "I w-won't - won't be a b-burden, I'll - I'll be u-useful, I p-p-promise! F-Fili, d-don't leave me!"

D_i_s took Fili's place and held her youngest back, silently weeping as her most precious treasures were torn asunder. Kili screamed and held out his hand for Fili, waiting for his brother to run back and hug him tightly and promise that he still loved him and would never go away.

His head bowed as his heart shattered into irreparable shards, Fili ran past Thorin and escaped into the sunlight. He bowed his head and wept, his anguish mirrored in Thorin's face as the elder placed his hand on his nephew's shoulder in silent understanding.

"_F-Fee!_" Kili wailed, his cries tearing into Fili's heart with each wrenching echo. _"Fee!"_

Aching numbness blocked out all other thoughts and Fili allowed Thorin to lead him away, his sight blind to all save the agony in his brother's tormented, destitute eyes.

_"Fee-ee!"_

Tracks of moisture stained Bilbo's cheeks as he lingered in the doorway, fingering a trinket in his pocket as he watched the piteous display. With a last call for his brother Kili collapsed against D_i_s, crying uncontrollably as he realized Fili was never going to return. She held him close and murmured into his hair, her breath hitching as she tried to bridge the irreparable gulf that had torn open her littlest one's very soul. Desperate for someone to cling to, Kili dug his fingers into her blue coat and buried his face against her, lisping in despair,

_"F-Fili...Fili...Fee..."_

As D_i_s raised her eyes to him Bilbo uncomfortably cleared his throat, awkwardly shuffling into the room as he fiddled with the ring in his pocket. "I ... I know I can't do anything to help," he stated with a wince, "But ... if you should run into danger..."

He yanked his hand from his pocket, cringing as the simple act of opening his fingers seemed impossible. Sucking in a deep breath, Bilbo forced his hand to uncurl as he thrust the ring into Kili's hand. A weight seemed to lift off his shoulders and he squeezed his eyes shut before the glimmer of gold could change his mind.

"Keep it," he insisted, closing Kili's hand around the ring before the temptation to steal it back grew too strong. "It... it's a magical ring. If you should ever be caught, just slip this on. You'll be safe with it."

Kili's lip trembled, his eyes pleading, _You're not leaving me too, are you?_

"I ... I'll come back and visit you as soon as the quest is over," Bilbo sighed, looking away as the hope was dashed in Kili's eyes once more. "Just ... just get back home in one piece, all right? Take good care of him?" he nodded to D_i_s.

She cast him a stony glare, antagonized that her skills as a Mother would even be questioned. With another jerky nod Bilbo pulled away, giving Kili one last, apologetic look before he hastened after the Company.

"Fee-liiii!" Kili called one final time, his voice breaking with despair as he accepted that his brother would never come back for him. Quieter sobs wracked his thin shoulders as he pressed his face against D_i_s' arm and allowed her to shoulder his pain.

In the distance Fili wavered, yearning filling his expression as he took a step back towards the cabin. Thorin placed a hand on his shoulder and shook his head, and with a hard swallow Fili lowered his head and followed.

It was tearing Thorin apart to separate them like this, but he had no idea what damage he was causing by tearing Fili _away_. He would never realize until it was too late; until the gulf had widened to the point where it could not be crossed, and the lost years returned to haunt him with a vengeance as he reminisced all that could have been if he had only seen through the darkness of his past long enough to welcome a brilliant future.

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_**End Arc I**_

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**NOT the official end! X) See, I am a nice person and I listen to my reviewers. **

**Poor Kili; he is little more than a scared and lonely child right now. He has more resolve than Thorin gives him credit for, however, and someone is going to make a drastic move before this is over...**

**Many thanks to those who have stuck with the story so far. Your reviews keep the Muses alive so that they can keep pestering me to write more, which is especially important to me now since I am frequently distracted by new ideas and this is officially the LONGEST. STORY. EVER. Thank you for encouraging me to continue!**


	17. Arc II : Take Me Back

Shadows chased one another into the dark recesses of corners, only to leap out of the blackness in a glorious burst of firelight. Kili gasped and ducked his head under his arms, quivering as the empty room appeared to rear up to swallow him whole. His braids trailed limply in the dust, the silver beads seeming to loose their luster in wake of the gloom that had fallen over the cabin.

"Fee...? F-Fee?" Kili whispered, his voice tremulous and lost as he waited for his brother to magically reappear.

Fili did not walk back through the door, however, and the shadows remained. The silence gnawed at him, and Kili longed for the bursts of howling laughter or barked orders that would have sent him skittering for D_i_s' or Fili's protection on any other day. The air was still and oppressive and Kili felt as though he could no longer breathe. Somehow this was worse than the terse hush that fell over the room whenever the elders were upset. At least when that happened, Fili had been around to hold him close and say that no one was going to hurt him.

Now Kili was all alone.

He had wanted to be alone in the past; back when a "good day" meant that the Goblins would not single him out for a beating, or when "friends" were those who were too scared to fight him back for a handful of unidentifiable scraps. Being alone meant that no one would hurt him and he could close his eyes for a minute without someone grabbing him by the hair and slamming him into the wall for not working when he was supposed to. Being alone meant that he was safe for a few minutes; that none of the bigger slaves would hit him and push him into a Goblin's path just so they could laugh as one of the underlings squealed under the lash.

Being alone was good. It meant safety and darkness and pleasant dreams where he could pretend he was _'Kili'_ and not just another nameless slave.

But Kili did not want the darkness anymore. He did not want to be alone. He just wanted Fili to come back and say that he wanted him after all.

A single tear streaked a cold, ticklish path down his nose, and Kili sniffed it back miserably and rubbed his sleeve over his face. He really was was completely alone now; even _she_ had waited long enough and had finally moved away.

_"Do you think I made the right choice?"_ D_i_s' whisper drifted over the crackle of flames. A gruff murmur answered hers, the words undiscernable to Kili's ears. D_i_s shook her head and hugged herself, admitting brokenly,

_"I do not know what to think anymore, Dwalin. I just ... Mahal help us all, I do not know what to do..."_

Kili did not want to hear any more and he curled into a ball, pressing his forehead against his knees and pretending just for a moment that the room was loud and full of people and they all wanted him even though he was petulant and useless and he never did anything right. The illusion lasted only a moment and with numbing acceptance Kili allowed the fragments to slip through his fingers.

They did not want him any longer, but by the gods he wanted _them_. He wanted loud sounds and Oin shouting at him for getting up and Gloin telling him that he was an idiot and Bombur smiling happily when he dealt out breakfast and elevenses and Bilbo looking pale and greenish when he stood directly under Beorn's towering form and Bifur shooing Dori away when his hair got too close to Kili, and - the gods help him - he even wanted to see the Wizard's frightening eyebrows or Thorin's grim scowl if it just meant that he would see Fili and get to hold onto his brother one last time before they all went away again.

_Stupid, stupid feet!_ Kili thought, glaring at the bandages as though they held all the blame for taking Fili away from him. He choked on a dry sob, his tears spent even though the same crushing loneliness still threatened to strangle him. _You're weak and useless and you can't even stand on your own. No one wants a damaged slave; what made you think they would keep you around? _

He should have known better. How could he have been so blind to the truth? Kili did not know how long he had been here, but he had watched the sun go down twice now and he knew that was not a very long time. Why did he let himself believe that they would still want to keep him if he had not even proven he could stand on his own feet in that time.

_Weak. Stupid. Pathetic. Why didn't you learn? The one time you tried to stand up, you landed flat on your face._ Why had he lied to himself and allowed himself to believe that they would still want him after his countless failures? He had only made a fool of himself and confirmed everything they had suspected all along.

He did not deserve to stay with them, or to call them _brother_ and _Mom_ and _Uncle Thorin_. They had made that point clear, and somehow Kili had never learned. He should have been more cautious. He should not have let himself believe that dreams could come true.

_They don't want me... _Kili accepted with a dejected sigh, _... And now Mom and Mister Dwalin don't know what to do with a damaged, broken slave. _

But what was he supposed to do? He had followed Oin's orders and had not hurt his feet at all. He had slept often like they wanted him to, and he had done everything expected of him. Somehow even this was not enough, however, and Kili did not know what to do to erase whatever bad things he had done.

D_i_s' words to Fili echoed back in startling clarity, and suddenly Kili understood. _"...Unable to walk for at least another week ... too inexperienced to know what to do should he be without our guidance..."_

Unable to walk, and unable to survive. He _was_ nothing more than a burden to them. What had he expected; that they would carry him everywhere and watch him every minute to ensure he did not do something wrong and hurt himself or someone else? How could he have been so _stupid_ as to disillusion himself?

_"W-when c-can I put them on, Oin?"_

_"Not until those bandages come off lad - and __**don't**__ you even think about ripping them off right now."_

Kili had done as he was told. He had not ripped them off right then when he wanted to. Oin had never said anything about _now_, however...

Casting a furtive glance towards the opposite end of the fire where Dwalin and D_i_s were still deep in conversation, Kili eased a hand towards the bandages on his feet and fiddled around until he found a loose end. Gently he tugged on the material, carefully unwinding the strips of cloth. A spike of pain lanced up his feet as a stretch of skin was pulled away from raw, still healing flesh. With a stifled gasp Kili bit on his lip, quelling the whimper that stuttered in the back of his throat. He hastily dropped the bandage and glanced down at the white strips of cloth to ensure no fresh blood stains showed. The attempt had not caused enough damage to break through the deeper layers of skin, however, and with a quiet sigh of relief Kili eased the bandage back around and tucked the loose end out of sight.

Oin said he had to take the bandages off before he could put his boots on ... but did he have to take _all_ the bandages off first?

Kili's eyes flickered back and forth and he rolled his shoulders uncomfortably. He wasn't supposed to disobey... but he wasn't getting _anywhere_ lying around and doing as he was told. He should listen to Oin and not aggitate his wounds further... but he had worked with even worse injuries. The Goblins did not care about fever or pain. If a slave could not work they did not deserve to be kept alive.

... Was that the fate that lay in store for him?

A wave of nausea plastered Kili to the floor and he gasped a stuttering intake of breath, cold horror enveloping him as he suddenly realized why they had made Fili leave.

Fili did not want to go.

He did not want to watch Kili die.

They had taken him away so that he would not have to see it happen.

They had known that Bilbo and Fili would protect him, and so they had ordered them to leave so that he would not cause any trouble begging for their help. They wanted it over quickly, and they had left Dwalin to take care of it.

But why did Mom want him dead?

_She - she's not - she doesn't know,_ Kili ascertained at once, forcing himself to believe it. The dull pain he felt inside grew until he felt like a warg had raked its claws across his heart. _She doesn't know! She doesn't know! Sh- she'll try to stop Dwalin but he's too strong and then she'll be angry that they killed me because she never wanted it to happen. She loves me! She doesn't want me to die!_

Aulë and Mahal and Durin and ... and Mandos or whatever other things Gloin had spoken of... They were going to _kill_ him, and he had let himself fall into the trap without question. He _had_ to get away.

_Prove... prove it to them..._ Kili thought desperately, grabbing one of his boots and yanking it on as spikes of white hot pain lanced behind his eyes. _K-keep up... won't fall back... can walk... they - they won't kill me if Fili is there to see it. They - they want me alone. Won't be alone... Fili won't let it happen ... Mom'll find out and she'll be mad and Thorin'll have to let me live. J-just get up and run...!_

His right foot felt as though it was being split open and Kili bit through his lip as he shoved it into the patched leather. A whimpered cry escaped him and he gasped when Dwalin and D_i_s looked his way.

"Kili, what are you doing?"

_No, no... get up and run! C-catch you and kill you and - and you'll never s-see Fili or - or sunsets or - or anything again and - and - and - Aulë and Mahal I can't __**do this!**_

Kili scrambled to his feet and froze like a startled yearling, his eyes wide and terrified as Dwalin stepped forward. _Go, go, go...!_ his mind urged, screaming at him to stop waiting and _Get out!_ while he had the chance.

_B-B-Bilbo's ring..._ he thought frantically, fumbling for the bright gleam of metal as D_i_s began to run forward. _H__e s-said use it in danger ... this is danger, isn't it?_

A panicked cry was torn free and Kili stumbled backwards as Dwalin reached for him, his massive hands closing over empty air as the younger Dwarf ducked.

"Kili, stop!" D_i_s shouted, her expression horrified as Kili staggered towards the wall. "What is w_rong_?"

_Bilbo... ring... put it on, __**put it on!**_

Dwalin reached forward once more, his manner urgent yet hesitant as he tried not to frighten the terrified little one further. Kili did not see the compassion in his eyes; only the burning desire to_ capture and kill_. Breaking for the door, he swerved past Dwalin and collapsed to his knees outside, forcing himself to crawl away from the open doorway as he shoved on Bilbo's ring. Sunlight broke out in blinding rays for one instant before it was blotted out in a sea of clouds and shadows. Kili raised his hands to cover his eyes and cried out in surprise, his voice blocked out by D_i_s' frantic call behind him.

"Where is he, Dwalin? Didn't you see which way he went?"

"He rounded the corner and then..." Dwalin's voice trailed off as he rounded the corner, looking straight at Kili. His features were white and grey and seemed to blur as he stepped forward. Unable to make a sound for fear, Kili scrambled back on his hands and swallowed thickly, waiting for the warrior's axe to sink into his throat.

To his astonishment Dwalin turned away, his sharp gaze raking the land as though he was still searching for his escaped quarry. D_i_s skittered out of the cabin to stand alongside Dwalin, and for an instant she looked straight at Kili. Her eyes were desperate; searching; yearning to learn the fate of that which she sought. Kili held her gaze with dumbstruck terror, pleading silently,

_Don't tell him, please don't tell him. Pretend that you don't know I'm here - you don't even see me. You don't want me killed, Mom, right...? You'll tell him I'm not here?_

He could not bear the pain of imagining he might be wrong.

With a voice that was oddly pitched and shrill in the seeping mists, D_i_s spoke to Dwalin and shook her head. Kili fell back against the cabin wall in limp relief.

_She didn't betray me. She loves me and she told him I wasn't there._

"...find Beorn..."

_Beorn._ Instinctively Kili knew that he could not hope to escape from _him_. Somehow Beorn would know, and magical rings would do nothing to help Kili evade his all seeing gaze. He could not stay here any longer.

_Get up!_ his mind screamed, warring against the tiredness that pleaded with equal fervor that he stay here and sleep until the pain went away. With a quiet moan Kili pushed himself up against the cabin wall, lurching forward and biting back a yell as the still healing gash in his foot split open in a flood of warm, sticky liquid. _Oin is going to be mad at me now..._

_Don't stop!_ the voice continued to goad him on. _Find Fili. Fili will protect you. Fili won't let anything happen. They can't be far ahead. Hurry!_

More limping strides. More spears of agony that spread from his ankles to his calves and stabbed into the muscles of his knees. His back ached terribly and his head was beginning to throb, yet those pains were almost indiscernible compared to the thin blades being thrust between the individual bones of his feet with each step.

_Just find Fili. Find Fili._

The mantra was all that kept Kili from giving up and curling into a limp huddle on the ground. He could _do_ this! He had toiled with worse injuries. The rest at Beorn's had made him soft and lazy, but he would not be considered weak again. They would be glad for him to accompany them and they would never ask him to leave. He would be _useful_ and he would no longer have to die.

_Fili won't let them kill you. Find Fili. He'll keep you safe._

The trees swam around him like ghosts in a world of shadows. Kili swallowed dryly and shuddered, lurching on with renewed urgency. He did not _like_ this world. When Fili had taken him outside, the sun had been warm and bright and the grass soft and green, and the sky a beautiful, turquoise blue or amber against the dark rise of the mountains. This world was neither warm nor beautiful, however. The air felt cold and evil and the trees seemed to grasp for him with greedy hands, and whispers just like the Goblin's malicious taunts hissed all around him.

_Why is it different? Is it because you aren't here, Fili? Did you make all the bad things go away? _

_"I will __**never**__ let anything harm you, Kili..."_

_Why aren't you here, Fili? Why did you leave me?_

Kili shuddered and hugged his arms around himself, whirling at every step as though something might jump out of the trees at any minute.

_I don't __**like**__ this..._

For an instant thunder rippled through the earth under his bleeding, ravaged feet. Kili tensed and froze where he stood, listening intently as the forest stilled around him. Again the ground quivered and Kili shivered with it, his stomach leaping into his throat as he realized that something large - _terrifyingly _ large - was coming his way.

Suddenly the tearing sensation in his back no longer seemed to matter. The squelch of blood in his boots was of no consequence, and as for the sensation that his feet were being branded all over again ... he was used to the heated flashes of agony that dazzled his mind and flashed brilliant splotches of light before his eyes. All that mattered to Kili right now was that _It_ was drawing closer and he **had** to get away.

The ground roiled and convulsed under his feet now, thundering with each stride of powerful legs. Blind urgency filled him and Kili forced himself to move faster, sobbing a sharp breath as pain stabbed into his side. Black spots swam in his vision and a sudden bout of weakness left him reeling and dizzy, his legs threatening to give way beneath him.

His knees suddenly buckled and Kili fell with a cry, curling tightly into himself and gasping for air. The forest reeled in a spiral of grey and white and the roaring wind seemed to envelope him in a hurricane of malevolent whispers in an unknown tongue. Pressing his hands over his ears, Kili screamed for it to end. The thunder slammed into the clearing and he squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the enemy to dispose of him once and for all.

An odd snuffling noise brought him from the haze of panic. Detached puzzlement caused him to raise his head, and Kili gasped as the large nose of an enormous bear came within inches of his face. He could not stop the cry that rose to his lips as he scrambled away, smacking into a tree and whimpering when his escape was blocked by the wide trunk.

"Take it off."

The heated order sent a chill rippling down Kili's spine. He knew instinctively what was asked of him, and he dared not disobey. Hastily he attempted to wrench the ring off his finger, but a thrill of panic trickled through him as it seemed to clench all the tighter.

"I - I c-can't!" he began to defend, his fingernails tearing into skin when the innocent band of gold refused to budge.

_"Take it off!"_

"I - it won't come off!" Kili shouted, a frantic pitch lacing his tone as he scrabbled to remove the glittering trinket.

An earth shattering roar filled the clearing and Kili huddled on the ground, clapping his hands over his ears as the power of the Voice shouted against the Great Bear's beckoning. For an instant two wills appeared to clash in a mighty showdown of supremacy, before the ring gradually released its numbing grip on Kili's finger. With a gasp Kili wrenched it away, the metal scraping against his finger as though it had dug in with invisible claws in one last attempt to remain with its bearer.

Shuddering and nearly sobbing with relief as shadows and wraiths melted into sunlight and blue skies, Kili flung the ring into the distance and tucked his hands securely under his arms. How the ring never left his grasp, but was slid discretely back into his pocket, he would never know. Such possessive and terrible power was beyond his capability to understand.

Once the detested _thing_ was gone the Bear gave a soft 'huff' and settled back on its haunches, regarding Kili with a mild, contemplative look in its eyes. Something in the animal's mannerism was familiar, and against all reasoning Kili's apprehension began to ebb and fade. He knew he should be afraid right now - nay, he should be _terrified _for the knowledge that his life was about to end. Yet as the Bear continued to watch him calmly, tilting its head slightly as though intrigued by the curious little wood creature it had found, Kili could not force himself to remember that there was danger mere feet before him.

He slowly raised himself to his hands and knees and returned the Bear's stare, caught up in the fathomless dark wells brimming with the wisdom and memories of centuries. A rumble like the snort of amusement caused him to shrink back, and Kili glared at the Bear for laughing at him. A memory niggled at the back of his brain, but he could not place the name for this creature until it spoke.

"Kili. Why are you so far from your kin?"

Abashed at the quiet rebuke in the Bear's tone, Kili hunkered down and whispered, "B-Beorn?"

A low grunt of acknowledgment was given, but Beorn did not allow him to avoid the question. "Why have you run so far?"

Kili lowered his head, sniffing dismally as he admitted in a cracked voice, "I - I want ... I want F-Fili back. H-He needs me there..."

It was partially a lie, as Kili knew he needed his brother so much more than Fili would ever need him.

"Why this desire to flee? Are your kin not enough?"

Kili hesitated, looking down in rejection as he whispered, "They d-don't want me," he choked out. "Th-they ... F-Fili is the only one who wants me now."

"You are so certain of this?" Beorn inquired, neither denouncing nor accepting Kili's claim.

"I ..." Endless questions warred within him as uncertainty overlapped every memory of the good that he had seen while the Company had remained. They had treated him like he was one of them, yet they had forsaken him in the end. _Why?_

"... I don't know," Kili admitted softly.

Long moments passed and the silence dragged. The sun glinted warmly beneath the veil of foliage and a cool breeze picked up, its gentle whisper accompanying the buzzing of cicadas and the call of a woodland bird. For a time Kili was unwilling to speak, sorting through his doubts in the calming lilt of the forest stillness. Beorn did not coax him to share his thoughts, allowing the young Dwarf to make up his own mind.

At length Kili straightened and thunked his head back against the trunk, looking up at Beorn with tired, worn eyes. "W-what are you going to do with me?" he asked quietly.

"Do they know you have run away?" Beorn questioned, looking over his shoulder in the direction of the cabin.

Kili's eyes widened and he shakily stood, hissing at the renewed stabbing sensations in his mangled feet. "P-please don't make me g-go back," he gasped, furtively glancing in the opposite direction and wondering if perhaps Beorn would let him go if he ran now. Likely it was a hopeless cause, but he had to get back to Fili _somehow._

A frown creased the great Bear's forehead as he deciphered, "You do not wish to return to your kin? They are searching for you, Kili."

"Th-they want me..." He could not say that they wanted him dead. To admit the fact aloud was too terrible a thought. "_Please_," Kili tried again, yearning filling his voice as he looked into the distance where he desperately wanted Fili to reappear and take him back to where his only knowledge of _home _was. "L-let me go f-find him?"

The soft rumble of laughter caught Kili off guard. "The little colt is not completely broken yet," Beorn noted with admiration.

Before Kili could ask what he meant, the Skinchanger suddenly launched forward and seized the collar of his tunic in his massive jaws. No more than a startled yelp escaped Kili before he was hoisted into the air like a newborn kitten, hands and feet dangling before he was tossed neatly into the air and came to rest in a tangled heap on Beorn's back. Apprehension was drowned out by instinct and he buried his hands in the thick, shaggy fur as the trees began to whiz past him. Dizzied by the rush of green and brown, Kili ducked his head and squeezed his eyes tightly shut.

_Wh-what is happening? What did I say that was wrong? Is he angry with me? Am- am I going to die now, or is he taking me back **there**? The gods help me, I don't want to go back! Fili, where are you now?_

The loping canter threatened to dislodge him and Kili clung to the roiling mass with his knees, nearly pulling Beorn's fur out by the roots as he began to slip to one side. A growl of irritation followed and Beorn paused momentarily to scoot Kili back up with one forearm, giving the Dwarf a look that could only be interpreted as '_Hold on this time' _before he launched forward once more.

Clenching his teeth as his jaw smacked against the ridge of Beorn's spine, Kili tucked his nose into the sweet smelling fur and started as the memory rose unbidden of the comforting folds of Thorin's cloak. _Why did he seem to care so much, if he only wanted me gone? ... Maybe he hated that cloak, and so it didn't matter as much if I ruined it. __Fili never minded if I touched something that belonged to him. Fili will want me back. He'll let me stay._

The whinnying of ponies and the clamor of movement caught Kili's attention and he gingerly raised his head, squinting at the flurry of muddled foliage to ascertain the source of the noise. Beorn halted so abruptly that Kili somersaulted over the Bear's head, nearly landing on his skull before one massive paw lashed out and caught him. He was settled gently on the ground where he dazedly shook the light-headedness away, his face drawn with pain as the flare in his back made itself known.

The commotion ceased, and Kili looked up - only draw away in pensive, keen awareness that he had landed uninvited in the midst of the Company. From their horses the Dwarrow stared at him, regarding their unexpected addition with a mixture of expressions which Kili could not begin to translate. Gandalf's jaw slackened and he glanced sharply towards Beorn for an explanation, yet in a whisper of leaves and branches the Bear was gone.

Suddenly aware of the stark act of disobedience he had committed, Kili bit down on his lower lip and cringed under Thorin's gaze. He realized in that moment how stupid he had been, thinking he could simply walk into their midst and be accepted once more. Beorn had vanished, and with him the hope that any single being would stand by Kili as he bore the leader's wrath in atonement for his crimes.

He realized in that moment that he could well have made the worst mistake of his life.

* * *

**Kili, when will you get the point that you can STOP PANICKING ALREADY! (Oops, probably don't want to scare the little dear by shouting at him...) ;) **

**Fili and Thorin reactions next! Sheesh, the Muses worked overtime today. They offer their humble thanks (and their empty plates and coffee mugs) for the reviewer's donations last chapter.**


	18. Never Let Me Go

**_Previously..._**

_The commotion ceased, and Kili looked up - only draw away in pensive, keen awareness that he had landed uninvited in the midst of the Company. From their horses the Dwarrow stared at him, regarding their unexpected addition with a mixture of expressions which Kili could not begin to translate. Gandalf's jaw slackened and he glanced sharply towards Beorn for an explanation, yet in a whisper of leaves and branches the Bear was gone._

_Suddenly aware of the stark act of disobedience he had committed, Kili bit down on his lower lip and cringed under Thorin's gaze. He realized in that moment how stupid he had been, thinking he could simply walk into their midst and be accepted once more. Beorn had vanished, and with him the hope that any single being would stand by Kili as he bore the leader's wrath in atonement for his crimes._

_He realized in that moment that he could well have made the worst mistake of his life._

* * *

"What in the name of Mahal..." Thorin breathed, bewilderment and shock filtering into dismayed anger in an instant. He swung off his pony and tossed the reins to Balin before striding swiftly towards Kili. "I thought I told you to stay with your Mother."

Kili sucked in a breath at the rebuke and hunched down, wrapping his arms around his knees as though anticipating a blow. His eyes flitted anxiously as he watched Thorin approach, his breath coming in hitching, apprehensive pants. Had Thorin been less worried for the sudden appearance of his nephew without D_i_s' and Dwalin's escort, he might have considered the miracle that the boy had not already begun to panic at the first sign of a stern visage. The only thought in his mind, however, was that for the first time Kili had deliberately disobeyed him, and in doing so had placed his life in even greater danger.

"Did it not occur to you that there were reasons you were expected to remain with Beorn as you were told?"

Fear placed a sharp edge on Thorin's words as his gaze swept over the cowering Dwarf, searching for the crude angle of a broken bone or the seeping claw marks that would testify further injuries from the massive creature that had charged into the glen. By Mahal, the boy looked as though he had survived an ambush. Leaves and twigs matted his hair in knots, and a trickle of blood left a wide streak in the dirt on his face where a branch had scratched his forehead. His tunic was torn and filthy, the bright blue color stained with mud, grass stains, and the rustic taint of fresh blood.

How had Kili even come to them, when Thorin had ensured before their departure that he was safely hidden away in Beorn's home? What evils had befallen his sister's son that he should have been separated from his protectors?

More dreadful was the thought of what might have happened to his little sister, that her youngest should have been so easily torn from her grasp.

A cold hand clutched his heart as Thorin dropped to his knees before Kili, grasping the boy's arm to inspect the crimson splotches staining the bandages protecting his scabbed wrists. With a hiss Kili snatched his hand back, however, scrambling away and regarding Thorin with wary distrust. He glanced between the Dwarrow surrounding him, looking ready to take flight any moment.

"By all that is good in this world, let the boy alone," Gandalf rebuked, mistaking the fervor in Thorin's scolding for sheer anger. He was equally perplexed by Beorn's decision to "drop off" a certain misplaced Dwarf child, but there was no reason to lay the blame on Kili alone. With a sigh he wheeled his horse around, fully intending to whack Thorin over the head with his staff if cooperation could be gained no other way.

A blur of yellow braids and the flick of a pony's tail caused Gandalf's horse to rear back with a shriek of protest. Ropes of gold swung in a glinting arc, catching the rays of the sun before Fili leapt from his horse and skidded down beside his brother. Thorin was pushed aside in the blond's fervor, his presence no longer recognized nor desired as two bonded souls were reunited. Immeasurable relief shone like a beacon of hope in Kili's eyes as he launched himself forward, latching his arms around Fili's neck and hiding his face in the shelter of his brother's embrace.

"_Fee, Fee, Fee!" _Kili whispered in relief, closing his eyes in trust that the dangers outside his line of sight would be held at bay now that Fili had found him.

Fili clasped his brother tightly, trembling as the anxiety of their separation and unexpected reunion crashed upon him at once. Kili trembled in his arms and he instinctively reached out towards his brother's insecurity, resting his chin on Kili's head and whispering _"I'm here," _as though those words were the tether holding his brother back from the clawing fingers of his horrific past.

A shadow passed over Thorin's visage as he sat back and watched the tender moment. The two brothers clung to one another as though eternity itself would not be enough time to make up for the hours they had been separated. No further evidence was necessary to prove that neither distance nor injury could hold them away from each other. Only a fool had attempted to tear them apart.

He should have listened to his instinct while he'd had the chance. By whatever miracle Kili _had_ been returned to them, as though he had been meant to accompany them all along. Thorin, however, no longer was welcome to take part in his nephew's cheer. He had cast away that privilege in exchange for Kili's safety, and in the end he had failed to ensure even the latter.

It was little wonder to Thorin that Kili had shied away when he had drawn near.

"Well now... this is a little unexpected," Balin stated as he observed the scene with a glint of delight in his aged, weary gaze. "I do believe the stubbornness Gandalf rues does not run solely in your line of the family, Thorin."

Gandalf muttered something under his breath and kneed his horse forward, calling over his shoulder, "Wait for me here or continue on if you so choose. There is _someone_ I need to discuss an important matter with."

"How did Kili even get here?" Bilbo questioned, having slipped off Myrtle to soundlessly approach the small huddle. "I mean - that Bear - it was _huge!_ How is it that he wasn't kill- "

"I do not know," Thorin interjected, his expression clouding as once more his sister's well being was brought foremost to his mind. Rising swiftly to his feet, he beckoned Oin forward.

"See to his injuries. No doubt he tore something along the way. Gloin, Bofur; get a fire going. We will make no further progress today."

"Wait, where are you going?" Bilbo asked pointedly as Thorin swung onto Minty and swept her head in the direction they had come from.

"To find my sister."

Though his voice was terse and carefully guarded, Balin caught the tinge of desperation in Thorin's words before he kicked his pony into a swift gallop. _Mahal go with you, my Prince,_ he prayed silently as he watched the ridged, tense shoulders vanish into the eves of the forest. _For your sake more than for our own, may no harm have come to her._

"You idiot!" Fili whispered with a broken smile, blinded to the reason behind Thorin's haste in his joy to see his brother once more. Only half serious in his scolding, he placed his hands on both sides of Kili's head and shook him gently. "What did you think you were doing?"

"M'sorry," Kili said in a muffled tone, tears sparking his eyes as he avoided his brother's gaze. He latched his fingers in Fili's vest as though to prevent him from running away, leaning his head against him and blinking away a wayward teardrop that threatened to fall. "I - I had to find you... T-they..."

He could not finish the dire confession. Not since the Goblins had Kili thought he could feel more miserable. His back ached and his feet felt like like they were being ripped apart, and his head was spinning and he just wanted to take back that morning and stay in the cabin where he belonged, but _he couldn't because they were mad at him,_ but now he was in even bigger trouble because he had disobeyed and by the gods would he ever be able to do _anything_ right?

"They _what_, Kee?" Fili pressed when Kili fell silent.

Shivering from the combination of his rampart flight, his reopened wounds and the prior terror of the morning, Kili shook his head numbly and refused to answer. With a sigh Fili placed a hand under his brother's chin and forced him to raise his head, pressing his brow against Kili's as he promised,

"It's all right, Kee, you can tell me. You have _nothing_ to be afraid."

The blood drained from Kili's face and his eyes darted frantically across the glen. "N-no," he denied with a shudder. "Y-you're wrong."

Alarm jolted through Fili and a deathly calm assailed him as he questioned, "What are you talking about, Kili? _Who _is trying to hurt you?"

_What was that thing that brought you here? What did it do to you? Where are Mum and Mister Dwalin? What __**happened**__ while I was not there?_

"Th-they ..." Kili wet his lips nervously, once more avoiding Fili's eyes as he stammered uncertainly, "Th-they don't w-want me anymore."

"Who?" Fili asked in astonishment. "Mum? Kili, what kind of half-brained idea has gotten into your head? Of course they want you!"

"No," Kili responded, breaking free of Fili's grasp and huddling against his brother. "U-useless ... C-can't use a - a damaged slave ... Th-they w-wanted me ... g-gone!"

His voice broke and he hid his face in Fili's coat, muted sobs wracking his shoulders as he clung to the only person he knew he could rely. Bewildered by Kili's reasoning, Fili looked to Bilbo for advice. Clearing his throat to ensure the young Dwarf was aware of his presence, Bilbo inquired,

"Did you actually run away from them, Kili?"

"Th-they don't want me!" Kili repeated, grabbing Fili's arm and hugging it to him in a crushing grip. "I - I c-can't _do_ anything!"

A gleam of understand dawned and Fili questioned, "Is that what you think - that you have to accomplish something to be welcomed among us?"

The brutal honesty in Kili's eyes floored him as his brother answered, "N-no one wants a - a useless slave."

_"...Oh, Kili..._"

No answer could he give, and with a sinking realization Fili knew that no reassurance would be enough. Deeply ingrained in Kili's mindset was the duty of a worthless, unwanted creature whose life was preserved only for the load it could carry on its scarred, twisted back. It was little wonder he was so distressed. No assurance of their unconditional love and loyalty was enough to prove that he did not have to toil endlessly in order to keep his place in their good favor. The harsh discipline of a slave is not easily forgotten. No matter how any of them tried, they would not be able to miraculously free Kili of his past.

"If I give you something to do, will you stop worrying yourself to death?" Fili pleaded gently.

Anticipation lit up Kili's eyes and he straightened, nodding fervently as he acceded, "Y-yes! Yes! I-I'll do an-anything! I - I'm not hurt anymore! I'll - I'll keep up and - and I'll do whatever you w-want!"

So excited was his brother at the prospect of earning his keep that Fili nearly broke down. The harsh reality settled in as Fili realized how low Kili had fallen. To think that he felt he had to earn his family's acceptance ... it was a concept Fili could not grasp. The love of a family should be given freely; not dangled as a treat that could be taken away at the first sign of ill behavior.

"All right then," he determined slowly, fighting to keep his voice under control as bitter outrage swelled up to choke him. "First of all... you need to cooperate when Oin takes care of your wounds."

"_Feee!_" Kili whined, hopelessness crashing into his gaze. "I've already d-done that!"

"All right, all right," Fili agreed, holding up his hands as a sign of truce. "We can try something else. You can ..."

Yet what was a Dwarf who was virtually crippled until his legs were healed expected to do? _Confound it all, Kili, why do you want me to say? Go make crocheted doilies with Bilbo so he can replace the ones Bofur used to clean up the mess in his house?_

"He can take an hour to watch the ponies with you," Gloin spoke up, having listened in on the hushed conversation as he pretended to mind the fire. "One hour will not do him ill, and you can take the first watch to ensure his sleep is not broken."

"I - I can do that!" Kili jabbered, shaking Fili's arm in his exuberance at finally being _useful_. "I'm not s-scared of them!"

"All right then," Fili amended trying to sort between the skittish fawn and the eccentric yearling his brother had morphed into within seconds. "But you must _promise _not to stay up past your watch." _I cannot risk you falling ill ... I could not lose you again._

Kili nodded with a beaming grin, looking up expectantly as he waited for his next orders. Fili pressed a hand against his head, thinking hard as he tried to find something to match his brother's high expectations.

"You can ... help Bombur with the stew?" he offered.

"Wha - "

"No!"

"Bombur doesn't need any help murderen' it."

"No, not that!"

"We're half dead already!"

The instant roar of protests caught Fili off guard and he cast Bombur a sheepish grin of apology. For an instant Kili cowered against him, clapping his hands over his ears against the noise. Then a ghost of a smile touched his features, and though he bit his lower lip anxiously his eyes began to dance as he watched the Dwarrow bicker amongst one another. _Home, _the peace in his expression testified. He was back where he wanted to be, and by the gods he had _missed it_.

"Knock it off, the lot o' you," Bofur spoke up genially, having taken up the reel of protest himself in good-natured fun. "We've all made it clear tha' Bombur has the sole task of slayin' us afore we reach Mirkwood."

A round of coarse laughter signified the mutual assent.

"Until then, I suggest you find somethen' with which our newest addition can occupy his time," Bofur suggested.

Murmurs of agreement drifted across the clearing. Ideas were exchanged and possibilities discussed as the Dwarrow separated to their own tasks of tending the ponies or setting up camp. Kili sighed impatiently and glanced up at Fili.

"W-what do I do _now_?" he questioned. _Right this minute? How do I be useful before nightfall? I don't want to go! How can I make sure they let me stay?_

Fili sucked in a breath and released it in a gust, wracking his mind for a simple task his brother could see to without exerting himself.

"Right now your task will be letting us see to these wounds of yours," Oin interceded, releasing Fili of his burden as he laid out the ointments and bandages Beorn had sent along with them.

Kili winced guiltily and stretched his legs out, cringing as Oin pulled carefully on one of his patchwork boots. When the boot clung to Kili's foot the healer gave a sharper tug, eliciting a heaving gasp from the wounded Dwarf. Instinctively Kili crouched over his leg and clasped his shin, squeezing his eyes shut against the flashes of agony which stabbed viciously from his heel to his knee.

Oin ceased his endeavors at once, cautiously running his finger along the stretched leather and grunting when Kili hissed at the light touch. His gaze flickered to Dori and he nodded cryptically, indicating the heat rising from the leather where Kili's feet had swollen to stretch the intricately molded soles.

"These will have to be cut away," he warned Kili in an apologetic tone.

"W-wait," Kili interjected, bending forward to cup his hands protectively around his boots. "Y-you're going to c-cut them? B-but I don't n-eed them off! I - I'll walk all right with them on, r-right, Fili?"

With a reluctant sigh Fili amended, "I think you had better let Oin do what he needs to, Kili." To the healer he directed, "You won't have to...?" Behind Kili's line of sight he slashed one finger over his ankle and winced in question.

"Not if I can help it," Oin vowed.

"W-won't _what?_" Kili pressed, whipping his head around to interrogate his brother. "H-he won't have to _what?_"

"Nothing, Kili, just relax," Fili said hastily, wrapping his arms around Kili's shoulders to hold him in place. "He does not have any choice but to cut the boots away, but he will do his best not to hurt you while he is doing it."

Wildness of another kind than self preservation lit Kili's eyes. "N-no!" he spat, drawing his legs back swiftly and tucking them under himself. "They're mine! He can't - he can't touch them!"

"For pity's sake, Kili," Fili groaned, throwing his hands in the air in frustration. "Just stop complaining and let him work! Do you want him to have to amputate your feet if he cannot reach the infection?"

He had sworn he would never threaten his brother again after that horrible day when he found Kili sobbing in the tunnels. Once more Fili caught himself breaking his promise, and he hated himself all the more for his harsh words.

The truth had a profound effect on Kili, however, and he became so still that Fili almost wondered if he had gone into shock. His brother's face was pasty white and his lips moved in a silent litany as he dazedly watched Oin reach for his feet once more. This time no protest was offered, but Kili's grip on his brother's hand tightened until Fili's fingers turned white and he grimaced from the pressure.

Dori worked swiftly, sawing his knife through the boiled patchwork of sheathes and bracers that his brother had meticulously melded together. Two lone tears trickled down Kili's face as he watched his beloved boots being sliced apart. He leaned his head against Fili's chest and closed his eyes halfway through, unable to watch the destruction of the only pair of shoes he remembered owning.

With a sickening squelch the leather finally slipped free, a puddle of blood streaming from the right boot as Oin tossed it away. "Aye, you managed to do yourself in this time," he murmured, his mouth pressing in a thin line as he stripped the soggy bandages away.

A thin drop of blood broke free as Kili bit through his lower lip, his foot convulsing in Oin's grip as he examined the re-opened wound. Dori was called upon to hold Kili's legs down, while Fili grabbed his knife sheath from his boot and guided the worn leather between Kili's teeth to prevent him from chewing through his tongue.

"It will be over soon," he whispered, his heart clenching at the pained whimpers evoked from his brother. He rested his chin on Kili's head, holding back his own wrenching emotions as his brother spasmed against the strong arms binding him. The strain became to much and Fili pleaded, "How bad is it, Oin?"

"Worse than it could be..." Oin allowed, irritating Fili with his indirect answer, "...But better than I expected."

Blood was smeared across his hands as he tossed aside the soaked rag he had used to clot the sluggish flow. A bottle of unidentifiable liquid, likely given to him by Beorn, was poured liberally over the slice before Oin wiped the excess fluid away. Kili writhed and cried out between his clenched teeth at the searing burn of the remedy, his screams muffled by the leather sheath clamped between his jaws. With haste Oin accepted a threaded needle from Gloin, nodding to Dori and Fili to prepare themselves before swiftly pulling it through the gaping sides of the wound.

Fili lost count of the times he saw the bright needle flash in the sunlight. Other than the occasional twinge and stifled murmur of anguish, Kili soon lay eerily still. More than once Fili thought he would be sick for the gruesome task played out before him, and he marveled at Kili's control. It was not his brother's courage that Fili dwelt on, but the depths of pain he must have endured for the stabbing of the needle to be considered light enough to bear. Once more he swore vengeance upon the vile creatures that had done this to his brother. The wrath built up in him so strongly that his hands shook, and it was not until Kili cried out as the second boot was removed that Fili remembered he was intended to be the comforter, and not the one who needed to be calmed down.

Only a short space of time was needed for the second foot, and it was with a great sigh of relief that Oin finished wrapping the bandages up to Kili's ankles. Gently he laid Kili's feet down and accepted a blanket from Bifur, laying it over the trembling Dwarf with a worn smile.

"The worse is over, Kili," he assured. "You can have a few minutes to rest before I look at your back. In the meantime, _try_ not to ruin my handiwork again."

The light jest was lost to Kili, who only nodded miserably and hid his face under Fili's arm. "I'm s-sorry I r-ran away," he whispered, running his tongue over the swell on his lip and blinking away the moisture that gathered in his eyes.

"I'm not angry with you," Fili reminded, pulling Kili's hair away from his face and picking out a handful of leaves from the hopeless knots. _Your hair always did have a mind of its own..._ he recalled, thinking back to the days when he had to hold a squirming Kili down while D_i_s tried to run a not-yet-broken comb through his unfettered hair.

The brand on Kili's face glowed red in the firelight, and once more Fili was forcibly reminded that nothing would be the ever same as it had been in their childhood. As much as he yearned to disprove the matter, he could not eradicate the past.

Let it be so. If he could not erase the childlike scribbling of Orcs and monsters and foul beings he could not name, then he would write over the memories until Kili no longer had reason to fear. Even if the matter was hopeless and Kili could never be healed, he was still his brother, and Fili would be here for him no matter what transpired in their future.

Even if it meant defying Thorin himself, he vowed that he would never be separated from his brother again.


	19. Tell Me Why

"Kili, would you shut up and get some rest already?"

"Y-you just tell me to eat and s-sleep all the time! That's - that's not doing anything!"

"Gloin, could you please persuade him that recovering is essential to ... to _whatever _obligation he thinks he owes us?"

"_Fiiiliii!"_

"I don't suppose anyone's got any more o' tha' stew on hand? Nothin' better ta quiet him for a few minutes."

Blissful silence was obtained once Bombur produced a sticky wad of honeycomb from one of Beorn's earthenware pots. Kili's eyes lit up with delight and he grabbed for the treat, his frustration vanishing immediately in light of the delectable taste that melted on his tongue. Fili was quickly learning that his brother had an incorrigible sweet tooth. Not a single drop was wasted as Kili cupped his hands around the honeycomb, lapping up the stray trickles and carefully chewing the wax before spitting it out as he was told.

As Bofur had predicted, the offer of food was enough to silence Kili's pestering for a time. Fili lay back with a sigh, soaking in the luxurious stillness while it lasted. He did not argue that Kili deserved his treat after the mess Oin had had to clean up after the three deepest lashes in the younger Dwarf's back had been split wide open. Still, the matter of "being useful" as Kili termed it was quickly becoming a hassle. Fili could not understand what had cued his brother's frantic attempts to help with _everything_ around the camp - from laying an unnecessary twig on the fire to trying to brush the pony's tails. (Gloin had shouted at him for that one after Kili had nearly been kicked in the face, and he had not strayed from his "safe corner" since.)

It was natural, Fili supposed, for a newly freed slave to feel obligated to do over and above his share of the work, but this was _excessive!_ If Kili was so worried about following orders, he should be resting as much as possible instead of trying to scoot on his hands and rear so that he could still move about without actually using his feet. Oin had been rather terse with Kili after the third time he tried this stunt, and Fili wondered how long it would be before someone lost their temper for sheer annoyance at Kili's petulant attempts to "help" the Company.

_What in Middle Earth happened to you?_ Fili wondered. He stared into the deepening blue sky, hopelessly lost in the mural of his brother's complex personality. Before they had left the cabin Kili had been too frightened to speak to anyone save the inner ring of those he trusted. Now he had even had the audacity to ask Bifur tremulously if "Just maybe he could help hand out the tools Bofur was using?" There was a clear note of desperation in his attempts, as though his life depended on the number of tasks he completed before nightfall.

Never during their stay had Fili seen this insatiable desire to be of assistance with the most simple actions. Before Kili had huddled on the one side of the cabin, scarcely daring to move without direct permission from those in charge. Sleeping and eating were priorities on Oin's list of instructions, and Kili had followed these without a word of complaint. Now it was clear that the duty of taking care of himself was no longer enough. Even being allowed to hand over the brush Gloin dropped while tending the ponies had brought a beaming smile of fulfillment to Kili's features. Something drastic had altered in the few hours since their separation, and until Fili understood the reason behind Kili's behavior, he had no idea how he could resolve the problem.

The only solution Fili could think of for now was to keep his brother occupied and hope that Kili learned on his own that his "usefulness" did not define who he was to the Company. _"Loyalty, honor, and a willing heart... I could ask for no more than that."_ If only he could echo his Uncle's words in the same fervent, decisive manner. Fili wondered if Kili would even believe him if he could pass along the simplicity of what Thorin expected of those who followed him. Kili had offered all of these qualities to the best of his ability, and Fili longed to convince him that no more was expected of him.

For all his determination to obey every command to the letter, however, Kili could not bend his own will to believe Fili's repeated assurances that no more was required of him than what he had already given. There was a mental barrier that still stood between him and the ultimate freedom he desired, and Fili had no idea how to breach that iron wall. It seemed that Kili alone could remove the bolts housing his insecurities; all Fili could do was hammer on the doors until they were weakened enough for his brother to allow him inside.

The smacking sound of Kili's snack halted for a moment, and Fili warily peeked one eye open to see his brother listening intently with his head tilted to one side.

"F-Fili?" he asked in a loud whisper, glancing over to see if Fili was still awake.

There was no use pretending, and with a huff Fili swung up, rubbing a hand over his face and giving his brother his full attention. "What is it, Kili?"

"S-something's coming..." Kili answered, his head still tilted at a ridiculous angle as he tried to pick out the various noises. "H-horses, I think."

It appeared that - rather than deafen him completely - the years in the mines had served to sharpen Kili's discernment of sound. It only made sense, Fili supposed, given his impression that Kili had spent more time relying on his hearing rather than his sight in the darkest tunnels. He was still surprised at the intent look on his brother's face, however, as he had yet to hear anything save the ruckus of the camp and the wind rustling through leaves.

Kili's eyes were riveted on the path, however, and Fili unconsciously followed suit as he tracked his brother's gaze. A hush fell over the one side of the camp as Bofur, Nori and Ori caught on, although Bombur's flabbergasted protests against Bilbo's insisting of the quality of few added mushrooms in the stew blocked out the swift clopping of unshod hooves as the newcomers approached. Not until the procession was almost in view did Fili catch the rapid thuds that his brother had foretold.

"Someone is coming," he warned, scrambling to his feet and peering into the gloom.

Bilbo and Bombur ceased their quibbling and Gloin's hand strayed to his axe as one by one the Company stood and readied themselves for whatever was coming their way. Quietly Bifur moved to stand in front of Kili while Bofur casually stepped forward as a physical barrier between Fili and the open path. Nori and Dori took their rank beside their brother, and within moments an impenetrable shield wall had been formed around the youngest Dwarrow and Bilbo. Even though no threat had been sighted, the formation was a routine Fili had come to expect, It chaffed on him sometimes, that each member of the Company still felt he needed to be protected like a child, but there was no denying the fierce loyalty which determined their every move.

Kili quietly shrank down into his _"I'm not here you can't see me" _pose, wrapping his arms around his torso and bringing his knees up to his chest. As the first rider cleared the distance shadows, however, Fili recognized that such precautions were unnecessary.

"It's all right," he called back with a sheepish laugh of relief. "It's only Thorin."

It was the second rider that caught his attention, however, and with a shout of delight Fili broke free of the circle and ran to greet the newcomer. "Mum!"

Leaves crunched under the pounding of his boots as he dashed into the eves of the forest, flinging himself past Thorin's pony and skidding to a halt to assist D_i_s with stepping off her own. Her crushing embrace squeezed the breath out of him, but it lasted only a moment before D_i_s tore herself away and raced forward to crumple beside her youngest.

Before Kili could open his mouth to speak D_i_s gathered him in her arms, squeezing him until a muffled yelp of pain was evoked from the injured Dwarf. Instantly D_i_s was drawn back to the present and she held Kili at arm's length, grasping his shoulders and shaking him in exasperation as she lectured,

"What in Mahal's name were you thinking, Kili? You could have been _killed_! If Beorn had not been delayed in following the ponies we would never have found you! If you _ever_ try a stunt like that again I swear I will... I'll..."

Unable to formulate a proper threat, D_i_s pulled a dumbstruck Kili back into her embrace and clutched him tightly, stroking his hair and assuring him fervently that _of course she was not angry with him but he must never, ever leave her in such a frightful manner again._

Kili remained mute and unresponsive, his eyes glazed with shock at the sudden disruption in his fragile life. Never before had D_i_s shouted at him, and her sudden reversion from relief to anger to comfort was too much for him to grasp. Like Baldor's thunderous cusses he blocked out D_i_s' sharp words, concentrating on the earnest fervor of her final embrace to determine whether she was indeed furious or if it was another odd phase like the inexplicable strangling the night before Fili was taken away.

With a weary sigh Thorin swung off his pony, looping the reins around a branch temporarily and standing back to observe the scene. "I see he has not yet taken off," he commented to Balin, the frustrated note in his voice all too clear. Without another word he grabbed Minty's reins and stalked towards the opposite side of the fire where the rest of the ponies were picketed.

"Wait... what happened?" Bilbo piped up as he glanced rapidly between Thorin, D_i_s and Kili, and a stern looking Dwalin who was tossing down the hastily filled packs from his pony's saddle.

"He ran off," Dwalin answered in a low growl. "Not a word of explanation." Relief was masked with puzzled aggravation, and the strain radiating the three Dwarrow was sign enough that more had taken place than Fili had anticipated.

"He _ran away_?" Bilbo repeated in surprise. "Why would he - "

"That is for him to say," Thorin interjected, striding to stand before Kili and waiting for an explanation.

Kili hunkered down until only his eyes showed over D_i_s' shoulder, as though he could hide behind her and all his troubles would go away. D_i_s' eternal patience had reached a swift and sudden end, however, and she shifted to the side so that her son was forced to meet the throng of onlookers who awaited his side of the story.

"Well?" Thorin prodded, his blue eyes stern and his stance tense as he waited.

D_i_s squeezed Kili's shoulder reassuringly, but her expression showed that no mercy would be dealt. He must speak; she would not shoo the others away or insist that Thorin pester her youngest at a less troubling time. Kili instantly searched for Fili to aid his escape, but a stone dropped into his chest as he realized his brother, too, would not assist him in his plight.

"Kili, why _did_ you run?" Fili questioned, unintentionally putting himself between Kili and Thorin as he lowered himself to one knee in front of his brother. "I thought ... I thought something terrible might have happened to you. You were safe back in the cabin; what possessed you to leave?"

Kili's eyes settled on Dwalin's axe and he anxiously rubbed a circle around his finger, suddenly longing for the ring of gold to hide him away. Fili sighed and snapped his fingers in front of Kili's face.

"Kili, look at me," he implored as his brother started. "_Tell me_. Why did you run away?"

"Th-they ... he ... Thorin ... _They took you!_" Kili pleaded for his brother to understand the unspoken threat.

"I told you, I went with them willingly," Fili tried to explain, frustrated that they were back to the same conversation. "You know that I never wanted to leave you, but I was going to come _back_. By Durin's beard, Kili, I was only gone for _three hours_!"

"N-no..." Kili insisted, grabbing Fili's wrist and clenching it as though physical force would convince his brother to believe him. "Th-they - they took you _away_." In time. So that he would not have to watch. "D-don't need a - a useless... t-too much b-burden ... they ... y-you d-don't understand!"

"Then _help _me understand," Fili pleaded in confusion, alarm rising in him as Kili's increasing stutters signaled the verge of another attack.

"They - they d-don't _keep _useless slaves!" Kili finally wailed, slamming his fists against Fili's shoulders. He did not scream or flail this time, merely clenching his fingers in his brother's vest and bending his head in wracking sobs as the admission of truth left him empty and defenseless.

"What in Middle Earth are you talking about?" Fili implored, grasping Kili's shoulders and squeezing gently to goad his brother to look at him.

"I c-can't _do anything_!" Kili exclaimed wretchedly. He gagged and coughed, swallowing back tears and pushing Fili back in his desperation to make him understand. "Y-you have to - to keep up or they - they get rid of you!" he insisted vehemently. "They- they almost g-got rid of me twice! Th-the fires... they'll ... they burn you and ... and you don't come back and ... and ..."

Fili's expression of horror was no match for Kili's revulsion as he flung himself to one side and dry-heaved. The memory of the sickening, sweet odor of cooking flesh clung to his mind, yet it was nothing compared to the cold, repulsive texture of unspoken meat slithering down his burning throat as another Dwarf forced him to eat lest his weakness result in him being dragged with the other bodies to the circle of roaring flames.

Gagging as acidic fluid tainted his mouth, Kili huddled in a sobbing heap and yanked on Fili's hand as his brother knelt beside him. "D-don't let them t-take me," he begged, crushing his brother's hand in the fierceness of his terror. "I - I'll be useful a-and I won't - won't stop working ever. _P-please_, Fili! Don't l-let them take me away!"

Instantly Fili pulled his brother upright, brazen blue eyes searing into Kili's own with a fervency that shamed the power of his sibling's fear. "Listen to me now, Kili," he swore. "You are not a slave any longer. Your life is _not _hanging in the balance as punishment for what you are incapable of doing. I promised that no harm would come to you, and I say to you again that there is _no one _here who would not sooner die rather than see you hurt. We _thought_ that you had been killed years ago. It tore me apart, Kili! Why in Durin's name would we throw you away after we fought so hard to save your life?"

Longing filled Kili's gaze as he tried desperately to believe Fili's words. "You can't - you can't _keep_ a c-crippled slave," he reminded, his voice cracked and lost as he forced himself to turn away from the irrevocable love shining in his brother's eyes. "L-look!" he insisted , sweeping his hair away from his face to display the angry scar. "It... I'm not... Y-you can't..."

Anger he had never felt before burst into life. Before he could even question its source Kili slammed his fist into Fili's shoulder and shouted, "I'm not - I'm not worth it to you! C-can't you see that by now? L-look at me, Fili! I'm no more than - than what they made me into!"

The outrage vanished and he collapsed against his brother, panting heavily and burning with shame as he realized what he had done. Pressing his forehead against the shoulder he had intentionally injured moments before, Kili hid his face and mumbled brokenly, "Why c-can't you j-just leave me alone?"

_Stop showing me that you love me. Stop giving me hope when I know I don't deserve any of it. Stop making me believe that maybe there is a better life for me when I know nothing will ever change. Stop acting like you still want me when all I do is ruin your life._

His brother's arms enveloped him and drew him closer, and all the more Kili wanted to burst into tears. "S-stop it," he choked, weakly attempting to push him away. "Just g-go away, Fili."

A soft snort contradicted his half-hearted plea. "And have you run away again to find me?" Fili pointed out sensibly. "How far would that get us, Kili?"

Despite his turmoil Kili could not prevent the crooked smile that broke free.

"You're _my brother_," Fili insisted. "_That_ is why you are worth more than anything in Middle Earth to me. I don't care _what _they did. I will never leave you alone, Kili." With a tease he added, "You might as well stop shouting about it; it won't happen."

"I d-don't want you t-to leave..." Kili admitted softly.

"I know," Fili smiled, pressing his chin against his brother's head. "You cannot fool me, little brother."

"M'sorry," Kili mumbled as he glanced at his brother with a downcast expression. "... H-hit you..."

"Psh, a Goblin could have hit harder," Fili brushed it off. "Hardly felt it."

A tentative smile was offered on Kili's part before he glanced nervously behind his brother. Only now did Fili notice the baited silence in the camp. The heavy weight of Thorin's boots rattled the stillness, and as though a spell had been broken D_i_s choked softly and ran forward. She reached Kili a split second before her brother and knelt beside her son, wrapping her hands around his twisted fingers and gently caressing the scar on his face. Her stricken eyes searched those of a wounded buck as she whispered,

"Is that what you thought? You thought that we - that _I -_ could not love you because of what they did to you?"

When Kili bit his lip and lowered his gaze, D_i_s cupped both her hands around his face and whispered, "You are _my son; _my little Kili. You were taken away from me, and Aulë gave you back. This..." she stroked her hand across Kili's cheek and held him still when he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to pull away, "...This means nothing to me, Kili. You are _my boy_, and nothing will ever change that."

Soft crying behind them indicated that Ori's soft heart had lost the battle. He turned around and slumped onto a fallen log, burying his face in his sweater as Nori awkwardly patted his shoulder. Thorin cast a scathing glower in the Company's direction and with a mumble of protest the Dwarrow assumed a pretense of being occupied. Only Bilbo disregarded Thorin's crisp order as he crouched behind a tree, unable to tear himself away from the scene as pity and sadness overwhelmed him for a lost, forsaken young Dwarf who could not convince himself that he was wanted for anything save the work he could do with his hands.

As Thorin crouched on one knee before him, Kili knew the punishment would be swift and just. He had struck out against the favored one, and he had likely broken a hundred other rules _besides _running away from Beorn's house. Thorin would be furious with him, and Kili would accept his judgement as deserved.

Thorin brought up a hand and Kili instinctively flinched, waiting for hardened knuckles to slam into his eye or break his jaw. Not a fist was raised to him, however, but a weathered, ornate sheath holding a gleaming dagger.

"Take it," Thorin instructed calmly.

When Kili hesitated Thorin took his hand and pressed the dagger into his palm, closing his fingers around it before pulling away.

"If _anything _attempts to kill you, use it," he ordered. "It is yours now."

Kili's jaw dropped at the last statement and his eyes flickered from the golden hilt to Thorin's face. All manner of speech died in his throat and he clutched the dagger to himself, nodding mutely in response to the command.

_It's mine, it's mine! He gave it to me! _

Such a concept was impossible to grasp. Slaves who touched weapons were slaughtered on the spot. Once when they were near the entrance, a slave with pointed ears had tried to use a hammer against the guards. Fifteen arrows from above had ensured he never had need to lift the chisel again. Yet inexplicable the leader had _given_ Kili a weapon - had _ordered _him to use it if he was in danger!

_He didn't even yell at me for hitting Fili,_ Kili realized in awe. He could not understand why Thorin was not angry with him. Stroking his finger along the glittering dagger hilt, he decided he did not want to understand. To know why things were happening might take everything away, and he wanted to pretend the dream would last just a little bit longer.

"I dare say it'll be fair weather tonight," Balin suddenly commented, earning a sharp glare from Thorin for disrupting the somber moment.

Like a clap of thunder on a humid day, the tension was rent with a pensive round of laughter and the Dwarrow returned to their business. Thorin rose to his feet and motioned for Balin, skirting further away from the camp to discuss their current predicament out of Kili's hearing.

The fact remained that another day had been lost due to unanticipated circumstances. Time was closing around them in a choke-hold, and there was no question that further delays could be expected in the near future.

"...Ride a pony for the time being..." Bilbo overheard Thorin consider. "... Have to carry him if he does not heal before we reach Mirkwood ... "

"I think it's worth it," Balin offered. "Better to have the boy alive and with us than to blame ourselves for leaving him behind."

"That was _not_ what I was implying..."

The voices faded as Thorin and Balin wandered further away from the camp. D_i_s eyed them distrustfully, recalling the last time a serious discussion of this manner had taken place. When Fili regarded her insistently she squeezed his shoulder and rose to his feet, assuring,

"I will be back in a moment."

Though the crackling of her boots against the underbrush was painfully loud in Bilbo's mind, he considered that D_i_s might be considered light on her feet compared to the bumbling tramp of the other Dwarrow. Keeping well out of Thorin's sight, she slipped into the trees to listen in on their discussion.

Kili, meanwhile, had finally given in to Fili's urging to rest and was blinking like an owl caught in daylight as he tried to make out the strange inscriptions on Thorin's dagger. The sheen of gold caught in the rays of the sun and Bilbo instinctively grabbed for his pocket, an empty void filling him when his fingers did not grasp the ring which had saved his life. Puzzled by the feeling of loss, he shoved the thought into a dark corner of his mind and busied himself with instructing Bombur on the _proper_ way to season a wilderness stew.

The feeling still niggled at the back of his mind, however, and Bilbo did not notice the way Kili's hand crept towards his pocket where a far more desirable and destructive treasure than Thorin's knife lay hidden.

* * *

_Blue rings of smoke flitted through the hole in the ceiling as Gandalf took a slow draw on his pipe in contemplation. "Why __**did **__you send him back to us, Beorn? You knew that he would be better off here, or at least in the Blue Mountains among his own kind."_

_Beorn's watchful gaze tracked one of his bees as it darted across the meadow before zipping back into its hive with a hum of content. "If a honeybee is lost," he answered cryptically, "You do not place it in a foreign swarm and wonder why it does not survive. Return it to its own hive and eventually it will find its way back."_

_"You realize he travels a far more treacherous path than if the Company had separated as planned," Gandalf mentioned, standing and tapping the base of his pipe over the fire as he prepared to leave._

_Methodically Beorn lumbered to his feet, seeming to ignore Gandalf's statement. "There are other powers at work which neither Elves, nor Dwarves, nor Men can understand," he mused at length. "My people knew them long ago. All but their names have vanished from your memory."_

_"And what shall I take it __**that **__means?" Gandalf questioned, a note of frustration in his tone as he waited for an interpretation._

_Breathing deeply of the sharp scented pines of his home, Beorn contemplated, "Some who cannot be found are not lost. They are merely hidden away until the time is deemed right to reveal them. There is no chance in this world, Gandalf. There is only purpose ... and its fulfillment."_


	20. Bickering and General Nonsense

**Had some time to write today! The note on my profile remains the same, as I cannot say when or how often updates will be possible, but here is a small tidbit to wake up the hibernating Muses. Enjoy!**

* * *

"Make sure he sleeps while he can; we ride hard tomorrow." Thorin ignored Kili's pout as the latter snuggled against his brother and forced his eyes wide open in protest. "Beorn said we could reach the eves of Mirkwood in four days if we push ourselves."

He tossed a thick branch onto the fire, releasing a shower of sparks that lit the air like a cloud of amber fireflies. Kili stiffened momentarily, dark memories clouding his mind before the whinny of a pony startled him back to reality. He glanced towards the ring of ponies and tugged petulantly on Fili's sleeve, speaking softly lest Thorin overhear,

_"Fee, I'm n-not sleepy yet! It's j -just one hour!"_

No answer was given. Quite put out, Kili pulled harder on his brother's arm and hissed, _"Fee!"_

A soft snore resounded from his brother and Kili's jaw fell slack in astonishment. "We-we're supposed to be k-keeping watch!" he reminded, shaking his brother insistently.

With a mumbled groan Fili swung his arm back, whacking the annoying spider that had once more invaded his dreams. Kili spluttered as he was flung onto the dirt, receiving a handful of dry pine needles and a sore rear for his troubles.

"_Filiii!" _he whined, unable to move for shock. The sheer injustice of the deed flared within him and he pushed his brother back, causing Fili to awaken with a muffled yelp as he fell onto his side.

"Fee!" Kili snapped again, glaring at his brother and demanding an explanation for his rude behavior.

"What... Kili?"" Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Fili groaned and pulled himself back against the log he had been resting against. "Oh, go to sleep already."

"We're s-supposed to be watching th-the ponies!" Kili retorted vehemently. "G-Gloin s-said we have first watch!"

With an exaggerated sigh Fili flung his blanket over his head. "Kili, first rule to remember: When Thorin says you can skip your watch and go to bed, _do what he says_. There will be enough pony watching in the next few days to make you wish they no longer existed. Rule number two: If you try to wake me up, I might accidentally hit you. ... I would think you remembered that from the spider dreams I used to have," he muttered at the end.

"But I c-can't sleep!" Kili protested. He was not sure how time worked in the eternal darkness of the caverns, but he _knew_ he never went to bed this early. He had already slept two hours before, and now he was wide awake and anxious to get moving.

When Fili moaned and flung his pack over his head Kili pushed his shoulder again, howling pleadingly, "_Feeee!"_

"Thorin, tell him to _go to sleep!" _Fili begged.

"Gandalf, unless that staff of yours is only good for lightning effects, I suggest you do something," Thorin glowered at the Wizard.

"Between lightning effects and fireworks!" Gandalf rallied with a snort of disgust. "As though I am nothing more than a traveling gypsy seeking to entertain this rabble!"

Ori moaned softly and poked his head out from the huddle under his blanket, giving Gandalf a wounded look as he brushed his hair out of his face. "Can you _please _be a little quieter?" he pleaded. "I can't sleep."

Ruffled at the indignity of being blamed for the entire camp's rabble, Gandalf swept to his feet with a huff and strode towards Kili, muttering something about "ungrateful" and "impossible to please." Kili sniffed disdainfully at the hand extended above him, before a few jumbled chants from Gandalf sent him crashing to the ground in a deep slumber.

"Should've done that half an hour ago," Dwalin griped. He glowered at the twig he had been picking the bark off for half an hour now, and tossed it into the fire before rolling over with a _'humph!'_

Thorin smiled briefly and continued to stare into the fire, his humor dissipating as he contemplated the journey ahead. His scrupulously devised plans were all for naught now that Kili was back in their midst, and once more Thorin found himself flailing for the surety he had felt at the beginning of their quest. Every step closer to Erabor drove him further into doubt, and he found himself questioning matters that he would never had considered had a trembling shadow not been thrust into their midst.

How certain could he be that Beorn's advice was sound; that the Goblins would not trouble them in Mirkwood and they would reach the outer borders safely if they held true to the path? Who was Thorin to swear that any of them would be safe once Mirkwood was behind them? What if Smaug was not dead as they supposed? The thought of the worst, that Azog might still be close on their trail and could possibly hem them in before they could reach the Mountain, was a threat that Thorin knew would keep him awake many nights in the future. Not for Fili's sake alone had he offered to take an extra watch this evening. Too many grim possibilities assailed him, and the taint of bitter memories was not welcome in his nightmares. There would be no sleep for him for many hours yet.

"You have been strangely quiet," Thorin commented, addressing to Bofur as a means to distract himself.

Though the toymaker's brother and cousin were now sound asleep, Bofur had been dazing into the firelight for a lengthy period of time, his unfilled pipe twirling in his hands. He snapped out of his disquiet and clamped the pipe between his teeth, puffing it experimentally a few times before realizing he had dumped the scorched weed long ago.

"I take it something more than the quest is on your mind," Thorin commented as he tossed over his bag of pipeweed.

Bofur caught it underhanded and weighed it contemplatively before selecting a pinch and stuffing the barrel of his pipe. "I've been thinkin' a lot about the youngster," he mused as he carefully lit the smokeweed with a burning stick. "You know wha' he asked me today?"

"How to use that knife of his for whittling?" Thorin threw out a wild guess, only half joking.

Bofur was adamantly serious as he shook his head, however. "He asked me wha' the stars were," he said quietly.

The hint of amusement vanished from Thorin's face as his gaze snapped to the crackling flames. Bofur continued as though he had not noticed, his eyes distant as he spoke.

"He didn't know a thing about them; nothin' at all. Thought they were the Dwarf spirits like Mahal and Aule as Gloin told 'im about. ... He asked me if Fili looked for 'im among the stars when he was gone."

Inevitably Thorin looked towards the small huddle by the fire, where Fili lay slung out with on hand resting on the hilt of his sword beside him, the other pillowing Kili's head. Kili's brow furrowed in a dream or an inexplicable fear, and he rolled to his other side so that he was closer to his brother.

"I told 'im he was right," Bofur said with an off-handed shrug. "He said he was glad he was back, so that Fili would'na have to worry any longer." For several long moments he sucked on his pipe, the silence undisturbed but for the sizzling of embers.

"They were very close when they were younger," Thorin supplied quietly.

"Even Bombur and I never had tha' close a kinship," Bofur shook his head. "I knew the lads would be sorely affected by the separation ... but I never dreamed Kili'd come after us. Now tha' they've found one another, I reckon nothing could tear them apart again."

"You do not think I have not considered that?" Thorin said with bemusement. His mind flitted back to another brash youngster, one whose blatant rebellion was matched only by his devotion to the brother he looked up to. Frerin would not have abided the command to stay, either, but Thorin wondered if even _he_ would have attempted to track them on bleeding feet and a maimed leg in order to keep from being left behind.

"Is he followin' us into Mirkwood?" Bofur wondered, his tone indicating he had already guessed the answer.

Reluctance flooded Thorin's expression as he responded, "He has left me no other choice."

Frustration and worry clouded his features with shadow and he agitatedly tossed the contents of his pipe into the flames. Bofur jumped as though snapping from a daze and followed suit, haphazardly swiping the hot ashes from his pipe with one finger before tucking the pipe into his pocket and walking a few feet away to sit beside his brother. Bombur snored incoherently, and Bofur looked on with fond smile before whacking him on the shoulder and ordering him to shut up.

Lost in his own turmoil, Thorin leaned back and regarded the dazzling wreath of stars. For a brief instant each glimmering gem seemed as one of Kili's lost memories, scattered across the four winds yet still shining with a flame unquenchable. Thorin felt the absurd longing to reach into the sky and gather a cluster of stars in his hands, as though he could piece together the fragments of his nephew's past life and remind him of the courageous and frivolous Dwarf he was meant to be.

Dreams were folly, and lofty wishes as Thorin's own were not meant to be. Disillusioned, he pushed the thought of the stars from his mind and returned his attention to the fire, staring into long after the last of the gleaming lights had vanished from the horizon.

* * *

"Nuh-uh."

Fili bit back a groan and fought the urge to clap his hands over his eyes as Kili folded his arms around himself and firmly shook his head.

"N-not getting on."

"Kili, it's a _pony_, not a warg. You will be fine."

Kili glanced suspiciously at the towering beast and balked, hunching into a tight ball and wrapping his arms behind his knees lest Fili _make_ him get on the ravenous creature. "It's hungry," he stated, pretending his voice did _not_ waver as he watched the pony's jaw rove as it chewed. "F-feed it first."

A series of deep, slow breaths did nothing to ease Fili's frustration. "Kili, for the fourth time, it is not going to eat you." _So help me, I will drag you onto the saddle by your hood if you keep this up much longer. _Even Bilbo had not protested half so much the first time he had ridden.

Kili adamantly shook his head, scowling at his brother before ducking his head onto his knees. "I-I'll walk," he insisted. "I can - "

"We have been through this already - " Fili began, inwardly groaning as he repeated the same conversation they had started this morning.

Abruptly Thorin swung around from the saddle he was adjusting, sparing Fili the endless reel of useless arguements. Kili's eyes flew wide open and he ducked behind his hair, biting his lip in sudden regret as he glimpsed the dark look that passed over the leader's face. Jabbing his thumb over his shoulder, Thorin ordered curtly,

"Kili. Pony. Now."

Like a child caught snitching a forbidden treat, Kili bent lower until only his guilt ridden eyes could be seen over his raised knees. Fili returned to his brother's side and held out a hand, breathing an inner sigh of relief when Kili shame-facedly accepted his help. Quickly, sparing his brother the humiliation of being carried, Fili lifted Kili to his feet and swung him onto the pony in one fluid movement. Once mounted Kili hunched low over the pony's neck, squeezing his eyes tightly shut and clenching the bridle behind the pony's ears until the poor beast shook its head in discomfort.

"It's not going to hurt you," Fili assured once more, patting Kili's boot in reassurance while he guided his brother's hands to the reins.

"I - I'll f-fall off..." Kili whispered, snagging Fili hand and latching the other back behind the pony's head. He peeked at the ground and stifled a gasp, clutching the halter convulsively as he wavered.

Suddenly Fili realized why his brother was so apprehensive. "Oh, Kili..." he sighed, shaking his head. "Is that what is going on? You have not been afraid of heights since ... "

Since he was eighteen, if not younger. Ever since Fili had accidentally turned him into the most brazen, fearless Dwarf to terrorize Middle Earth, Kili had taken to climbing trees, roofs and anything above the ground that he could wind his hands around. For him to have reverted back to his childhood terror was another blow Fili could not possibly have anticipated.

Coming to a snap decision, Fili nodded in understanding and notched one foot into the stirrup, bracing his hand against Kili's shoulder to hold him in place before launching himself behind his brother.

"It's all right, Kili," he assured with a soft smile, taking the reins from Kili's hands and hushing when his brother clasped his forearms in a vice-like grip. "I will never let you fall."

"Wh-what if you fall?" Kili stuttered, sucking in a breath when the pony side-stepped.

"Then... well, I suppose Thorin will have to find a new heir," Fili jested. He forced a chuckle, hoping to ease his brother's worries. "I think he would be so humiliated he would disown me on the spot."

"I - I'll make you f-fall..." Kili retorted, gasping and leaning back against Fili as the ground spun far below. "He-he'll disown you and then he'll be mad a-and it'll be my fault and - "

"Kili." Fili rumpled his brother's hair and lightly batted him upside the head for his idiocy. "I was joking."

Crimson flooded Kili to the tips of his ears and he risked a small glare over his shoulder as he muttered, "Wasn't funny."

"I know," Fili amended, "And I'm sorry. Thorin will _not_ be angry with you, Kili ... And I will not fall."

"Pull y-you down..."

"You _won't_."

"C-could too..."

"You can't. I would just drag you back up on your sorry rear and tie you to the stirrups if I had to."

"'s'not funny, Fee..."

"We haven't even started out yet, and the first thing I hear is two youngsters bickering," Dwalin grumbled, shooting a glance at Fili and Kili with the silent message, _Behave yourselves._

Kili clamped his mouth shut and stayed silent for a record of fifteen seconds before he whispered, "_Fall off and hit B-Bilbo on the head and th-then Mister Dwalin'll - "_

"Mister Dwalin is not going to throw his axe at you, Kili," Fili rolled his eyes. "Shut up and stop worrying so much."

"Will too..." Kili muttered, launching them both into a new session of quibbling.

"I'm beginning to miss the stutters," Dwalin grouched as he adjusted a bridle bit. "It was quieter when he was too nervous to speak."

"At least it shows he's improving," Bilbo offered. Out of curiosity he considered, "Did he talk at all after Fili left Beorn's?"

Dwalin's hand stilled as he mulled the unspoken topic. Whatever had taken place was clearly something he did not wish to discuss, as with a grunt and a shrug he proceeded to ignore Bilbo.

"Now, Ki - _Kili_, grab the reins, not the bridle! You'll choke her!"

"I- I'll f-fall off and I'll die and - and Thorin'll be angry and - and then I'll be eaten by wolves and - "

"Kili, now I know you're just trying to annoy me!"

"Aye, but it's working, laddie, isn't it?"

"Bofur, you are not helping here - _Kili!_ Stop kicking the pony!"

"Sh-she l-looked at me!"

"Kili, for the last time, ponies much prefer grass to Dwarf meat! _Thorin!_"

The beaming smile Thorin offered only served to antagonize his nephews further as he replied innocently, "I think you have this well under hand, Fili."

"_Uncle!"_

Encouraged, Kili began anew, " - And - and then I'll f-fall onto O-Oin and he'll be mad and - and he'll m-make that icky medicine and I'll get s-sick all over Thorin and - "

"So help me, you're riding with Bilbo for the next hour."

"_Filiiii! _D-don't leave me!_"_

"I'm not going anywhere, you idiot!"

Listening to the endless prattle, Bilbo admitted that he had to agree with Dwalin; it had almost been nicer when Kili was too scared to talk.

* * *

**And ... this happened. I should never write any sensible chapter right after finishing a humorous one-shot. Not sure if there was a point other than pure fluff and nonsense. Whatev, it's an update! XD**


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